Anxiety about us being working class and applying for independents

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Dd is summer born year 5 and bright (5as for everything and in mixed yr5/6 class). She finds academic work comes easy and needs very little /no help from us. I was similar and horribly let down by state comp. Unfortunately while the state primaries here are great the comps are not, poor results, don't have sixth forms, etc. We're not in a grammar area. Independents are excellent but very selective.
I've decided to get a tutor to help prep dd for the independent school entrance tests. I'm starting to feel a bit anxious about the entrance assessments, DH and I will be included and I'm worried about DH saying something daft (sorry DH). Dd doesn't do hundreds of activities like some other children and probably won't sell herself enough (we don't have that innate confidence that middle classes have). It's not helping that mother is anti private schooling and keeps going on and on about it in front of dd.
Gah what to do. Has anyone else had this dilemma? I feels a bit Dick van Dyke...

No real advice but just some support. I was a bright kid, went to a crappy comp and was incredibly lucky to have a couple of supportive teachers who went above and beyond to ensure I made it. I could easily have sunk and would never want my child to have to experience it. You are doing the right thing. My experience of friends at independent schools is that the schools will be used to applicants from a wide range of backgrounds including WC. Just make sure you or DH don't have a chip on your shoulders or pass on inverse snobbery to your DD (something my parents were excellent at once I got to uni and became 'posh' )

I really don't think it will be an issue at most 'decent' independents. By decent, I'm not referring to the education standards, but the attitude of school, staff and students.
There are kids from all backgrounds at DSs independent. I am sure some are very well off, but equally others come from working families, who have given up stuff to get their kids there.
I am guessing that schools that are big on offering bursaries will be aiming to attract a greater cross-section of society. Also those that have a high proportion of students from state schools will probably reflect that mix.
Visit all the schools you are interested in, several times if you can and get a real feel for them. Chat to the students and see what they are like. I am sure you will fell at home at some of them.
It may be worth trying to get your DD to do some activities - they don't have to be expensive. A hobby collecting something etc is just as good. Or guides/scouts etc. If she gets to interview stage, it is helpful if she has something to talk about that she is interested in though.
The key is finding the school where you and your DD will feel relaxed and happy.
Good luck

Thanks sunshine. No chips here, quite the opposite probably. Just more a slight inferiority complex. On paper (jobs and income) we're as middle class as other parents but I feel very working class, poor aspirations all the way. Do your children attend fee paying schools?

Thanks seeline, that's helpful. We will visit. Her tutor (hasn't started yet) works at one of the schools so it will be helpful to get her perspective. Dd does some after school activities (brownies, cricket, netball, cycling, musical instrument) but that is nothing round here- everyone seems to do that plus Saturday drama schools, multiple dance classes, etc, etc. not uncommon for kids to have 2-3 activities a night.

Those after school activities sound fine. You want quality, not quantity.

I'm afraid that I am a bit bemused by your OP. What does "Gah what to do" mean? Whether to apply or not? Whether to send your DH to finishing school or not?

Go through the individual steps. You can decide at each stage whether to proceed or not. It's as much about them suiting your purposes as you suiting theirs.

Yes whether to apply or not Senua. To step out of our group to some degree I suppose. DH and I were the first in our families to go to uni and if we go ahead we'll be the first of our families and friends to send our DC to independent school. It's difficult to explain without seeming a bit daft really, let's just say no one in the inner circle will approve.

Can you afford it?

Would you regret not doing it?

In listening to your family and friends views do you think they have valid points against the independents that you share?

Be careful of the grass being greener. Some independents are excellent, some are money for old rope.
Are you sure that your area, which has "everyone" doing multiple activities, really divides nicely into the academically able going private and the dregs going to the comp. Is it that simple?
Keep your wits about you and don't be swayed by private school PR nor inner circle doubters. You and your DH have done OK so far, have belief in your own critical abilities and judgement. Go and see all schools for yourself; don't rely on gossip which (a) may be hearsay and (b) be out of date.

Great advice here. Go and see where your dd feels comfortable and excited. Talk to the students- are they what you'd like dd to be? Interviews- is she confident talking to adults? Get her practicing with everyone and anyone. Encourage her passions- reading etc- books she can talk about etc. often they are looking fir spark and enthusiasm. Trust your instincts! Indies often run sports camps etc over the holidays- work getting her used to the places and feel. Or go to the concerts etc. good luck!!

It sounds like my parents were in your position 30 years ago. My Dad was a gas fitter and my Mum was a housewife. I was very bright at primary school and someone suggested to them that I might benefit from independent school. I passed the exams and was awarded an assisted place to a fairly prestigious Girls School.

I am incredibly grateful to my parents for the sacrifices they made so that I could have a good education but I feel sad for them because there were so many aspects of which they didn't have a clue. It was a bit odd being 'working class' in an affluent environment, but I didn't really mind at the time, I was pretty thick skinned/oblivious and my Mum made sure my uniform and school bag were nice so I blended in pretty well. There was no hope of getting a car for my 17th like other girls in my school did but that really didn't do me any harm, the difficulty was more cultural, neither of my parents had been to Uni so didn't know how to help me through the application process or how to give good advice on choosing a course.

In short I had a lovely time at school, I made excellent friends and took part in some wonderful activities. I received a rich and rounded education and went to Uni and got a fairly good job. I have no idea what class I belong to anymore, I suspect my own aspirations and values are middle class but I respect my working class parents above everything.

I'm starting to feel a bit anxious about the entrance assessments, DH and I will be included and I'm worried about DH saying something daft (sorry DH).

What? I've never heard of a school assessing parents for anything other than general supportiveness - which you demonstrate by being interested in the school. Are you sure you've read that right?

As pps have said a decent school will encourage and welcome a diverse intake of pupils. Any school where the staff or pupils make you feel actually uncomfortable (as opposed to slightly awed at the facilities) is not the right school.

Same issue here - we discovered the independents are falling over themselves to take in naturally bright (i.e. not over coached middle of the road) kids no matter what their background.

We applied to 3 - got 3 offers. DD chose the one she liked best.

We do have the crappest car in the school, take the bus and don't go on swish holidays - luckily the other pupils, even those who are filthy rich are not snobs or mean to DD and we've never had a problem.

Can you afford it?

It's not just that. It's whether it's worth spending that much on something that you can get for free.
Is it £80-90,000 better? Could you do something preferable (Uni costs, house deposit, travel, etc) for your DD with that money?

Thanks everyone, it's helpful. The schools in the running have excellent reputations, are massively oversubscribed and come personally recommended, they are multicultural and inclusive as far as I can tell from reports, bursary availability, etc. We can afford them. The state comps are not great, not by ofsted and not by what we hear from friends whose children attend them. Problems with behaviour, not stretching the most able, not the best results, etc. plus no sixth forms. I feel terrible saying this as I wanted to stick with state, it's all I've known.
The parent meeting is to tell the school about the child. DH can be a bit socially awkward at times and I worry that he'll drop a clanger. I will prep him in advance.
I suspect my worries about the class thing will become less once we visit, I hope so.

senua money isn't an issue for us. We're far from rich but we can afford this, university, dd home deposit, etc. what I want is for her to have the opportunities we did not because of our schooling.

It sounds like you have made your mind up. Go for it!

Rather than seeking to be socially selective as well as academically selective the best independents are falling over themselves to have some diversity in their intake, they want a mix of backgrounds and cultures because of the way those different attitudes and experiences enrich community life. They place a lot of emphasis on opening and broadening minds. And although they are inevitably economically selective they have bursary and scholarship schemes, and with many of them having an ethos of giving bright pupils a chance whatever their background going back hundreds of years, they also have outreach schemes in state primary schools designed to encourage applications from those who might not otherwise think to apply and not just middle class parents who know how to play the system. Add to that plenty of parents making sacrifices to give their bright DCs a chance and there is a surprising amount of diversity in these schools. I have heard some middle class mothers wingeing that their DCs would stand a better chance if they came from a working class area and went to a poorly performing state school, not true but it reflects a message these schools are sending out.

At one of the entrance exams I met a single father with two small children looking for somewhere to take them, his wife had died in Somalia, his DSs teacher had paid the registration fee and for the transport because she knew that he was bright enough and this was a good school choice for him.

Personally I would not have chosen any independent school that didn't show evidence of that ethos. I didn't want my daughters to be educated in a snob shop but in a school that will open their minds to the diversity of human experience as well as the stimulation and rewards of academic world, and teach them that with that privilege comes a responsibility to add value / give back to society. Of course it a long haul given some family backgrounds.....

So rather than worrying what they will think of you, the important thing is what you think of them.....

Oh and by the way I had two DDs go through selective schools and though my background is not WC, my parents were the first to university I am northern which in these parts amounts to the same thing

You say "schools" plural but "meeting" singular. What's the deal? One meeting for all the schools or only one school meeting? (Not that it really matters, I'm just puzzled.)

Please don't be nervous. They will find out all they need to know about your DD from your daughter . And her extra-curricular stuff sounds absolutely fine.

zero there are 2 in the running, possibly 3. One has a meeting interviews before the exams, the second has interviews for only those who do best at the exam.

Ok. Do take every opportunity to visit the schools on as many occasions as possible before the exams.

And, honestly, all that will count is her current Head's report, the exam and her interview.

Any decent private school will not care about your background. I understand that you are worried your Dh might say something daft but I doubt The Head will care.
The private schools near us take diversity very seriously and encourage anyone to apply, although some are selective it's based on the child's academic ability NOT whether the parents " fit in"
I went to a Private school on scholarship and I wasn't the poorest child there and never felt out of place so it is possible if you pick the right school. I had friends from various backgrounds. We are looking for Private Secondary for DD and when we went last week The Head didn't want to speak to us at all, just her. Also, when she goes for her assessment day we aren't even invited.
If you feel it's the right choice for your child don't let anyone else persuade you otherwise - presumably if you feel you come from " working class" backgrounds you have worked hard for the money you will use for school fees so sod anyone who tells you how to spend it.

Just to add, I have two DC in a prep school (one going through the senior school application process now) and spend plenty of time talking to the sort of parents you think will be perfect in the meeting with the head. I can tell you that a lot of them are just as prone to dropping clangers as anyone else.

Beware of imposter syndrome.
www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2013/nov/09/impostor-syndrome-oliver-burkeman

You have as much right as everyone else to send your DD to those schools, you are the equal of the other parents and your DD will get in on merit so will deserve her place as much as any other child in the school.

I went through the state system and I knew little about the private school system. When I first went to see some of these very nice schools I sort of felt I shouldn't be there. I don't feel that way anymore but I did have to keep reminding myself that my DC have as much right to be there as any other child. All the parents I have met so far have been fine.

These family interviews work both ways. The Head or Deputy Head Teacher know that you may be considering offers from other schools and will want to be your preferred option. They're not going to give you the hard sell, but there is definitely a more balanced dynamic going on than you might expect. Even the very best schools know that they are in competition with other schools. If, after entrance exams and school reports they decide that your child is a good fit with their school, a bit of social awkwardness isn't likely to change that.

As far as feeling like a fish out of water, bear in mind that many of even the most prestigious schools started off as charitable establishments. Wealthy benefactors left property and money to provide a free education for the poor children of the parish. While money isn't the issue here for you (and a lot of things have changed over the centuries) it still might help to look at independent schools from this perspective.

Thanks all. Family haven't much in the way of reasonable objections- just the usual prejudices: how can we possibly afford it; what pay for what you can get for free; it'll be full of snobs; it never did you any harm; she should be with her friends, etc.
Yes imposter syndrome sounds about right. I'm sure when we look closely there will be others like us there. Feel a bit calmer.