Year 8 / 13 year old girls - friendships

[Parent2266]

Our 13 year old daughter is at an all girls school in year 8. She has no shortage of friends but some of the friendships have been very close one week and less so the next. She was best friends with girl A in year 7 and a little group of 3 formed, then 4, then 5. The group didn't function well as a '5' (arguably due to the dominance of girl E) and it ended up with a phone call one night from girl A, suggesting that our daughter should go and find some new friends.

Although there was no falling out, our daughter has 'joined' a different group of friends and has lunch with them, been to each others' parties and we have done more than our share of tea invites and sleepovers etc to help nurture all of these friendships. On the surface all good, but 2 weeks ago, the other 6 had a sleepover and didn't invite our daughter. Surprise surprise it was naive Instagram pictures which brought this to light.

Yesterday there was a school disco. My daughter had asked them if any of them wanted to go and they each said no as they had various things on e.g. sports match, got a non-school friend round for tea etc. This morning there were pictures on Snapchat of the 6 of them together at one of the houses. There seems to be a possibility that one of them sees our daughter as a threat to 'losing' her 'best friend' within the group, which is not our daughter's intention - she just wants to be treated equally and fairly. They all seem very nice and should make good friends but appear to be being two-faced.

I'm sure that many of you have had your children go through situations similar to this. I'm posting as I'm not sure what the best move is to help her - maybe the school can help, though the issue is more out of school; and contacting the other parents is a 'no' based on past experience. It's possible that my daughter is doing something e.g. through body language which she (and us) are unaware of??? I'd really like to get some honest feedback on why this is happening so we can provide the right advice. Her phoning one of her friends might be the answer but how does she know if they are being honest??? Maybe our daughter need to leave the 'group' and see who follows???

My dd had very similar problems in Y8 and at the time, I remember reading on Mumsnet that it can be a difficult year. It was a similar situation in that my dd had a 'best' friend throughout Y7, who moved on to another friendship group. They, too, played nasty tricks, by excluding my dd and then putting pictures of them enjoying themselves on social media. I well remember them telling her that they would meet her at a large shopping centre, the not responding to her calls when she tried to find them. She can home to find them pictured together on Instgram. Unfortunately it is quite a common occurrence.

It was very upsetting for my dd, and of course, your heart breaks to see them being treated in this way. Judging by my own experience and from other threads on this subject that I have read on MN, I am not sure that there is anything that you can do about the behaviour of your dd's 'friends'. At the time, I urged my dd to find other friends and not to give the girls concerned, the satisfaction of seeing that she was upset. This was easier said than done!

Although I say it myself, my dd is very good natured and just doesn't get it when other girls are unpleasant in this way. I have often wondered whether this make her more likely to be a 'victim', as they can see how easily they can take advantage of her.

Although there is nothing that you can do about the friends, I tried to be as supportive as possible. My dd wouldn't always talk about the situation, but I always made sure that I was there to give her a hug.

Since my dd has been in Y9, she has had fewer problems. I don't know why this is, but wonder whether the problems in Y8 are linked to a stage in girls' development. It is a horrible experience, but as I have always told my dd, if you learn to deal with these issues, it is a preparation for many things that happen in life.

We have found the same problem. So I don't think its an isolated case. Although in DD's case she seems less bothered by it. I think because she still has a few good friends.

The school is also very good in getting the senior girls to come down and help out with friendships groups.

I think it does help that my DD is an international boarder. So if she is snubbed by the day girls she can retreat to the comfort of the full boarders. Where friendship groups are formed from upper sixth down to year 7.

Although, to be honest we have noticed that DD can be abrasive. Which I don't think the days girls appreciate or understand. Her boarder friends seem to understand her more and are less affected by it.

So I hesitate to say this but maybe your DD needs to also adopt a less challenging position. My DD is slowly and painfully learning this important social skill.

Sorry to hear your going through this aswell

My dd tried to speak to the 'best friend' but this didn't work. Eventually it all came to a head when some of the group were very nasty over a particular issue whilst at school. Another girl witnessed this and went to the HOY (which I've always thought was a fantastic thing for her to do). As, by this time, my dd was crying quite a lot at home, I had also decided to contact the school. Although the school saw the behaviour in terms of 'girls' friendship issues' and there wasn't much that they could do, they did tackle the specific incident.

I remember trying to encourage my dd to find other friends/join clubs at the time. However I realised that in order to do this, she would need to move on and not be so desperate to maintain the friendships - which is something that is very difficult for them to do. In the end, there was a realignment of the friendship groups and everything seemed to calm down - and I am hoping that this continues.

At my dd's school, they change the forms round every year. If the situation. Had continued, I would have asked for my dd to be put with one or two girls that she liked and were kind to her.