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Secondary education

Connect with other parents whose children are starting secondary school on this forum.

What does parental involvement actually mean?

33 replies

Etainagain · 10/02/2016 14:37

Just that really. I started a thread on here about something else and those who kindly replied made me realise that I'm probably not involved enough.

My parents didn't show the slightest bit of interest in my education and so I thought that by asking my DC questions such as 'how was your day', 'any homework' and general nagging was 'showing an interest'. I also make sure that their attendance is good (no days off for shopping trips unlike some of their friends) and, if they slip a grade, I always ask them why that happened and, if they slip a lot, I speak to the teacher about what my DC can do to improve. I also go to all the parents evenings (my parents never went to one of mine).

At DS's Yr 6 open evening at primary school, his teacher said something about her not levelling the homework because kids get help from their parents. I always thought that the point of HW was to do it independently, so I don't really get involved. As for the DCs at secondary school, I don't think I would be able to help if I wanted to. But should I be trying to learn what they are doing? Should I be sitting alongside them when they work or read the books that they are reading? I'm beginning to think that I am actually a very lazy parent.

OP posts:
Bolognese · 11/02/2016 09:43

Happiness and success are not mutually exclusive, most often they are codependent.

Imagine DC gets average results but parents say that's ok because I want them to be happy, not pushed. They get average GCSE's, A-Levels, then get into Bolton university and get a 2:2 in town planning and transport. But its all good because they are happy, they made their own choices.

They now work in a pub, can't afford a house or car and are bitter at the world for not giving them a job in town planning that pays the wage they deserve. But its all good because their parents didn't support them (not my story)

Whats the morale of this story?

Badbadbunny · 11/02/2016 10:02

I don't see there's a problem with helping your child do their homework and projects, but it has to be short-term, with more of an angle of showing them how to do it, rather than taking control and doing it for them.

What worked with our son was being very hands on at first when he started secondary because he had virtually no confidence and would get upset if he couldn't do something. So that meant virtually sitting with him and doing the homework with him, and yes, sometimes dictating answers for written questions, planning posters and powerpoints with him, etc. When he came in from school, we discussed what homework he had and I made sure it was started soon enough so we had time to do it properly. If homework was revision, we'd sit with him and try various techniques to find out which worked best for him. So, yes, very intensive at first. It worked to the extent that he got good marks, never missed a homework, and his confidence was massively boosted. But we only did that for the first term.

At the start of the second term, we started to scale back. He still wanted us to help, and it was hard not to, but we manufactured excuses not to and encouraged him to try himself at first and then we'd come back and look over what he'd done. Little by little, it boosted his confidence. We still kept control, though, often looking through his exercise books and checking he'd done all his homework. We did a lot of revision with him at the end of the first year for his end of year tests, and he did very well in some where we'd done proper revision, and not so well where revision hadn't really been good enough - a really good learning experience for him!

Over the second year, we were a lot more "hands off" and left him to do most of it himself, we just checked his homework was done and helped him plan his time (i.e. do it on the night it was set rather than letting it build up and last minute panics the night before). We still checked his exercise books at least weekly to see what he was doing, what marks he was getting, and so we could informally discuss the topics he was studying. He'd often ask for help/guidance whilst doing it, but we weren't sat with him anymore most of the time. End of year 2 tests were very good, again for most, but again, fell down in one subject where he hadn't revised properly (and he knew it!).

Now in the third year, we're virtually "hands off" completely on a daily basis. He's got into good habits, does most of his homework on the day it's set, will happily take a book to bed to revise for tests. He needs a nudge occasionally to get off his xbox and do his homework. He now shows great pride in doing his homework himself and showing off the end result to us, not to proof-read, but because he's genuinely pleased with himself - it's not perfect and I could easily find fault/improvements, but we let it stand to be properly marked as his own work. Very rarely, he hits a problem or there's a question he doesn't understand, and we'll talk it through, but we don't tell him the answer, we show him how to find or work out the answer.

BitOutOfPractice · 11/02/2016 10:08

""Good enough" isn't what I'm aiming for for my kids, tbh. I put the work in, so do they, it's all positive. Their exam results so far are way way beyond "good enough"

I was ready to slink off in a haze of parental guilt when I read this but once I read what ProfG actually means by this I realise it's doing exactly what the OP - and me - are doing!

EricNorthmanSucks · 11/02/2016 10:16

merciful eleven is still young.

Many of them are still very immature at that age, lacking in confidence. It's normal!

There is no urgency to reach independence (in learning or anything). There is not set age at which it should happen.

But for most of them it will happen.

mercifulTehlu · 11/02/2016 10:26

I said year 7, not 7 years old.

EricNorthmanSucks · 11/02/2016 10:29

Yes. I said eleven years old.

mercifulTehlu · 11/02/2016 10:37

I agree there's no set age and obviously some need more support than others, but I think that how much parental help/interference is given can often be based more on the parent's need for control than on the needs of the child. I have seen this often in students up to sixth form age. It is obvious when one speaks to the parents at parents' evening. I admit that I have somewhat over-confident children if anything, but how much of that is down to taking after their father genes and how much down to parenting style, I couldn't say!

BoboChic · 11/02/2016 16:51

We've always kept a close on eye on the DC, plugged gaps, added masses of enrichment and helped them with homework. It seems to have worked very well so far - both DSSs are doing very well, independently of us, at university.

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