Would you split up Twins to send them to their perfect schools

[LolaRedford3030]

I have two identical twin boys, they're 9 years old and we've spent almost a year visiting various Public Schools in the hope that we would find one that would be perfect for them both.

As you've most likely guessed that has not been the case. DS1 (older by 17 mins) is out going, cocky, sporty, a big fan of art and only does really well academically because he's competitive not because he loves to learn etc DS2 is more reserved, very bright, also competitive, not big on sports but gets dragged into it a lot, quite opinionated but not blunt or brash, very aware of other people, slightly sneaky.

After getting a short list from the HM and coming up with a list of our own, we went to see all the schools and then went back some more.

DS1 and I adored St Edwards, the pastoral care seemed utterly brilliant, they're big on sports and we spoke to numerous students studying Art at A Level and they adored the school. I love that it's Co-Ed and that the kids can go into town, day students don't outnumber boarders and they can't leave till 9pm so DS1 won't be all alone.

DS2 hated it, it just wasn't for him, so after a few more schools, we went to WinCol, DS2 loved it and it was recommended by the HM for just him, not DS1. I personally would have run a mile away, it was an intellectual hot house, sports was optional after a while and no laptops for at least the first year, everything was geared to academia, not that there's anything wrong with that but I would have preferred a more relaxed environment, but I must admit, DS2 would perfectly fit in, DS1 lasted five minutes before asking if he could wait in the car on our tour.

I don't want to split them up, so our last option is to try and get them both into Westminister as Day students. They're bright enough to get in, Westminster has lots of sports to offer DS1 although he'll be under pressure academically, DS2 doesn't love the school but won't mind going there, if they can stay together.

I don't want to split them up but I don't want either of them to settle for a school when they've already found ones that seem to suit them perfectly.

They don't want to split up but they're only nine and it's clear they both really liked St Edwards and WinCol.

So ultimately would you split up your twins at thirteen years old.

I have boy/girl twins and have split them up for secondary school.They were in the same class throughout primary school which was a good and bad thing.One was academically very successful and organised.
The other one was the total opposite and couldn't compete and hence didn't even try.They were both very popular though.
Strangely enough the very capable one was the one finding it difficult to adjust to the new school.DT.2 was very happy from the beginning.
I think in this situation you have to pick the the most appropriate school for each child.This might be a different school to the one they pick at 9 years old.I would also be wary of picking 2 different boarding schools as that would be a step too far in my opinion.

I think the twins issue is different than siblings, even if they are very close. Its just not the same.

I'm a twin and I think it would have been very hard to have been split from my twin to board. Having said that, I do agree that if each twin has found a school that they'd love, and you'd be happy sending them to, then is that not the decision made? If you asked them (albeit that they're still very young) whether they'd prefer to stay together at a compromise school, or whether they'd like to go to the schools they liked - what would they say? My sister and I were very similar personality / academically / sporty so the same school suited us. It is a hard decision to think about splitting them, and they will no doubt find it hard at first. Can you perhaps do more with them now (separate outings / activities / let one of them have a sleepover at a friends etc so they get used to being separated).

I also have twins although they are b/g and they are going to single sex grammar schools next year. This was always on the cards for us and although they are very close, they are both very excited about it.

Why is it so important that twins are together, Evil? If one is suited to grammar school why should the DC not go to it if they qualify? You child may not thank you for that decision later in life.

I think twins can thrive if they are treated as individuals, and not inseparable supports for each other. No other children get given this role by parents, but twins do. My friends who have twins sent them to different schools according to their needs, and it worked well. Someone else I know split a boy and girl twin and they went single sex boarding. If you have the money, then why not treat them as individual, rather than needy of each other. How much do they really need each other? With their personalities, is it really more than any other child needs a sibling at school?

From just having been through that selection process with twins, you (as a parent) make a decision that is best for the whole family. There is a knock on effect of that selection process that is amplified with twins that unless you're a twin, or a parent of twins, its quite difficult to comprehend. I have had sleepless nights for months worrying about the self esteem my DS would feel if he didn't "pass" for the local grammar and his twin did. I genuinely think it would have been a life-changer (dramatic as that sounds). There is a constant comparison with twins that never happens with siblings. Whilst I'm not saying Evil is right or wrong - that is every parent's prerogative - and I agree that the twin who passes may not thank her in later life - its not as black and white as 'treat them as individuals'.

Namechange explains it perfectly. Unless you are a twin or have twins, it's difficult to understand.

My girls are very similar academically - they always have been. They both really liked the grammar school when we went to the open evening. If one goes and the other doesn't, then I genuinely think it would have long term negative effects on the whole family.

Agree - it's not the same as normal siblings. Everything is amplified when there's two going through it at the same time.
I have boy girl twins aged 5. They are at separate schools (private). I wanted to keep them together but the schools are single sex. I wasn't happy about this at first but it has been great for them. I would draw the line at separate boarding when they're older though. They love catching up with each other after school and we wouldn't consider boarding anyway.

Why not a third school that would suit them both? Talk more with their Headmaster. The logistics of two boarding schools are ridiculous. I attended schools that were not perfect because my older siblings went there.

Yes, I agree with Enb76. They will thrive in schools that suit them the most.

Yes, split them if you can ...and they will thank you later.

My twin boys are like chalk and cheese. They have seoeraye friends and interests. I wouldn't hesitate to separate them. I suspect time away from each other would be much better for their relationship in the long term.

Really hard - I can see that sending one to the grammar and one joy would be hard, but if they want to go there , might it not Lao cause huge resentment if neither goes because one didn't get in?

I haven't read all the previous posts, so this may be an oversimplification...

...I would definitely split them.
They are individuals and should be treated as such. This will also help them make choices about the GCSEs/Alevels/degrees independently (as can be expected) of each other.

Qtherwise, your options are:

1. DS1 gets perfect school and DS2 has to compromise;
2. DS1 compromises and DS2 gets perfect school
3. DS1 & DS2 both compromise.

Why would you spend so much time, effort and money looking for the perfect school and then waste it on one that's not right for either of them and, worst of all, could lead to a miserable time for them.