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Secondary education

Connect with other parents whose children are starting secondary school on this forum.

Dealing with lying

10 replies

thereisabetterway · 01/12/2016 14:05

My DS (just turned 12) won't be the first to have ever lied to his parents so I appreciate plenty others have had to handle being told "porkies".

When DS was still not home from school 15-20 minutes later than usual, I sent him a text asking where he was. He replied that he was in the school library doing his homework with friends and would be home at a specific time. By pure coincidence, shortly after his reply, I discovered that he had been seen walking away from the school with a friend. In case it was "mistaken identity", I rang the school library and was told he was not there and had not signed in at any point. I explained that I was therefore pretty certain he had gone to his friend's house so they didn't need to be concerned. I phoned the friend's mum to apologise that my DS had (presumably) turned up and wanted to make sure he wasn't in the way but there was no answer and, when I caught up with her hours later, discovered that she didn't get home until about the time DS left her house and that they could not have got into the house as her DS doesn't have a key. She reckons they had been kicking a ball around outside - in the freezing cold, wearing only a shirt and blazer (but that's another battle!!).

When DS got home - at the time he stated - he continued to lie but, when presented with the facts and given a chance to 'fess up, he admitted the truth. I took a calm and measured approach but make it 100% that this is unacceptable and that the worst part is the lying.

My question to you wise mums, dads, carers and teachers is this: should I contact the school to follow up on this? It is clearly not their fault and I didn't expect them to do anything but I wonder whether I should have a chat to his tutor as this is not the first time (by a long shot!) that DS has lied outright, although the other issues have been completely outside of school. Will it just humiliate DS even more to have school involved and how much should they be aware of what he is like?

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Potnoodlewilld0 · 01/12/2016 14:08

What he is like??

Don't ring up and say that he told you a lie they will think your bonkers!

Potnoodlewilld0 · 01/12/2016 14:08

Plus why label your lad as a known liar? Confused

thereisabetterway · 01/12/2016 14:19

He's a perfect student at school but tries to get away with all sorts at home and is quite challenging. He knows all the right answers to give but doesn't follow through with his actions.

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Potnoodlewilld0 · 01/12/2016 14:21

Just like every other child in the universe then...

Mybugslife · 01/12/2016 14:26

What would u actually say to the school?
And what would you want the school to do about it? Like you said it's not their fault, as far as they were concerned he had left the school premises and was on his way home.
All kids will behave differently at home to when in school, if he is a perfect student as I say then I wouldn't be too concerned.

It's not okay he lied and it's not okay you didn't know where he was but I think you're over reacting getting the school involved.

KittensWithChristmasHatsOn · 01/12/2016 14:35

Our eldest is known to be partial to porkies. Silly ones at that. ( saying he had a detention-when he didn't/saying he didn't kick his brother when I watched him do it).

I think it's important to let them know fibbing/lying won't be tolerated and let them know it's important you can trust them.

It's a work in progress here. But when he said he had a detention I went into school to speak to the teacher about something else and mentioned the detention. As ds was sat there he went a funny shade of red when he realised he'd been rumbled by the teacher and I.

All kids lie at some point. Maybe an explanation as to why it's important in that situation that your ds is telling the truth. The fact you need to know where he is so you know he's safe. If he wants to go to his friends etc he might be able to go but he needs to speak to you first.

thereisabetterway · 01/12/2016 14:37

I suppose I'm asking because the school already know that he had lied to me - the fact I spoke to the librarian means that they are aware of what happened - and may keep an eye out for him at school.

I don't want to make more of it than necessary but I'm wondering if they will be expecting me to get in touch with them.

Thanks for your responses - it's helpful to get other people's point of view!

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thereisabetterway · 01/12/2016 14:41

Thanks, Kittens, that's exactly the approach I took with him and I drove home the point of asking first/letting me know as it's not on to just go AWOL. He has had a phone since the beginning of term and I went over and over what it is for . . . exactly that sort of scenario! I don't remember it being nearly such hard work with the first one!

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Witchend · 01/12/2016 16:43

The approach I would have is that I would have let him go and kick a football around if he'd told me. However he was being punished for telling me lies. I would also drop in that I'd phoned the school to ask if he was there, which would leave him slightly wondering if he would get into trouble at school.

thereisabetterway · 02/12/2016 09:54

That's what I've done, Witchend, so hopefully he will have learned his lesson!

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