If a teacher told you that one if your child's best friends was a bad influence what would you do about it?

[MyballsareSandy]

Had a phone call from school earlier to inform me that DD has been put into seclusion for the rest of the day. I asked if she had been alone during this incident, the teacher told me the name of the girl she was with and then went on to say she believed her to be a bad influence on DD, adding 'in confidence'.

So what now, I can't tell DD that thr teacher said this. She's one of her best friends and spends quite a lot of time with her. I've met her several times, haven't had any concerns. Teacher wouldn't elaborate on why she thinks this. Year 9.

You can say you've been phoned that she was put in seclusion so please can she tell you about it.

If she is not forthcoming about friend being involved you can question whether she was alone or not. If she says alone say that teacher said XXX was involved too, please tell the truth.

You can probe how it started. Say maybe if they can't be trusted together maybe they shouldn't hang out so much. Say any further trouble with XXX you will ask them to be separated in lessons.

Thanks Teen, sounds a good way to approach it.

I agree to talking about the phone call you received. I prob wouldn't say 'but I heard x was involved' if my daughter said she was alone....I have a feeling that would just make her roll her eyes if I started asking questions about the friend later.

In addition, you could 'refresh' her friendship with others? So you have any close friends with other girls her age (preferably at the same school)? If so, you could have the other family over for a Sunday lunch, or meet somewhere teen friendly.

For a movie night, you could try to find a good movie where there is an underlying theme of 'friendship' and what real friendship is - get out the popcorn, etc. (gets in a subtle discussion - what did you think of that character?? I don't like that one.... Who would you have been friends with if you went to their school)

Mean Girls is the only one that pops into my mind....but I'm sure there are a lot more - and I'm sure others could suggest some. October Sky was more of a 'science-y' teen movie, but there is a bully at the school in that film, if I remember correctly (gets to the topic of appropriate behaviour, without it being an 'overly girly' movie.

Bad influence or not they need to learn to think for selves and to say no when someone suggests something daft. Plus it's just possible teacher has wrong impression of whose daft idea it was. So my thoughts would be all about "How can you make better decisions in future"

As a Y9 your DD is more than old enough to choose her own friends without interference from parents or teachers. Some of my DCs friends (and I suspect my DCs) are hardly what some of their teachers would consider model students. It doesn't 't mean I or their teachers have a tight to influence their friendships though.

I think my response would depend on my opinion of the teacher.
However at that age it is very difficult to restrict friendships and often the forbidden fruit is always sweeter

I ask my DD if her friend is somebody who helps her 'be the best that she can be' and if she helps them be the best they can be.

I also tell her, whenever she's in trouble and blames her friends, that she has her own mind and has to make her own choices.

Mind you, she's 5