Feel awful after big argument with DD about lack of GCSE revision

[Sobek]

DD arrived home at 11am today after GCSE History and has been slobbing around ever since even though she has a Biology GCSE on Friday and four more exams next week and keeps telling me she doesn't know anything! I didn't say anything until half an hour ago and then I just lost it when she was lying on the sofa saying she didn't want to do any revision because it's 'boring'. I said some pretty awful things, told her she is a lazy cow and that she'll look like an idiot when all of her friends who are predicted lower grades get better results than her because they've actually done some work, that everyone will be laughing at her behind her back and that her options will be severely narrowed down if she doesn't do well in the subjects she wants to do at A level. Bloody hell...I knew what I said was terrible, but writing it down makes me realise how absolutely vile I have been. I also said that I'm not willing to pay the huge cost of the train fare to the sixth form at a super selective grammar (she's at a comprehensive at the moment) if she can't be bothered to do any work for these exams as she'll probably be booted out of the grammar after a few weeks if that's her work ethic. I just feel awful now, although she didn't seem that bothered and said that she couldn't care less about her results and then she called me a cunt and said she hates me. She has been pretty crap about revision the whole way through the revision period and I spoke to the head of Year 11 who said that she would speak to her...that consisted of her asking DD if all was OK and when DD said yes, that was the end of the conversation! All of DD's friends parents say that their DCs are working really hard, which just makes me panic even more!

I've nagged, cajoled, bullied, become angry (with many expletives), pleaded - none of it worked. I could have written what you have, almost word for word.

We both might be running around trying to figure out a plan B on 20 Aug, but you can't force them to study. His are finished today, thank God, but I think A levels are an awful idea at the moment. I've heard every kid spends the first term in tears, because the work is such a step up.

Although A levels area big step up, in some ways they are 'easier' becuase at least the DCs are doing subjects they want to. If your DC is achieving at least a B at Gcse then they should be capable of the A level in most subjects (maths, physics and chemistry probably need at least a high B or A at Gcse).

Easier said than done but lighten up. You can't make her.

Come August she may be going to the super school or you maybe running around sorting out plan B. Cross that bridge of you come to it

Things are a bit calmer today and we managed to talk for a few minutes without the conversation reverting to a screaming match. I think I said all the 'right' things...just do your best, the results won't affect how we feel about you, even if things don't work out as you hoped, we'll still manage to sort out a plan B...blah blah blah. If I'm completely honest though, I'm not sure I absolutely mean those things and I bet she can detect that. Of course I'll love her just the same, but I'll be mightily pissed off if she gets crap grades in subjects she could have succeeded in just because she has chosen to totally waste all of her time on social media sites and other distraction activities. I'm really struggling with myself here because I know that there are far more important things in life than GCSEs and yet I'm getting so bloody worked up about them. I'm dreading results day already, trying to feign delight when really I'll just want to yell at her and say 'I told you so'.

Only four more exams to go....they finish next Thursday. I can't wait. It feels like they've been going on forever!

I'm really not so sure about the A'level plan now either. I've got friends who have extremely bright Dc who, like my Dd, have done sod all work for their GCSEs and are now doing their A levels. They managed to get pretty good GCSE grades considering (although not the large number of A*s they were predicted), but they just cannot cope with A levels and are failing miserably. I think the problem isn't lack of intelligence or ability (far from it), but the fact that they've never developed any good study skills and don't know what hard graft is. They expect to be spoon-fed and are generally pretty lazy.

I see this sort of thing a lot. A bright student , hard working, conscientious, target grades all A/A*. I would agree she there is some anxiety going on. If she revises really hard and does not get the predicted grades will she see herself as a failure or will others? If she doesn't revise she can avoid this situation. There is such a culture with young people I see more and more that is if I don't try, no one can tell me I failed. I think it says huge amounts about the education system and society in general. What happened to working towards achieving something.

"She looks bad too. She won't brush her hair in the morning before school, wears a school jumper with holes in (she's got jumpers without holes), hitches her skirt up to an obscenely short length, has cold sores and bad skin (she sleeps in her make up) and is twice the size she was a few months ago".

I would be really worried about this OP.
She sounds depressed.
Is there something else going on?

I don't know whether there is anything else going on. Everything seemed to go downhill pretty quickly when the revision period started, but maybe I just hadn't really noticed until things got really bad. I'm not sure how I would even find out if there is anything else. She doesn't open up to me at all. In fact, we can't even communicate these days without it turning into a screaming match.

I wonder what it is that causes kids to not want to try for fear of failure? Perhaps I praised her too much when she was young? I thought I was building up her self-esteem, but by always telling her how smart she is, she probably thinks I have unrealistically high expectations of her.

I've been where you are with DS1 who is now doing A levels. He aced his GCSEs without too much effort but A levels have been a nightmare. I'd like to erase the past 2 years if I could.

He hasn't worked hard enough and I will be gobsmacked if he achieves his university offer. But, finally I have just decided it's his choice and to wait and see what happens on results day.

I know you feel a failure; I do too but you can lead a horse to water...

Just keep reassuring her that it doesn't matter if she doesn't make her grades and start making a Plan B in case you need it in August.

hi op,
I wouldnt feel too guilty. I bet there are loads of mums having serious talks with their dcs about their attitude towards revision while the dads are not helping. If you dont have these conversations no one else will as no one else will take on the responsibility. Id have said what you did.

Sadly, I fear when teenagers are in this mode there is nothing you can do about it. What grades does she need to get to gain entry to these selective schools.
She probably will do much better than you think as I think that it is possible to get by with doing very little work for gcses. For AS level it is a different story as the step up is so extreme.

Don't feel guilty.
But do take her to the doctors and try to get her some help.

My DD has finished her exams, but we did touch on what she'd do if her exams really were a "disaster" and actually she was quite sensible, talking about getting an apprenticeship etc.

A lot of teens get very turned off by the intense pressure they are put under for GCSEs and then A'levels. and a lot of the time more pressure is just what they don't need.

I would agree with what Stonelog has said. Haven't had time to read whole thread so apologies if this is repetition: My view is that this could all be down to a massive fear of failure. Being predicted all A*s may have created an undue amount of pressure on your dd that she is finding hard to cope with. She may have developed a mindset in which she feels it would be easier to flunk it (spectacularly) than try but fail. Have you talked to her about how she feels about coping with all these exams? Perhaps you acknowledging the pressure she must feel and reassuring her that you are not expecting anything more than that she simply tries her best might help take the pressure off and give her the courage to have a go. And I would also say that if you are feeling bad for all that was said, she is more than likely feeling the same too. And perhaps a little afraid underneath all the aggressive talk.

Just read this thread and I could have written everything literally word for word. My son finished his GCSE's about a month ago, did absolutely bugger all revision and if he doesn't meet the threshold will be kicked out of his (selective) school for sixth form. No Plan B and no idea what we should be doing. I just wondered what happened in the end and where you are now both with working and bad language!