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Original poster

Any ideas for smart answers to nasty comments? Yr 7 Girls...sigh.

64 replies

wheresthebeach · 01/12/2015 17:56

DD in Yr 7. All started out fine but now there is some nastiness. DD is a gentle kid so not good at the 'death stare' (unless at me!) or smart come backs that set the boundary.

So...'friend' asks 'what do you want to be when you grow up'. Then responds with 'you're too stupid to do that '. Several other similar set ups to be put down.

They travel on the same train, and are the only two from their year on it, so 'friend' is difficult to avoid. Up until recently it's all been fine so they have the habit of meeting on the platform and travelling together.

So far we've been roll playing a sarcastic 'Nice!' and eye roll...

Other suggestions welcome!

And breath....

OP posts:
bruffin · 01/12/2015 22:26

Just "Rude" with attitude and a roll of eyes

dangerrabbit · 01/12/2015 22:35

I went to an all-girls' school, so I like to think of myself as a bit of an expert in bitchiness (a la daddy pig).

There's a tone your daughter needs to learn to employ which hangs ambiguously between sarcasm and glowing praise. I would suggest your daughter beams at her enemies using a smile that does not reach her eyes and says thank you. With the word thank just a little too pointed. Preferably while looking her enemy up and down.

Original poster
wheresthebeach · 01/12/2015 22:40

Some more great suggestions. Thank you everyone.

Yes danger it's a girls school so she's going to have to get a thicker skin I think.

OP posts:
BabyGanoush · 01/12/2015 22:45

Dangerrabbit, that is funny, it's how DS (13) responds to put downs

He acts vaguely amused

And says something like "riiiiiight" or "oooooookay, I see" in mildly sarcastic, vaguely amused way

BabyGanoush · 01/12/2015 22:46

And then he smiles at them Smile

PollyGone · 01/12/2015 22:52

I was quite often the new girl at school, and had to put up with comments about my large nose.
I learnt ,very quickly, to observe everyones shortcomings (they all have them,however small),and comment on them. No-one said anything twice. Observation is key to personal insults.

AgonyBeetle · 01/12/2015 23:07

My Y7 dd can raise one eyebrow. Just the one. It's surprisingly effective at communicating total unimpressedness.

Sallyhasleftthebuilding · 01/12/2015 23:15

Repeat it back ... exactly word for word .. so she hears how she sounds.. (remember when toddlers do it?) .. try it at home.

Brioche201 · 02/12/2015 00:40

A good hearty chuckle with a 'you're so funny' with a ruffle of her hair to complete the belittling.

This one's best.Some of the 'escalating things' replies on here are such bad advice.

EYDavis · 02/12/2015 03:14

It's probably worth her having a selection of replies that can be rolled out regardless of what the other person said. I agree that some of the escalating suggestions here might be okay for some kids (or adults) but don't sound as if they would come naturally to your DD. She would also then need to be comfortable dealing with the fallout.

I suggest adding: "That's just your opinion" or, if she did want to step it up a notch, "Fortunately, I'm not very interested in your opinion"...?

Rpj16 · 02/12/2015 04:09

What about

'is that the advice your parents gave you? No wonder your self esteem/confidence is sooo low...explains a lot!'

Or something similar like, 'where do you pick up these little snipey little remarks -insert mean girls name- it males you sound kinda like a bitch - I'm gonna listen to my headphones now, enjoy the journey in silence'

Is that too mean back? Your daughter will think of loads of good comebacks several years after finishing school I bet, always the way !

ealingwestmum · 02/12/2015 07:25

Hello again wheresthebeach (we suffered together last year on school entry stuff Smile)

Just asked my DD who's not the greatest at smart, cutting come backs either. She said she'd say something like 'charming', then slowly but very deliberately, get her head phones out and put them on, smiling, eyes shut for rest of journey as another PP has suggested. Then ignore her the next day on the platform. She says there's a risk, but normally the 'friend' cannot cope with being ignored for too long and does some sucking up. Until the next time, then repeat...

ealingwestmum · 02/12/2015 07:29

Of course, my advice to her was to just say fuck off, but she's not got my wisdom

FarticCircle · 02/12/2015 07:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

dancemom · 02/12/2015 08:01

"It's Only really insecure girls who need to try and bring each other down - real women build each other up. Let me know when you are ready to grow up."

Then insert earphones and ignore.

HPFA · 02/12/2015 08:06

I guess it's a bit of a side issue but are people really encouraging their 11 and 12 year old daughters to swear in situations like this?
Despite my best efforts I still can't really accept the fact that I can no longer walk down the street or sit on a bus without having my ears assaulted by a constant stream of F-words. It may be a waste of time but I will at least not encourage my DD to join the crowd.

Sallyhasleftthebuilding · 02/12/2015 08:23

Junior kids were swearing round here. And not just singular words but full phases.
Theres no consequences as far as i can tell. You do hear it alot.

Sallyhasleftthebuilding · 02/12/2015 08:26

Saying that ... you want to hear parent encouraging kids to bully. Which is worse. They have to be able to stand up for themselves.
Some girls are witches. But DD being called fat ugly stupid is worse IMO

BoboChic · 02/12/2015 08:34

Inevitably, it is the Y7 girls who have the least going for them in the charm and looks department, and who are insecure about their academic (sporting/musical/artistic) performance, who are the bitchiest. That's the only way they can compete.

So, first of all, remind your DD of all her talents and skills and the reason why she hasn't developed nastiness (she hasn't needed to). She needs to look at bitchiness as a developed skill, one she needs to recognize and manage but not adopt herself. Gaining some perspective is super important at this age.

DancingDuck · 02/12/2015 08:34

How about: 'Can you hear yourself?'
Or 'What an ugly thing to say.' Use ugly. It's a powerful word against a yr7 bitchy girl.
Or 'You think your opinion matter to me because...?'

Or kill them with kindness. Smile sweetly and say: 'What a lovely thing to say.'
Or look a bit shocked and say, 'Oh, I used to think you were worth knowing.'
Or smile sweetly, look her in the eye and say: 'I'll remember you think that.'

Never look like their opinion matters at all. And build up her self esteem until it truly doesn't.

HPFA · 02/12/2015 08:38

Fair point, and if the OP's daughter finds that swearing is the only way to stop bullying then I certainly wouldn't discourage her!
I was just surprised that so many people seemed to jump into the "F* off" option right from the off.

ealingwestmum · 02/12/2015 08:48

It was a bit of humour to diffuse what is actually a serious issue for Y7s and beyond. I hope most can see that?

Original poster
wheresthebeach · 02/12/2015 09:13

Hi Ealing nice to 'see' you again!

My DD isn't the sort to tell someone to F off. That just doesn't come naturally and if it did, I suspect we wouldn't have the issues we do!

The fake sweetness, and one word responses like 'charming' or short sentences like Dancings 'What a lovely thing to say' - head tilt, are more up her street.

We practised last night. And each morning we're going to decide which phrase she'll use if her 'friend' kicks off until it becomes second nature.

We've discussed the girls lack of confidence and attention seeking before as its clearly an issue and it's come up in other ways.

Your right Bobo, its about accepting there are people like this and learning to cope - its not like all people actually grow out of this behaviour.

DanceMom - your spot on. DD isn't quite ready for that level yet! We're discussing the 'friends build each other up, not drag each other down' type of option. That, of course, leaves option the option of 'we're not friends' as a retort.

It's accepting that these things will always happen, just need dealing with and an attitude of 'water off a ducks back'. But she finds it hard as these barbed comments seem to hit the soft spots.

OP posts:
Original poster
wheresthebeach · 02/12/2015 09:31

oh 'can you hear yourself?' also good...followed by a WOW, head tilt, if the answer is 'yes'.

Cheers dancingduck

OP posts:
ealingwestmum · 02/12/2015 09:52

She sounds lovely whereas. They shouldn't have to change for other girls' insecurities. And I agree, most of these types normally grow up to have the same as issues as adults.

Mine was at a swim gala this weekend, recently joined a new swim club. Is behind the game, but trying hard to catch up. One girl in an event, who is also at her new school and year, turned to her and said "no offence, but it's an insult to my swimming to be heated alongside you". She's 5'7", amazonian build (at just turned 12) but this is besides the point

Can't tell you the dialogue in our car on way home, especially my husband's advice. But, 2 days gone at school, my DD has this girl running after her in the corridors saying 'what's wrong, what's wrong, why won't you talk to me?' when mine is ignoring her with head in the air with the odd 'nothing'. Less is more obviously works for her (on this occasion).

Good luck to your DD and her slapping down of her so called friend...whatever form that takes!

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