Changing school after Yr8 due to lack of friends

[PinkiePromise]

DD1 is coming to the end of year 8 at our very local and Ofsted graded 'outstanding' comprehensive. She is achieving good grades. But she has no real friends and has never really settled there. She has people that she sits with at lunch, but she has never, in almost 2 years had contact with anyone outside school, not even a text or a phone call (I have itemised bills so I know). Her 5 yr old sister is her best friend.

Over the past couple of weeks, it has all come tumbling out about how unhappy she really is. We knew that she didn't fit in really, she is teased for her accent, we live somewhere with a very strong accent but despite being born and bred her she does not have an accent. She is viewed as posh and a geek.

She is at the best Comprehensive school in the area, I don't think things would be better for her at another one. We are looking into sending her to a local private school with some very kind financial help from my parents. My issue is, I am not sure this is the answer either. What if she doesn't make friends there? How will she cope with not being top of the class necessarily. It is on the other side of our city, not a five minute walk away, a massive upheaval. But she is so excited at the thought of a fresh start.

My question is does anyone have experience of changing their child's school for similar reasons and how did it work out? A big part of me feels better the devil you know, but it could turn out that moving is amazing for her, I just don't know.

Moves are always risky, but I think that it will be worth the risk. I know a couple of girls who moved to private school because they didn't make friends at comprehensive, and they both became a lot happier in a very small group of girls (the class was boy heavy).

I also have to say from my observation of my DC, friendships can change a lot in year 9/10. Especially in year 10 when they choose their options and are more grown up.
How big is her present school?
The other thing is "just having people to hang with at break and lunchtime" can be as good as it gets in school, its only 6 hours or so a day. Sometimes its better to concentrate on making real friends on the hours outside school. Is there anything else she can join?

Pinkie independently of the decision to change school I am not convinced that a dance class is the best outside activity to make friends so I would encourage her to do something else. What about finding a junior book club or a local summer activity week such as putting a play on or anything which involves proper group interaction and more chance of meeting like-minded people?
Some DCs who are not typical for their school are quite good at adapting themselves including the way they speak to blend in with their classmates whilst others find it hard and therefore always feel the outsider. I think alienation. is worse in early teens as at that age they are quite judgemental and seem to value fitting in most of all.
Changing school is always a risk but I think from your posts that if she feels less of an outsider there even without strong friendships she would find school a more positive experience than the 'no-mans land' existence she has now. Anyway the try out will help.

Some DCs who are not typical for their school are quite good at adapting themselves including the way they speak to blend in with their classmates whilst others find it hard and therefore always feel the outsider. I think alienation. is worse in early teens as at that age they are quite judgemental and seem to value fitting in most of all.
Changing school is always a risk but I think from your posts that if she feels less of an outsider there even without strong friendships she would find school a more positive experience than the 'no-mans land' existence she has now. Anyway the try out will help.

Great points summerends. That's what I wanted to say also but couldn't articulate.

My DD1 was not typical for her primary school but she got on very well friendship-wise and was happy. When she started at a different Secondary school to her primary school friends, she said to me how nice it was to be with girls who were more like her. She'd obviously been doing a lot of adapting to fit in at primary school. DD2, although the more naturally outgoing of the two, isn't doing so well with friendships at Primary school and has reached Year 4 without ever having had a best friend. She's got plenty of acquaintances but she doesn't want to change who she is. She is frustrated that so few of the girls want to do the things she enjoys.

I wouldn't be concerned about changing school in Yr 8....we moved DD last October HT she was in Yr8....There were numerous reasons for moving her (School performance was deteriorating, disruption in class, low level bullying, friendship circle was not great - DD had made friends but in the main was having to blend in rather than be herself).

We are now two terms down the line and very happy that we moved DD, she's in an all girls private school but the friendship circle is good, she's happy in her own skin now ...she's found friends with common interests....I always sometimes felt that we had friends round at the old school and this was reciprocated whereas now DD tends to have more invites to friends houses...

The years 7-9 seem difficult because the girls are changing so much and maturing in different ways some faster than others....

If your DD is happy to move schools I would go for it ....I think two years is enough time to see if there are possible friendships ...

Results are not everything , education is about learning to socialise ,resilience , developing interests being stretched sideways and not just collecting qualifications.

I was like your daughter , in top sets for everything , no close friends , somewhat introverted .At the end of year 8 I moved to a less academic school with great pastoral care , it was the making of me.Whilst on paper the results weren't so good in average , I got better results than I possibly would have done in the other school and my confidence soared , I ended up at a very prestigious university which I would never have even applied for at the bigger school.

We also moved our ds1 at this stage , he had friends but very low self esteem , very academic independent to less selective independent .Academically and socially he did so much better .

Remember percentage A-C only show what the average year gets , not what your child will get and these teenage years are so crucial you need to choose the school tang will help her to flourish .Has she doe a taster day at the potential school?

Re moving for friends I was moved as I had no friends and it made it even worse. There were already cliquey groups that were well established and i was even more of an outsider. I have friends who had the same issues too, I no no one who moved schools and found it easy to make friends straight away.

Could she do extracurricular clubs? I barely kept in touch with anyone from school but my best friend from the choir iwas in in primary school (and I'm an old sod now! So a long long time) stuck around.

PinkiePromise - you know your dd better than anyone. In your heart of hearts, do you think your dd is just really unlucky not to have found real friends, or do you think (not just fear, but think it is more likely than not) she will be taking the same problems with her? Do you think the alternative school will be any better at accommodating someone who in any school might come across as a tiny bit geeky? Or will this particular private school only really help with the sounding posh thing (assuming it does)? Or do you think your dd comes across as geeky more because she's given up on friendships and thus focused her energy on her academic work, rather than because that is the way she is and will always be? As you say yourself, girls' schools can be quite bitchy environments, and one that isn't particularly academic isn't necessarily going to be filled with geeky soulmates for your dd if that's what she's actually hoping for.

I think a taster day is a very good idea, and more of a look around by you. Do you know any other parents with children at the school? What is its local reputation? What is its reputation for pastoral care? Can you be put on a waiting list for the more academic school??

It is possible that the school could be a good solution - another school could indeed be fantastic for your dd and would give her a chance to reinvent herself if that's what she really wants to do, and moving now is a good time to move, academically, but whether any other school would be better than the status quo is definitely more debatable.

I think if you do move her, she must try and do extra curricular activities because this widens the friendship group. I am not sure it is the solution and the results at the private school are not fantastic. Are there no better alternatives that might have a space? A bit further away? On balance, I think I would move her but do your homework thoroughly about what the school actually offers - not what is says in the brochure!

I'm a bit puzsled as to why you and she think she might not be top of the class if she moves to private. Certainly round here, the er not brightest children are in private school.

I went to lots of different schools growing up : I hated moving schools and not fitting in each time and this has stayed with me through my whole life. I was determined my DC go to one primary and one secondary because of this. One thing I did notice : I was top of the class at private secondary but nowhere near top at the local comp. The children at the private school were by far and away the most cliquey and bitchy. But that's one experience. Just because you are paying for it, doesn't make it a better option.

Oh and the private secondary I went to was deemed amazing - Royalty went there. And the comp was good, but not stellar.

I feel for you Pinkie. I have a similar sounding daughter and totally understand what you say about the best and worst outcomes. I would take her to look at the private school (regardless of their results, she will do well if she is bright and happy and happiness is more important, IMHO) and then if she likes it, ask the Head if she can do a trial week - not a day - explain your concerns and reasons for moving. If she feels like she clicks with someone in that week then move, if she feels shunned then you need to consider another option. What that is, I don't know but another 3 years without any friends is a miserable future.