Should Child decide 6th Form?

[DontMindTheStep]

Hello I need parenting help

I wish I hadn't argued, but I did.

DC says their mind is made up...in September they want to go to a college they haven't visited.

I have lots of good reasons to prefer the better results college for them. They agree these reasons but inexplicably prefer the other college and argue it strongly.

It is a power struggle. DC had been grounded lately for very risky behaviours and lying, and they resent being controlled.

We argued, and I can't undo that now. We are polite usually, and we both apologised, but the distance between us is huger than ever now.

I fear that DC just wants to be negative about me and my preferences. They like Dad more at the moment, but he avoids 'conversations' (even though he prefers the same college as me). They only talk about sport and I cannot get him to engage anyway.

Do I say:
" Trust me DC. I know this is best for you. It will be alright. I can make this decision for you and it is the better choice. Here is some money for buying new college things/clothes"

and they don't trust me, and they hate me. The bribe would be seen as such as I never use bribery.

or
Should I respect the decision of the student and support them without having heard any reason, other than they crave independence?

It sounds as if your child is being contrary for the sake of it. And often people don't like to back down, especially when they have made a fuss about something, because they don't want to lose face.

Calmly tell your child they can go to their preferred college if that is what they really want. The condition is that they need to look around it first (and the other place, if they haven't done so already). You can tell them you still think the other place is better because and you think they are making a mistake, but it is their choice.

I suspect that if you act as if you are not all that bothered, your child might be more inclined to see sense.

The latter definitely, on the proviso that they accept both offers and not decline until results day. And you let them make the final decision.

You really CANT dictate to a 16-17 year old which college they go to. Unless you want them to drop out...

I agree, accept both offers and let the student decide.

For my dd's potential 6th forms, they have open afternoons for offer holders at the end of June, so an(other) chance to visit both.

They don't need to decide until enrollment day, really. Who knows, feelings my change by then. No need to stress about it now.

Agree to respect each other's choices. You will allow DC to enroll at their choice if they agree to being enrolled at your choice. You now have a Plan A and a Plan B, which is a good idea anyway. You will re-visit the problem after results day.

If DC hasn't even visited yet, do you think that they will actually get round to enrolling if it's left to them to organise? When are deadlines?

I would let him get on with it. If you force him to go to your preferred choice, there is a big chance that he won't try his best just to "show you". Equally, that same reason may make him work harder than he normally would at his chosen college.

That said, I would make sure he looks round both colleges first.

I remember the transition between secondary school and sixth form and once young people are at sixth form they are treated much more like adults. So in this sense, your DS should be allowed to make his own choice, and accept the consequences of all that goes with it.

However, if he needs significant input from you, such as transport to and from college and expects you to provide this free of charge, then maybe you get more of a say.

But really I think this is the time when young adults should be making their own life decisions, even if you don't always like it, or can see their logic is flawed.

At the end of the day they have to go to this college not you. While the average results of your preferred college may be higher your DC is not a statistic. They are a person in their own right. They will achieve their own results not an average of the college's output.

To put a positive spin on things they may well be motivated to work hard at the college of their choice just to prove you wrong.

You cant make them go to the college of your choice unless you are planning to try and physically drag them there.

Dont down play the importance of independence. At 16 having to live with the consequence of decisions is an important life lesson.

It's not an either/or situation. I would keep revisiting facts, figures, numbers, laying them out in front of him in a neutral manner in order for them to research and make their own mind up.

If it's about staying with certain friends, offer alternatives, map out bus routes for meeting up.

Do this simply to stall the situation and allow him/her to get out of the standoff. Then if they have really looked at all the options then let them make their choice.

Of course you probably know best but they won't be able to visualise the reality.

Also be realistic yourself and consider that children with lower GCSE results can sometimes find it very hard to join a 6th form with high achievers.

Update : Yess! Senua was right to wonder about information deadlines. It had passed. However, today the college (I prefer) extended the offered place, which DC had let elapse (they contact the child directly!), and I accepted the place so we have a choice again.

Phew! Now DC can attend both taster days and make a more reasoned decision themselves.

Gnome - yes a person in their own right. I do like your comment and good to remind ourselves not to be scared of statistics.

Greymalkin - you sound so kind and balanced.

I think I let myself down getting so angry. There is a pent up annoyance that the teens feel "entitled" to get what they want and that our job is to support it, regardless of our experience and logic and love for wanting the best for them.

That sounds good.

Remember teens perceive the world completely differently to us due to their brain development. They feel aggrieved about minor stuff only because the part of their brain responsible is hyper sensitive at this time. Only ever speak to a teen with a smile and a nice voice even if you're seething.

The entitledness is their sense of ego which also goes into hyper development due to hormonal and neurological changes, they really can't help it blessem.

My eldest insisted she left her school to go to a different college, I let her choose, I had explained why her preference concerned me.

She went, she left at the Easter she has now enrolled elsewhere doing completely different subjects, loving it and likely to get at least 2 "A" grades at A-level. I don't nag her or anything, I remind her that she's been given a 2nd chance and it's up to her to make the most of it!

So all is not lost if the first year doesn't work out regardless of where they end up.

It is madness to enrol at a school that you have not visited or done due diligence. I respect our DCs' opinions on schools etc but those opinions are based on facts and experience.

I got a place at a sixth form with excellent results. I didn't want to go - I wanted to stay at my school with my friends. My parents let me decide. I ended up getting excellent results anyway (although I have to admit I'm no longer in touch with those friends who seemed so important to me at the time!).

However, I agree they should at least visit the school and be able to tell you why they prefer it.

My DS is in Y12

Last year when he was applying to colleges he was adamant that he would not go an open evening at one of the colleges. He already has an offer from college one and this was for a back up college

Told him I wouldn't take him to college 2 without going to college 3. He ended up applying for the one he originally didn't want.

His exams results were not good enough to go to his first choice so he has ended up at the other one and is loving it.

Basically they can't make a decision about any college unless they have visited