Do you ever insist your child does something "for the good of the school"- for want of a better phrase?

[Hakluyt]

Ds doesn't want to play for the school football team any more because he doesn't like the way his team mates behave at away matches. The coach is very good at coaching football but a bit crap at behaviour management. He is (no stealth boast- an open one!) a key player and the team will feel it very much if he leaves. I've said he can stop but has to explain why, but a bit of me thinks he should just carry on for the school's sake. I'm pretty sure I'm being ridiculous and read too many Chalet a School books at an impressionable age, but would be interested to know what others think.......

What YABVU!
the school is there for the benefit of your child, not vice versa.
Quite apart from that your DS is showing a very mature attitude in wanting to disassociate himself from those behaving badly.

I have, and in retrospect I was wrong.

I have, but I wouldn't in that situation. It's been music performances where she's thought she really couldn't be bothered to go out/too much homework/something clashing and I've said that she should go as she gets things out of being in the choir etc. so that is her time to give something back.

If she was uncomfortable with behaviour I'd be having a word with the teacher, and then withdrawing her if no improvement though.

No I don't think he should be made to carry on although I do think having commuted he should see the season out.

I once made dd take part in a music festival with the school choir even though it was very last minute & clashed with her out of school performing arts classes & also clashed with us having to collect ds from a residential in a different part of town at the same time.

Big mistake- loads didn't turn up then the following month dd was one of only a handful of choir members in her year group not to be chosen to take part in a singing workshop day involving lots of different schools.

She cried,especially as it was all her friends talked about for weeks. I tried to lessen the blow (this happens, got to take the knocks, you just played the lead in an open audition musical & danced in pro panto etc)

The following year the festival clashed with a rehearsal for a show she was taking part in so she didn't attend.

I think it wildly and unfair and unfortunate that your DS feels he can't commit to something he is passionate about and talented in because of behaviour issues. How is it in the best interests of the school that pupils behave badly at away games? What might be 'for the good of the school' is that you have a meeting with the Head of Year, or the Head of PE and discuss the problem and see if it can be resolved in a win-win way?

What does the behaviour involve?

I have, but more on the lines of having been picked for a rubbish team you still have to give it your all - and that is reinforcing a message already come from school.

TBH if the "for the sake of the school" ethos exists in his school I would expect him to be feeling it without you having to force the issue. It does exist in DC's school, but OTOH they would be read the riot act big time if their behaviour at away matches or when hosting visiting teams was anything other than exemplary - more so than for a lousy performance on the field.

It would be interesting to see what reaction he gets if he goes (for example) to the head of sport and explains his reasons for quitting.

I wouldn't let them 'not turn up at the last minute' type thing, but I would be very proud of them for saying that they didn't want to be associated with poor behaviour and of course wouldn't make them carry on. I'd want him to make it clear to the teacher why he was leaving though.
Presumably he can get his football fix with a club at the weekend.

Thank you. The problem is that there are three football coaches and the one who isn't particularly good at behaviour control is the only one who can drive the mini bus! So the behaviour at home matches is OK.

Anyway, DS is going to talk to the head coach when he gets the chance. I will be interested to see what happens next.

tbh, I wouldn't be surprised if the school just send another teacher along with them, to see what's happening - after all, it's the reputation of the school that is at threat if the behaviour is so bad your ds wants to leave.

I like to think that my children do 'something for the good of the school' simply by gracing school with their presence .

In fact, if my children agree to do something, I expect them to do what they have agreed to do (this applies both to school and non-school activities). But I wouldn't expect them to continue to play in a team indefinitely just because they got a place in year 7, or whenever.... I think it's fine if your ds quits - and it would be fine if he'd quit simply because he was no longer as keen on football.

Depends to be honest. I think if the school had been particularly supportive of my child then I'd want them to give something back. Likewise any other group they were involved with.

If school hadn't really gone above and beyond, and my child really hated doing whatever it was then I wouldn't insist.

I think, actually, refusing and telling them why would be for the good of the school.

How old is he? Might he need some support to communicate his decision properly and in a positive way?

DS is heavily involved in football at school, district, county and club.

One of the key rules we insist he abides by is that once he has committed to something he sticks with it.

So, YABU.