advice needed desperately, ds being bullied

[foreverton]

Hi, I recently posted about my ds in year 7 who has asc and is unhappy and unsettled and I was considering appealing again( lost last year)

Anyway, today I received a call from his friends mum who I've met several times due to them having sleepovers etc.

She said her ds got in the car after school today and broke down crying saying that he and my ds are both being bullied.

I suspected this a few times due to ds change in behaviour, crying over the long travelling ( school has asc support )and that's the main reason we chose it.

I asked ds several times, even went to see HOY and he said no.
Today after school it all came out.

I've rang the school and HOY said that she wants to see both dc in the morning and wants names.

Ds is big and tall and has been called names such as fatty since October.

He is also not allowed to sit on the class table at lunchtime and is told to go away, he's not wanted etc.

I am torn between taking him straight out or giving it time but I feel like I'm throwing him to the wolves:(

I intend to apply to appeal school again but now have extra reasons.
Unfortunately, my suspicions of this school have been confirmed and my son has been suffering for months.

He already has severe anxiety and this has been horrendous lately.

I feel so upset.

All schools have bullying, it how the school deals with it that matters.
Try to give them a chance to sort it out.

(ps It's not really their fault if your son has been suffering for months if he hasn't said anything)

Poor ds

If you already had big misgivings about the school and their support for ds, and this has compounded it, I would go straight ahead with the appeal. Does he have a statement? What are you appealing - change of school?

I'd also try and go to the meeting with HOY too, and ask them clearly what they are going to do to prevent this continuing?

teenandtween sorry but that's a cop-out. OP's ds has ASD, for one thing, and this school supposedly has specific ASD support. He should be e.g. having regular pastoral discussions with a specified, trained person. What supervision is there if he is regularly excluded at lunchtimes? It is victim blaming to say it's his responsibility to tell school. Loads of children being bullied are too scared to tell teachers, let alone an 11yo with ASD.

Speak to the HOY after she has spoken to the boys, ask to be kept involved with the situation, what is going to happen to the boys. If you can get your DS to sit down with you and write down names, times and places if he can remember any specific incidents rather than just general, it will help with the HoY tomorrow. Find/ask for a copy of the school's bullying policy and check it is being followed. You need to know two things, what are the consequences for these boys who have been bullying and what measures can they put in place to help your DS? E.g. Elsa support, a safe place to go at break/lunch if he needs it, take notes if you have the phone conversation with deadlines, then you have a record of the conversation if things that are promised don't happen and you can take it further e.g. governors.

Don't pull him out without having a plan e.g. Are you happy to home ed or are there any other schools with places that he could go to? The school have a responsibility to keep him safe, keep records of everything and go higher than the HoY to head if things are not resolved.

Thank you for your kind and helpful replies:)
Dp took ds out for tea to speak to him one to one but didn't get much more out of him, except that it seems girls are involved in the bullying too.

Ds doesn't open up much in general and said he was hoping it would just stop and he didn't want to make a fuss.

The school doesn't have the best reputation, ofsted said it requires improvement but it's the only school in our big city that has a special autism unit, though ds is thriving academically, it's supposedly there for pastoral support too.

We appealed last year to an outstanding school, mixed sex and Catholic, the only one here ( ds went to Catholic primary ) and lost.

The school is renowned for its excellent pastoral care and we had supporting evidence from the ed psych and asc specialists that his need for continuity, consistency and stability was crucial.

Also, the school he is at now is further away and ds travels alone due to having no other option, it's 2 buses each way, it was practised for weeks and seemed to be doing fine. He's told me he can't cope with the journey, buses are unreliable, often divert due to roadworks and he arrives at school a bag of nerves and it affects him all day.

He has a cousin at appeal school and could access a lift there and back if needed but it's not far from home anyway.

I feel we have a better chance at appeal now and could ask for medical letters again.

Thanks for reading if you've got this far.

I've read your other thread in which you are considering appealing again for your preferred school. Please please take this kindly (as it is definitely meant so) but it comes across to me, even with this new information about bullying that you are having to take in, that you run a big risk of focusing so much on the appeal for the preferred school that you simply don't have the time or emotional head space to help your DS with the current situation. And then, if the appeal fails, you will really be in a bad place. I also remember your thread from last year when you originally appealed and remember how emotionally draining that was for you.

I guess what I am trying to say is that I think it would be helpful to separate the two things completely. Firstly, speak to the current school about the bullying and understand what their proposed approach is. At the same time, I think you will need to consider how you can help your DS overcome his anxiety about the traveling (and how much this might be linked to the bullying). And secondly (but completely separately), consider whether it is the right thing for you and for your DS to appeal for your preferred school again, knowing it could well end in failure again.

NOW- Thank you for your post:)
I completely understand what you're saying as I've thought the same myself!
Dp is also worried as he saw what the appeal process did to me last year and I still haven't recovered from that.

What you're saying is right, I need to separate the two situations and I've got a meeting with HOY today with ds friend's mum too.
I'm going to ask for a copy of the anti bullying policy and find out what support will be put in place for ds.

I appreciate your honesty and it helps to see an opinion of someone who isn't emotionally attracted to the situation.
I run the risk of setting myself up for a fall again, I know that. I'm prepared that the odds aren't great.

This new information has just confirmed that the school isn't right for ds, I really wanted it to be.
It's so hard to see my lovely ds withdrawn and severely anxious and there are of course other schools if he doesn't stay at the current one or if we re-appeal and lose.
My gut instinct is telling me to re-appeal( but not let it take over my life!)

HOY just rang and can't see me until tomorrow morning, friends mum just called and said she is just going to turn up this afternoon now and ask to see her.
Unfortunately, I won't be able to do that, got a leak coming through my utility room from bathroom and am due to attend a work meeting later this afternoon.
Will have to wait until tomorrow.

Put a bucket under the leak. Give apologies to work.

Go sort things for your unhappy, miserable, hurting boy.

Not being deliberately mean. Priorities?!

I phoned the HOY, she was quite insistent that she couldn't see me until tomorrow, school is quite a way away and I don't drive so didn't want to just turn up.
Have got a meeting with her at 10am tmw, they're reviewing cctv from the dining room and she has emailed all ds's teachers to see if they have seen anything untoward going on.
I will know more tomorrow.
Thanks for all responses:)