Problems settling into school socially

[miggy]

I posted here at the start of term as ds1 has just gone to new school in yr 9 (school starts from yr9)and he was having problems settling in.
Still not great and I went to speak to his house master yesterday. In the meeting I was careful to emphasis that it wasnt necc the school but that DS is unusual in some ways and we needed to try and work round that. I thought we were getting somewhere.
Today had an email from tutor including
"In the meantime, I hope X finds Star (his house) a little more bearable. Sadly, I find him on his own a lot in and out of the House. His mentors and the other boys have tried to encourage him to join in, but he seems to find social situations awkward and uncomfortable."
Well no actually he doesnt, he was fine in social situations at his previous school and is at home, but these boys have been picking on him for being "a Swot" and for refusing to join in when they break the rules and do things like have fights with spray deodorant cans or look at girlie mags (he is 13) -things he would never do in a million years. I asked him why he didnt sit with other boys from his house at lunch (after a previous prompting from this house master) and he said "why would I choose to sit with people that ridicule me"-perfectly valid point really! His "mentor" or dorm guardian is the ringleader of the bullying fgs! which we told the housemaster yesterday!
I feel like they are saying "sorry your son is a weirdo" and putting the onus on us.

I would go straight back and say exactely what you have said here.Either he doesn't know about this behaviour and should because he is the Housemaster,or he knows and is condoning it in which case you need to take the matter further and inform the Head.If this behaviour is endemic in the school andf they can see nothing wrong then i think you have more of a problem but to be honest I would have concerns about the school being the right place if this is the case.

could you suggest that the housemaster talks to his previous housemaster at his prep schol as i think I recall you said he boarded there without problems (so clearly it cannot be that he has a problem with that he has a problem with boarding per se and they cannot claim this)

Alternatively could he move houses ,I know this can be difficult but if he has friends in another house it might just get him away from the unpleasentness and the possibly ineffectual housemaster.

What would you do if you ds asked to leave this school?

Sorry about awful typing,going too quickly!!!

Philly-he does know because I told him on monday when we had a meeting! even told him the boys names!

Crackle-We are considering moving him, have already got an appointment to see another school soon.

Im not sure what he wants to do. He thinks if he wasnt boarding it would be ok (he is only boarding 2 nights-I havent stopped it yet because I wanted to give him time to settle, but have discussed moving him to a day house in a few weeks) But I think he would still be lonely and unstretched academically.
This is horrible to admit but from a financial point of view we need to really consider the implications of moving him. He is on a 50% scholarship there (have now missed out on chance for scholarship at other schools). So would cost us an extra £7-8k per yr. So cant make knee jerk decision really.

You have my sympathies, Miggy. Our ds started Y7 this September and hasn't settled in as well as I'd expected, but it seems to be getting a bit easier now. I was advised on this forum to get him to join lunchtime and after school clubs which has helped. Is this something that might help with your ds? Otherwise, maybe changing him to a day basis rather than boarding might help. Certainly, for my son, he still has days when he's been by himself at lunch and breaktimes, but coming home and seeing his old friends from primary, or his karate friends at the club has helped a lot to just give a balance, in that the people at school are not the only people in the world, iykwim.
I hope he and you start to feel happier soon, but agree with you that changing schools this early is probably not a good idea. Good luck.

If he knows that these boys have been effectively encouraging him to break the rules and have fights with deodarent cans and look at girlie magazines then i think you should speak to the Head.I can't think of any schools that would want it to be publically known that this sort of behaviour is what they consider to be the norm ( and I speak as someone who has a son at a predominantly boys school and who boarded and who had 3 brothers who boarded)I also work at an independent school and know that those sort of slightly cavemen type attitudes are exactely what schools want to play dowm
They obviously want your son as they wouldn't have given him such a generous scholarship otherwise and I can't see the Head wanting to have to explain to his Governors and other parents why a boy with a scholarship had to leave for such reasons.It sounds to me as if the Housemaster is taking the easier option of saying that "this is how boys behave so he has to get used to it" rather than doing what he should be doing and working on the behaviour of the majority effectively he is letting the stronger boys set the standard when he should be setting it himself.
Also you do need to give the school every opportunety to sort things out so I would speak to the Head as you have tried the Housemaster and he is clearly unable to cope with the matter.

Hopefully half term should give your sona nice break ,he sound a super boy who is clearly a lot more mature than some of his contemporaries.It is a credit to you that he is able to spreak to you about all these things.

Just wanted to say, good post, Philly!

Thanks mumbles just trying to help.Incidentally our son started yr 7 last year and I posted about it because he found it difficult to settle was on his own a lot etc.It did take some time but we had a good Head of Year who we spoke to in the end and found things improved as he felt more comfortable ,rather than trying lots of clubs he found one activity,debating,which he liked and seemed to have success with .The Summer term was much better and now yr 8 is ahuge improvement,part of our problem was I think that he just found chage difficult and is much happier now he feels more familiar with things.Not much help I am afraid,also we used to play a game where he had to find three positive things each evening at school (not always easy in the beginning !)but the easier it became the better things were found .A bit of chicken and egg I think.

Sorry should have said about school not at school!

thanks everyone.
Have actually made an arrangement to see another school in a few weeks, when he is still on half term but they have gone back. I have arranged for him to sit in on a few lessons. If nothing else he might see that the grass isnt necc any better on the other side of the fence. If it is then we might bite the bullet and move him.
The joining clubs thing is half the problem. He is a compulsive joiner and will join anything going. There just doesnt seem to be anything to join. He has joined the choir and got a part in a drama production but that seems to be all thats on offer. He has even tried to be proactive, off his own bat he printed out the details and rules,of a national debate competition he won last year and taken it to the drama teacher and asked if they can get a team together and offered to help coach etc if she hasnt got time, nothing seems to be happening there.
Philly-Im so glad you said that about the boys behaviour. I thought maybe it was just me and that is what happens as the housemaster is saying.
They do want him there, they are trying to build a more academic reputation but they dont seem to have the infrastructure in place really.
So annoyed with myself for screwing this up for him.
Glad your sons have settled in now.

I have soooo much sympathy for you and the feeling of having screwed up things for your son. My eldest fervently wishes that he was still at his old school where his younger brother was treated terribly.

We felt so let down on the pastoral side of things that I couldn't trust that school again. My youngest now goes to school with a spring in his step but his brother has an underlying tinge of sadness about him.

I know that he will settle because he already has made some good friends and is a good student. It just breaks my heart that he feels that there was nothing wrong with his old school (in our opinion it was a version of Lord of the Flies there) and he has already asked to return.

Luckily for us, we have great confidence in their new school, it is everything a good school should be but it doesn't stop the incredible feeling of guilt that sometimes overwhelms me.

My husband is good....he remind me that the eldest is literally running into the playground every day. It can't be that awful. But.........

Worrying about your kids schooldays is a form of mental torture. (weak )

It sounds like you are doing everything that you possibly can in a very difficult and complicated situation. I wish you all the best.

Just an update if anyone is interested.
Have been to look at another school today and DS really liked it. He is going for the day tomorrow and if he still likes it, we are just going to bite the bullet and move him, probably next week.
Yikes!
Only just recovered from buying the last lot of uniform and sewing in the flipping name tapes!

Oh I am so glad that you updated. I'll be thinking of your boy and hoping that he finds his niche soon.

My eldest has really settled well over the last few weeks. He brought home an ace report card and was constantly phoned during half-term by new mates.

In the bath tonight, my son was wittering away about his day and the question just popped out of my mouth, 'do you like school?'. He looked at me said, 'of course I do!' as if was crazy.

I'm really hoping for a more supportive atmosphere for your boy. One thing to remember is that he will always know that he was so important to you that you put his happiness first. Even though it meant doing a lot more label sewing.

Thanks Crackle-watch this space. I have got my fingers crossed for tomorrow. DH and I really liked the new place. Having screwed up once we felt we knew which questions we wanted to ask better.
So glad your eldest is settling. Prob wont look back now he has found his feet.
Will have to point the nametape point out to DS, he knows how much I love sewing-not!

Glad to hear that things are taking a positive turn for you, Miggy. All the best for you and ds.

It's a shame that you have to move him, particularly with the 50%, and the fact that the school do seem to be trying to be more academic and less yahoo/immature. i guess they are not tryin hard enough.

Don't be annoyed with yourself, you haven't screwed things up, you are being very 'pro-active' (yechh, horrid word!) on behalf of your boy. Things are going to be fine.

Good luck for next week!

How's it going, Miggy??