DS Year 7 Advice Needed for Sudden Friendship Problem

[nearlyspringtime]

Please get in touch Mums if you have been through this or can help ...

My DS did not have any big 'friend problems' at primary school and looked
like he was settling in well in Year 7. He's (or was until last week)
happy-go-lucky, friendly and getting on with things.

A long-term friend from primary school has been at our house
frequently since September and this lad has been sensible,
well-spoken and stable(!).

Last week instead of walking home together when they met
up, this lad out-of-the-blue said to my DS 'Shove off [I've edited that], I've
found someone more popular than you'.

My DS is sad, luckily he has two clubs outside school with friends
from various schools. He's rapidly losing interest in school, and I
have never seen him despondent before. I wonder if not being sporty
has had a general adverse affect in a senior school environment?

Any advice for how to help my DS?

Hi nearlyspringtime. My DD had similar problems in year 7. Unfortunately some children get their heads turned by the more "popular" children whom they perceive to be more alluring than your child. There are more friends to choose from at secondary school and there can easily be a lot of changes in friendship groups. I do think it is important for your DS to have more than one friend. This should be possible at secondary school and it seems that the other boy is starting to branch out in his friendships. That does not excuse what he said to your DS, and, from what you say, this boy is looking for more sporty friends - perhaps.

I think you really need to encourage your son to find like minded people at school. If he is not sporty it will still be possible to find people who like what he likes, whatever that is. Does he work with boys he gets on with in lessons? Maybe invite a couple of those boys round or set up an outing with them.

Sporty people tend to be "Gods" at some schools. However, plenty of people will not be sporty and he should be encouraged to join clubs at school to meet others like him, not just outside school. My DDs both went to schools where they did not know a single pupil, but even within year 7, new friends became former friends, and even newer friends appeared. Primary school friends are not necessarily lifelong friends. Also, when they choose GCSE subjects, friendships can change again as they sit and work with like minded children. Friendships have to be a bit flexible.

I second pretty much everything Milly said.

It is incredibly common in y7 - no consolation I know - that friendships change or end, seemingly overnight! Loads of us could have written your posts. Sometimes the children realise that all they have in common is attending the same primary school.

What we did: 1) Made sure my DS knew that this is about the other boy and not him. 2) Encouraged DS to try lots of lunchtime clubs. 3) Concentrated for a time on out of school friendships, so that school issues were not all consuming. 4) Encouraged DS to invite classmates he "clicked with" round - they often pair/group them for homework tasks. 5)Tried to boost DS's confidence so that fickle friendships are not so damaging.

DS has really surprised us in the last few months. He is now part of a group of around half a dozen in his tutor group - the "uncool kids" they sometimes refer to themselves as. My DS has decided that the "cool kids" have to work too hard to maintain their popular status and he is no longer trying to gain their acceptance.

His new friends are kind to each other. They are far from "uncool" in my opinion.

Do not despair. Y7 is a funny old time. Good luck!

Milly, Notin*,

Can I send my gratitude for the time and helpful
suggestions that you have sent.
I will put all of them into practice.

I agree that friendships based on kindness and
mutual support are the ideal to reach, and I'm
sure that most will reach that understanding
eventually ...

Thanks again, Your replies have really helped.

Nothing useful to add, but we're definitely noticing how friendships are shifting. DD has been picked up and dropped a number of times since starting year 7 - think this is extremely common as they're trying to work out where they belong. Dd is one of the 'uncool' ones with no great desire to join the 'popular' set but some of her primary friends are drawn like moths to a flame and strive to upgrade their friendship group. We call them the 'wannabees' and try to steer dd towards more like minded souls. It's tough...

Gleegeek, how*,
Thanks for your replies and more important for
caring ... lad has started having nightmares but
is now starting to get over it.

I'll more-so carve out the way for long term success
for son as our primary target and re-frame
friendship problems as distractions not essentially
rejections.
and we are going to be a lot more careful in the
future about friendships ...

Sending a hug to you all.

The extreme of this phenomenon is described in "Queen Bees and Wannabees" aka "Mean Girls"! nearlyspringtime - I am sure your DS will soon realise who he gets on with but sometimes children do not have especially close friends for a while but are on good terms with lots of children. It is early days and he will find everything settles down. It is upsetting because rejection is hard.

I have always encouraged my children to have lots of friends rather than one close friend for this reason. They have been upset in the past by besties that exclude everyone else whilst not having a best friend themselves .... i wont even use that term...... DS has several friends who think they are DS bestie, but wont confirm or deny. DD y7 has a class of 19 boys and 9 girls some have buddied up but it causes tension and fallouts ... i have told DD how shallow these kids are and if she thinks i choose my friends on the basis of what handbag they currently have (she laughed) .... hoe daft would i look!!! Agree new group new interests ... keep going ... hes open now to new friends himself and will find some good mates, only he hasnt looked because he didnt need too.

Ds was lucky in that his tutor group was spectacularly geeky and he found friends straightaway. In fact there was only one "footbally" boy in the tutor group who begged to be allowed to swap as he was outnumbered!

Dd, however, has had a different experience. She is, sadly, one of those girls whose head does seem to be turned by "cool" girls. She is not very cool herself, but there has been much angst where she tries to befriend - ahem - unsuitable persons and then she comes home with her tail between her legs as she's been taken up, examined, found wanting, and dropped. It's very frustrating for me as I'm the type who would never want to belong to a club that didn't want me, but she seems more aspirational or at least impressed by the sort of girls that I really don't want her to be friends with...

Momtothree,
Genius From now on the concept of the best friend will be scratched
off my conversations and it is true that my lad has many chums, had just got close to this particular lad, so fingers crossed.

Brenda*,
A geeky tutor group - lovely, I would chose that myself (!).

Thanks for sharing about your Dd, it really helps to understand
what goes on. I'm sure she will find a lovely lass who likes her
for who she is and it is not complicated (!) and after that all the
other so-called 'cool' girls would not be so appealing.

Again, thanks mums. Sending hugs