I have a DS going into year 10 who really needs to pull his finger out

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I also fear I have completely messed up with him.

I've tried to be a supportive but not too pushy parent which has resulted in me "trusting" the school to do what's needed without interference and several bouts of intense nagging (from me) for him to do more, interspersed with periods of backing off and leaving him to it.

I don't feel the school has been supporting him/pushing him as they should, he's one of those children who does just about enough to keep out of trouble, isn't disruptive and seems fairly invisible to the school.

At the same time, my "managing" of him has left him unable/unwilling to manage his school work himself, but if I hadn't pushed a bit in recent years he would have worked even less hard.

He's just about on track to get Cs as things stand, which saddens me because he had such a good start at school and clearly isn't daft. He was on the gifted and talent register for maths and literacy in infant school! His lack of achievement is entirely down to lack of application IMO.

Is there any one thing I can do to make a difference as we go into year 10?

With DS1 (Y11) I feel that I'm never quite getting the balance right. If I get involved in his revision/studying then he accuses me of being controlling and micro-managing. If I don't get involved then he forgets deadlines and neglects to prepare for controlled assessments until the very last moment.

Yes, that's exactly it TheSecond and I get quite upset by all the mumsnetters who assert that at 14yo he should be managing and motivating himself. Maybe he should, but what if he doesn't...and is it all my fault?

As a teacher I wish more parents controlled their DC's internet access. Wifi switched off at 10pm, no phones in bedrooms at night, that sort of thing. So many DC are knackered at school from late night gaming or social media.

What you might want to do with a bright child who is headed for Cs is have a serious talk about his plans for Y12. Does he realise that Cs won't be good enough to get onto A-levels in those subjects? What sort of jobs is he thinking of? With Cs, university will probably not be for him, so it would be vocational qualifications and a job.

If he starts looking into things seriously and realises how many doors he is closing by not achieving his potential, then he might buck up a bit. Or he may decide he has a burning ambition to do something practical and a clear plan might set your mind at rest.

Oh, Oh I'm getting something right Noble

I have never allowed screens or phones in bedrooms and they're in bed by 9pm, not necessarily with lights out but no internet or other gadgets.

His future really worries me because whilst I don't think university is the be all and end all, he has some dyspraxic tendencies and I can't see him doing any kind of practical apprenticeship.

I agree with noblegiraffe, especially regarding the TV/internet control.

Also, the architecture of the teenage brain means most teenagers (it's a bell curve, like anything else) are unable to plan and manage their homework/revision time, or control the impulse to do anything else other than work.

The idea of reverse-engineering career ideas is a good one. Go on to www.prospects.ac.uk and look up careers and there entry requirements in terms of undergraduate degrees. Then go to uni websites or the UCAS website to look at the degree subjects and the entry requirements for those. Then go down to the A level entry requirements and you'll be able to show the for most situations C's won't be enough.

I've done this with a few students over the years and it does help focus the mind a bit. But that'll only last a few hours!

I think, though I don't have my own teenagers (yet) that fairly strict controls on doing homework, getting enough sleep, revision, etc is the most you can do. And it'll be a battle, but he'll thank you for it later.

Good luck!

Eugh! Hideous mis-typed "there" there. I will go and write the correct sentence 100 times.

I am often told on here that I am an incredibly interfering, pushy parent- obviously I don't agree!
My ds is going into year 10 too, and I do still manage homework a bit. I know what he has to do and when it's for, and I check that he's done it. I don't actuLly look at the work, although if he wants to talk it over that's fine. He doesn't get a lot of homework, but we have a rule that he spends at least an hour a day (going up to an hour and a half this year) on something vaguely education related. Homework if he has it. If he doesn't have any, reading something he's agreed with me, watching a TED talk, writing something.......something like that.

What does your ds want to do after GCSEs, OP? Thinking about thT and what he needs to do whatever it is might concentrate his mind a bit. Luckily, ds has set his heart on a particular 6th form that's difficult to get into, so that helps!

he has some dyspraxic tendencies

Speaking as someone whose DD was confirmed dyspraxic mid y11:

I think that GCSEs are too important to let a disorganised child just struggle on. They are the results that open options at 6th form level, and employers look for passes in core subjects too.

Is it possible that it is not because he can't be bothered, it is because he just can't , and thus he feigns the not bothered bit as bravado?

I am lucky that DD wanted me to help her, but as y10 then y11 progressed it became very clear that she definitely needed help organising herself, tracking all the CAs, organising and doing revision.

There are also lots of vocational BTECs around that aren't A levels and aren't apprenticeships, eg Business, Uniformed Services, Outdoor Pursuits, IT etc. Colleges will be having open evenings this term - go along to a variety and see what interests your DS.

My friends teen ds was the same. Not gifted enough to get top grades without effort, but had the ability to get good enough ones with a normal level of work. She did the career thing too, not so much focusing on the title, but did he want to enjoy what he did all day, what lifestyle did he want etc. Then did the checking out uni entrance requirements, then 6th form requirements. With a quick look into what careers were available in his industries of interest with just c's. It does seem to be working but only just gone in y11. However he's very focused on a certain career now and is motivating himself, although early days still needed encouragement and help with time management.

OP, I think there is still time to push your DS for good grade. The most important issue is to discuss with him what he want to do in the future. If he want to do anything require good GCSE results, then he need to put work in. If you can get him to agree that he need to work a bit harder to get better GCSE, then you can certainly help him to improve. If he doesn't want to have better GCSE himself, it would be difficult to push him.

At this age, I think it is time to help him to start look at his future, no matter what he want to do, a good work attitude is still important.

I have the same issues with my DS who has just started Year 10. He has managed to stay in Set 1 for every subject but I was told that if he continues his lack of committment and effort then he would not achieve his predicted grades. It is so frustrating, he is really bright but really lazy and will never do his homework or revision without me telling him to. I didnt think that at this stage I would have to be nagging him about doing his school work. I know he doesnt do as much as he could. I did try to talk about careers and university to focus him. He does want to go to uni but has no idea what he wants to study or what career he wants, every suggestion I make "sounds really boring!". When did your DC's start realising what they wanted to do with their lives?

Some children make up their mind quite early, but some are not. My DS1 has started Y10 as well, he is not sure what he wants to do at the moment either, but he does want to go to a top University, and he is good at math and science, so he would choose a career around these subjects. There are still 3 years till he choose the subject to learn at University. So there are still plenty time.

Minesawine, maybe you can agree with your DS, he has to finish his homework the day it was given? With my DS1, he has been doing this since year 7. So you only need to check with him has he finished today's homework , then once he get this habit, you don't need to chase him anymore.