State boarding, or similar/language immersion/mildly alternative?

[onbehalfofgranny]

My DN spent the last year at my DM's after a very rigid school in the country in Europe she/DB/SIL live in wanted her to repeat a year, and a year of home not learning anything schooling.

She is a slightly nervous child and she does thrive on routine. She is also a bit of a reluctant learner and I suspect has mild SN. I can't remember what all the levels are called but she was in Y6 last year and started off doing about Y2 work in one or two subjects but was up to level in all subjects by the end.

My DB and she have tried secondary school in their home country for a term but the same issues are arising. He is now suggesting a well known private boarding school where pupils need not attend lessons (I am not putting the name in case he searches for this). I get the feeling this is because he'd like to home school her (unschooling really) but has decided it's too hard to get her to actually do anything (plus to be fair he is busy, he runs a business and SIL works).

They are asking my DF to pay the fees. He could, but I doubt he'll be keen.

We live in the NW of England and my DM/DF live in the Midlands. I am wondering if we could suggest a boarding school in either area (we couldn't have DN living here full time, and I think she and my DM had nearly enough of each other last year, but weekends etc. would be fine for DM anyway, and the odd weekend for us - we have two small DC and a small house).

I know about Dallam and DN's other language is one of the ones spoken there (it's a language college). Are there other boarding schools (ideally state boarding schools, partly for cost reasons) in either the NW or the Midlands that we might put forward as alternatives?

I think a different "alternative" school might float their boat, or a language focus.

Oh my goodness. Just wanted a bit of a vent. My poor, poor DN. As predicted now she is there it is totally not the school for a sensitive DC. She is particularly bothered by rampant swearing and the teachers saying "we can't tell them not to, they can do what they like". She is so, so unhappy.

I have her contact details but I am leaving her for a little bit because I am not sure having even more "home" contact is going to help her (she has been calling/Skyping my DM who is of course massively sympathetic and has only said "I told you so" to my DB and SIL not to my DN, and also obviously my DB and SIL who have said "oh you will learn to respect the other children's decisions and you can teach us [i.e. DN's family] how to respect"... i.e. she's expected to be grown up about it. )

Also nothing at all for special needs, they will help "if she wants" but she doesn't want to try her difficult subjects and be helped, she just doesn't want to do them.

DM is again offering DN to stay with her at least as a temporary measure and enrol in the school her primary school feeds to, and is really leaning on DB and SIL to consider moving back to the UK at least for the DNs' secondary schooling. DB's business is not so thriving it couldn't be put on hold.

Not helpful, I know, but some people don't deserve to have children. What a total nightmare.

My phone has just beeped to remind me to buy DB a birthday card.

WIBU to write just what I think of him, in the card?

Tempting though it is to vent your feeling in his card, I'm sure you won't do it. I think it is in the best interests of your DN to keep channels of communication open. I would just offer back up to your DM's approach.

However, should I ever meet your DB I might kick him in the shins for you.

You pick a school that suits your child not try to force your child to fit to a school.

Me again. DN is not quite as desperately unhappy as she was but that would be hard. She had a weekend at my DM's and I think someone (school? My DB?) has asked her if she'll stay another term and she's said Absolutely No Way. I spoke to her and she seemed quite low and trying not to cry. I keep meaning to send her a care package but I can't think what to put in it!

She seems to have about 1 lesson a day timetabled but, surprisingly, to be going to all of them (i.e. she mentions that a lesson she is poor at is on the timetable, but only once a week).

My DM has a friend whose DS went to the Quaker school mentioned above, and has chatted to her, and DM has mentioned in passing to DN that there do exist schools that will be nice and care for her and not let the other pupils swear. DM has been to have a look herself, and is hoping to take DN to look. DB has said he doesn't want DN to come to DM's before the end of term and has booked her flight (my long suffering DM has agreed to fly with her) immediately after term ends and says DN will "enjoy the end of term parties" but DM does not want DN packing up her stuff (including some of DM's stuff because DB - you'll faint in surprise - didn't send DN with everything on her kit list).

With me so far? So my DF has agreed to go and pick up DN but can only go a few days before the end of term, so I have told DM to say "this is what's happening and why", and just repeat and not justify, and to tell DN about 2 days before visiting the school and DB one day before.

I dislike the idea of going behind DB's back to see another school but he will never say yes - though SIL and DN may say yes if DN likes it.

DB's idea is now to home school DN using online worksheets, which they tried before and admitted did not succeed.

The other question is over a supposed entrance exam to the Quaker school. Not surprisingly DN is very exam phobic. She's also not a high achiever, but I wondered if it was more of a setting test. Not sure if anyone knows? I'm also a bit dubious of whether DM could arrange this to happen - she is DN's guardian in the UK for school purposes, and it wouldn't actually occur to DB that he'd need to give permission, but I'm not sure how the school would feel.

DM has also had various other ideas re DN's education which were all rejected e.g. a relative has a flat for rent, why doesn't she help DB and SIL with the rent. It doesn't really help matters though.

DN continues to be fairly miserable. I am semi seriously considering whether reporting verbal abuse by pupils that is unchecked by staff, to the LA, might be a possible move. She is however also still convinced that no other school could suit her and sadly that she cannot have friends and that she doesn't need looking after.

My DM who, thankfully, DN is still very keen to see regularly, is arranging with the school local to her for a visit but still needs to get permission from either school or my DB to release DN early (DN wants to go but the pupil led ethos doesn't extend to this). DN's flight home leaves the day after the end of term and DB assumed school would take DN to the airport and she'd fly home alone, but she's terrified of this so DM is flying with her but is seriously contemplating flying straight back given how underwhelmed she is with my DB's attitude.

I have also suggested to my DM that she ask who, for example, would rescue DN should she lose her passport at the airport or miss her flight, or need to go to hospital, as they don't seem to have a system of in-country responsible adults and my DM feels that if she is informally expected to run and help she should also be formally allowed to take DN for a visit.

I'm just trying to morally support DN and send her care packages. The food is apparently mainly Smart Price so she buys sweets with her pocket money so not those, but any other ideas gratefully received.

Sigh. DB refuses to let DN look at the school on the grounds, as far as I can work out, that my DM likes it, that you have to fill in an application form and that they mention God on their website.

DN still doesn't think she really needs or deserves friends or needs looking after. She's staying next term and DB insists he can afford to keep her there. At least I can write to her and send her things/phone her if she's there.

There's a history of other stuff with DB and I kind of feel like since it's a bit easier to contact DN independently I might as well just go NC with him, it might save me from his rants too. I'm not sure either I or DM being in contact with him is helping her at all.

If she's yr 7 therefore 11/12 I thought they could only fly escorted either by a relative or someone provided by the airline?
I think you're right contacting him about alternative schools is just winding him up and perhaps making up him more determined out stick out the current school which he clearly likes. If you're mentioning to you DN about alternatives schools is this helpful? I would have thought the best thing you could do is support her by visiting writing emailing skyping etc regularly, boarding school children love receiving letters small gifts in the post etc. Can you take her out for tea occasionally or watch a match if they do such things which I doubt or a play?

Poor child. That was, what, her ninth school?
She probably doesn't have SEN, just enormous gaps in her learning from moving around so much, coupled with the trauma of making/leaving friends constantly.
What a terrible situation.

She's 12 and some airlines will let them fly unaccompanied but she is afraid of doing that, and also of travelling by train unaccompanied (meaning it's really difficult for her to see my DM at weekends). It's a four hour drive from my DM to her (though they can meet in London, but that also involves a train journey alone) and a further 2-3 hours to us so we cannot see her unless she has more than a weekend off; currently we are unclear whether the school (i.e. the other pupils) can give permission for this or whether the school requires parental permission.

I do phone, I can't Skype at the moment (nobody will lend her their tablet any more but DM is thinking of getting her one of her own), and I do send little gifts and she seems to appreciate those. She has an email address but I'm not sure she can use that either for the same reason as the Skype thing. She phoned me yesterday and sounded quite resigned about the fact that she wasn't massively happy but my DB had made this decision and that it was not apparently all about children making decisions, but about children making them unless the parents disagreed. She also told my DM that my DB has been saying "don't speak to me like that" (to DN) and my DM has told me one fairly shocking fact about DB's treatment of DN when preschool age. I also worry about things like the internet access at the school and the fact that they have no policy on pupils bullying or being verbally abusive to each other or on the certificates of films that pupils can watch.

This is just a vent really as I cannot do anything about any of this!

Hi
A parent has just posted about this school on Education. Might be worth contacting her as she says she is open to questions

It might not be a bad idea - my DM is finding the school very bad at answering questions about things like "can DN take more than a weekend away from school and can someone accompany her on the train" and my DB won't speak to her about that kind of thing anyway, and just insists DN can travel on the train on her own.

IMO (others of course may disagree) a 12 year old could travel alone on a train,, why doesn't you or your DM do the journey with her once so she knows where to go realistically the worst that can happen is she gets on their wrong train, if she has a mobile then she can always call if she's stuck. Having said this coming out of school for a extra weekend might not be help her settle in and a 2-4 hour one way journey..
I suspect your DB as her parent is the only one who can consent for her to have an extra weekend out of school and can also veto any extra weekends. at my DS's school we are meant to say if our DS's our in school or not on Sunday, and to email details if we're not picking them up etc I think this is standard stuff now in boarding schools TBH.

You'd think that, wouldn't you, re permission, but DB says it is school rules and DN says it is up to the school council.

DN is pretty anxious and the journey to my mum is 2 hours, cross London, 1 1/2 further hours. The same to us (and I have two small children and can't get to that part of the country) except the second leg is 3 hours to us. My DM could just about do a practice run but I don't think it's the journey itself which she has done accompanied already. She is being verbally abused at the school. She is going back next term but they have no money to keep her there. She doesn't get to see any other family members during term, unlike many of the other pupils. There is little point in her "settling in" I don't feel.

omg what a mess.

I would certainly advocate a small, relatively local, low key girls school
maybe a non selective one so academic pressures not present.

cannot believe some people can be so cavalier about their children education and welfare.