Term two and a half and daughter still hates secondary school

[TupperwareQueen]

Hello, long story, but I am mother of B/G twins who started secondary school last Sept. The start was complicated by DS being v ill for the first week and a half, and DD made friends, then seemed to lose them once DS arrived at school. She still has not managed to fit in anywhere, not eating lunch because she won't go to the canteen, won't join clubs, won't do sports. She has gone from a confident, social, sporty girl to a hunch-shouldered, shy, sad person who seems to hate herself and says that she doesn't deserve attention and recently is saying that death would be her best option as she is sad and fat and ugly.

DD is of course not any of the above, apart from sad, and very lonely. If I could have one wish in life at the moment, it would be that just one person would say to DD, come and sit with us for lunch. She only needs one friend.

I have had lots of contact with school, and she is seeing the school psychologist, but the psychologist is leaving at the end of this term, and may not be replaced due to cuts in the budget. I am so worried about DD, I feel like I am caught between trying to support her, but not over-react to her lowest moments, and trying to make her come out of herself and do things which will help, like exercise, see her primary friends, draw and write. I spoke to the psychologist today for the first time, and although she isn't 'allowed' to talk about her sessions with DD, she did let a lot of things into the conversation. Like the pastoral team is currently 'fractured'.

Psychologist is having a meeting with the head of pastoral and the head of year about DD on Wednesday, and I have asked to be there, Psych says I have to have DD's consent as they will be discussing stuff from their sessions. It seems odd that I have to have my DD's approval to attend, but the other staff members don't.

Anyone else out there who has gone through this - and not a half-term, or a term into secondary school? Please don't say, join a club, or get involved in sports. How do you lift a DD in this situation?

Hello counsellors! So update, I have told DD this evening about the possibility of new school, very low-key, there might be a place, not sure yet, but potential new school wants you to go along, have a chat, do some maths and english (not mentioned overly that it is a 45 minute paper for each). Asked DD to have a think about what she would like from a school. How does she feel about the current situation?

Also mailed pastoral head at current school to let her know and ask if she had any thoughts. No reply. After our big meeting last week, I have asked DD each day if anyone has seen her to organise lunchtime clubs: no. The other stuff: no. DD, bless her, says pastoral person is probably very busy and doesn't have time to concentrate on just her. And, a breakthrough, a girl asked DD to sit next to her in class today. DD was so pleased about that one small thing.

DD is torn between wanting to go see, worrying that she will be too nervous to make a good impression, and thinking that things are improving slowly at the current school. DH is abroad with work and hard to reach, so I'm on my own here trying to decide what to do. In the end DD said, you have to decide for me, my brain is too mixed-up for this new stuff.

So, tonight's decision is, go see, do the day, if it is hellish then we deal with that afterwards.

Though I will ask again tomorrow.

Having DS and DD at the same school in the same year is a mixed blessing. There is the matter of being the DS DD twins and children comparing them as DS is very socially able and gregarious, but DS does look out for DD in some ways. He will always fight her corner and not allow anyone to insult her, within her hearing or not. On Friday he proudly told me he said 'well you are a sad f-ing c-word' to a boy who told him DD was 'a bit ugly and boring'. Not sure about the language but the intention was good.

It's not promising that they haven't done what they said they'd do.

How was she at primary? If similar issues then perhaps it's worth staying at the school for a while and getting her some counselling. If this is a new issue and she was always happy at primary then perhaps moving school might be the answer. Either way some counselling should help her to come to a decision about what she thinks might be best. Keep talking to her op.

My advice - Don't mention the new school again - it really complicates things and will add to her stress.

Ask her about her mentors - you mentioned she was turning up late - why is this? The problem is that they will start to give up if they feel she is not interested and they are left hanging around waiting a lot.

What exactly are the things that have been suggested? Do you know what she is waiting to be told about.

Unfortunately, there are things in pastoral that suddenly take centre stage when least expected - suicide attempt, an allegation, a difficult home problem, a looked after child running away, a serious fight, a child cutting themselves or having a melt down. It sounds like they are treating this seriously - but if dd is not really willing to go along with the suggestions then it's hard. The girl offering to sit with her is a great start - that's all she wants really - friendship and people being nice.

Fantastic news regarding the girl asking your DD to sit with her - is that continuing or was it just for one lesson? Whichever one it's an excellent start.

I would still go and look round/sit the exams for the independent school. You can always tell them in advance that your DD feels nervous and I am sure they will take that into account and try to put her at ease. Maybe after she has sat the exams she could join a form to see what it might be like were she to attend the school. Could the school could arrange for a Sixth Former (who has been at the school since year 7, enjoys sport or whichever subject your DD likes) to take you on a tour of the school too - that way you could ask her all about the school, whether or not she has enjoyed it, what she liked, didn't like.

In the run up to her visit try to keep the subject of the possibility of changing school really low key and just be as matter of fact about it all as you can. It must be very hard for you having to deal with this.