AIBU to expect GCSE/A level aged DC to leave all phones/ tablets outside their rooms overnight?

[Brynhildr]

I have 2 DC, one Yr11 and one Yr13, both Summer-born. They find the self-discipline needed for revision very hard and get easily distracted.

Following a letter from the school about revision and the distractions of social media and also everything I've read elsewhere I am making it a rule that all devices stay outside their rooms on charge overnight from 10.30 until after their exams.

They've complained that I'm the ONLY parent they know that does this. I do know others that do but apparently that means that my mum friends must also be controlling and unreasonable.

Yr13 DC needs to get A*AA for their chosen Uni and has no lower insurance offers. They 're keen to go and will be devastated if they miss it.

Part of me thinks at 17 they shouldn't need any guidance but then I think about kids in boarding schools/ public schools who have strict prep sessions and presumably don't have free access to the internet and social media and they seem to do well and develop a good disciplined work ethic.

To me it's not a matter of trust , it's a matter of removing temptation. It's analogous to my sweet tooth- if someone puts a plate of biscuits next to me I would find them hard to resist even if I'm trying to avoid sugar, but if I can't see them out of sight is out of mind.

What do you think is reasonable and what worked for your DC? AIBU?

My rule during revision time/study leave is that phones/iPads are outside the room, but available at all other times. But I'm lucky that I've never had concerns about homework not being done, not enough sleep etc

My DD17 has free access to devices and wifi at all times but is able to self-regulate. She sometimes goes to bed early and gets up at 5am to work. Other times she works very late and catches up on sleep at the weekend. She knows that if she couldn't self-regulate and her grades started slipping then I would step in.

If you have a child who can't/won't self-regulate what you do depends on what you want to do. You can let them do their own thing knowing it might mean relatively poor A levels and a lower ranked uni than they'd hoped for, thinking they have to take responsibility for their lives.

Or you can chivvy them along so they do get the grades and the better uni, knowing they are likely to be grateful later, but it takes a lot of your time and energy.

I'm sort of on fence, we turn off WiFi at 10pm & I tell them to SLEEP or near enough at that point, but don't remove devices & I know DD messages friends after 10pm. The deal is that she's allowed that as long as she doesn't get in trouble/gets up in morning/makes effort at school. Plus I can't be bothered to police device locations.

As a teen, I stayed up too late at night reading books & don't see how that's healthier than screen chats.

I don't want to comment on reasonable. Some MNers say it's highly negligent parenting not to make them do their best & others say opposite. I'm only human so I do what I can.

You chose this battle, so get on with it.

I would not choose your battle. If my yr13DC was devastated because they didn't get desired results (which I knew was because they didn't put the work in) then I would A) assume they didn't really want the stated goal, B) kindly hold their hand to guide them thru Plan B.

Totally reasonable to leave tech outside the bedroom overnight, as long as the same rule applies to everyone in the house. Make it a family habit and it will be good for everyone's health.

YEAR 11 - then YANBU

YEAR 13 - YABU and controlling . You really need to be moving from treating them like kids to adults at this age. It's up to them to manage their studies at this age.

We wouldnr let our 16 year old gcse year DS have his phone overnight, not a chance. Just Saturday nights; this easter holiday we are cracking down as well because of exams, normally we leave it to him.

Ds2, 17, about to sit Alevels, and we don't interfere anymore. He's close to being an adult.

I would add that were you to post this on the Higher Education thread I am pretty sure it would prompt the regular refrain from the academics on there that too many students arrive at university without self discipline and self motivation and with a sense of entitlement to being mollycoddled. Many may go mad when they get there but they would see that as a manifestation of too much helicopter parenting which leaves these young people ill prepared to function effectively in a university environment.

They've complained that I'm the ONLY parent they know that does this.

All other parents also pay much more pocket money, allow all their friends to have TVs and full internet access, take alcohol to parties, wear unsuitable shoes, etc, etc, etc, and s'not fair!

It was ever thus.

I sometimes chose to read Terry Pratchett till the small hours, or write personal letters (showing my age) rather than translate some French or write an essay on Mary I and the Reformation. There are always ways to distract oneself. I'd be stricter with the younger one than the older, but I would have a discussion to point out that it's probably not wise to use electronic things in the hour before bed (which would be totally hypocritical, but I am not due to take exams*. And I'm the adult.) And I'd make it clear the decision is based on trust and can be rescinded at any point if it's not working.

• Not true. I have a techy exam in a month, which I am hoping will go away... it won't.

Meh they either do it or they don't. School puts the pressure on they
Need to be responsible for them selves , it's their life they are dealing with

Sigh. It is clear that some parents on here just don't realise that some of our year 11s don't have the emotional maturity to self regulate. Or they have children who always do as they are told. Sadly DD does neither.

I agree with the poster who said regulate the year 11s and let the year 13s get on with it.

They have to learn to self regulate sometime, GCSES are not the be all and end all its as good as time as any to learn that you get out what you put in

GCSEs are the be all and end all for our DS right now. I'm not jeopardising that by letting him be on his phone all night, quite honestly. There is no need.

I think there is a big difference between the 23 age groups.At GCSE then you can impose these rules .A Y13 is 18 or very nearly 18 and it feels wrong.

GCSES are not the be all and end all

There's no way anyone would have convinced me of that at 16! I know it's true now, but I certainly didn't then!

We don't allow phones in rooms any night, including our own. We also turn our wifi off at night. It's for 2 reasons really. A) to give them a break from the Internet and keep their personal space safe and b) I cant believe it's actually good for our brains to sleep next to a cell phone. Same as having wifi always bouncing around.

There are 3 kids in my sons high school who are suffering from brain rumors/cancer, which I find both utterly sad and absolutely terrifying. I know scientists will say there's no link but I'm going to err on the side of caution.

You understand wifi is there and our phones just hook into it.Leaving the phone outside your room doesn't help.Besides our phones are our alarms

But yeah, my DS needs AAA*A and 2 x grade 1 at STEP.He has a gaming computer on his desk and always has FB or a game open whilst he is working which I am a bit about.I wish he would give his work his whole attention!

may
You understand wifi is there and our phones just hook into it. Leaving the phone outside your room doesn't help.

Various things decrease with the square of the distance away. It is why people are advised that texting or using mobile on speaker is 'safer' than holding it to your ear.

Besides our phones are our alarms

Alarm clocks don't cost very much.

You understand wifi is there and our phones just hook into it.Leaving the phone outside your room doesn't help.Besides our phones are our alarms

Yep! Hence we turn the wifi off at night.

"GCSEs are the be all and end all for our DS right now. I'm not jeopardising that by letting him be on his phone all night, quite honestly. There is no need."

Same for DD. She has social anxiety and zero self confidence. The thought of having to go to the 6th form college in town terrifies her. She needs and wants to do 6th form at her school where there would be 150 in her year and not 1500, teachers that she already knows and a building she already knows her way around and is easy to get to.

Therefore I will support her to get the grades to achieve this. However, I will not be giving her this kind of support in two years time. I agree that at 18 DD will need the self sufficiency to help her cope with university.

"Stoneagemum" I suggest you read my post just above yours.

I personally think your approach is significantly over the top, both for the Y11 and the Y13.

But leaving DD to self regulate just doesn't work.

So what do you suggest?

Sorry Bunbaker I see your issue. I should have made clear that my comment was in answer to the OP.

I've taken the approach of them having phones in their rooms but not in their beds, but if I find them with a phone in their bed then it gets taken out of their room to charge. This is working well with DS (y11) and younger DD.

It does not work for my DSC who used to stay at their mum's in the week and had no limits imposed there, so resent any intervention strongly. Much harder to introduce that kind of regulation than if you always have it in place.

My eldest DSD self regulated always and did brilliantly academically. It's so easy to become complacent when your have a child like that there's no need to get involved. My younger DSD (also Y11) is currently failing completely to self regulate phone use, has had loads of time off school for vague illnesses and grades are dropping right down :( But very hard to change phone rules when they're already used to no rules.

I don't think YABU with your Y11. But would prefer to reach an agreement with a sixth form age child that they put the phone on downtime but leave it in their room

"My eldest DSD self regulated always and did brilliantly academically. It's so easy to become complacent when your have a child like that there's no need to get involved."

I'm glad you said that because I think that's the problem I have with some parents not understanding my problem. DD is not at all like your DSD, and it is a constant battle to get her to revise, let alone revise without her phone/iPad (which is hidden) and Macbook.

Unfortunately she listens to Spotify while she is revising (I don't have a problem with that as I used to work listening to music) and she uses BBC Bitesize so I can't entirely ban technology. Ideally I would love to just block social media, but don't know how to.