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Secondary education

Connect with other parents whose children are starting secondary school on this forum.

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Original poster

Help - moved school but she hates it

25 replies

UnexpectedSchoolOffer · 12/01/2015 10:14

My Dd started our third choice school in September. She had lots of low level bullying but was doing well academically. The school had a bad ofsted.

Unexpectedly a place came up at our first choice school. She started last week. She absolutely hates it. We have had tears every night she has begged me to let her go back to her old school. She is a shy child and struggles to make friends. She has met up with a girl she knows from brownies. They have nothing in common though. She is so lonely.

It is breaking my heart to see her so upset.

Her friend from the old school keeps ringing her to go back as she now has no friends.

Any advice appreciated

OP posts:

Hia3 · 12/01/2015 10:29

We were in the same situation.
My DD was miserable at her new school.
She was only there a week and I knew I had made a mistake.
Everyone thought I was crazy when a week later I moved her back with her friends.
Everyone said wait a term! I think things would have improved,but I actually decided to listen to my child!
She is very happy / settled and I am glad I made the decision quickly.
Good Luck!

admission · 12/01/2015 10:32

The reality is that you might not be able to get back into the school she was at, if it is full, so I would be very cautious of being seen by DD to be accepting this is the right thing to do.
A week is a very short period of time and I would suggest that you give it at last another month before you consider asking whether there is still a place at the original school.

Clavinova · 12/01/2015 10:34

You would be moving her back to "lots of low level bullying" - I think a week is too soon to decide especially if there has been no bullying at the new school.

eightytwenty · 12/01/2015 10:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

UnexpectedSchoolOffer · 12/01/2015 10:49

Thanks everyone.

There are spaces at the old school and they said when she left she would be welcome back.

She keeps in contact with the old friend on skype. She is constantly asking her to go back though.

I have asked her to try until Easter but she is adamant she wants to go back.

The whole family have been encouraging her and saying how proud we are of her for giving it a go.

She didn't seem bothered by the low level bullying. It was things like taking her bag, name calling, taking things out of her pencil case.

She said she would rather go back and have that than nobody to talk to.

OP posts:

Fortysix · 12/01/2015 10:59

My kids have been back a week. It's dark when they leave, the weather is pitiful and they are not yet into the rhythm of school - still struggling to wake up. They are not at their best and not especially chatty. Tell her to hang on in there. Early January isn't the ideal time to judge.

SukieTuesday · 12/01/2015 11:05

You could talk to her form teacher. Ask about clubs or activities that might help her make connections.

longtallsally2 · 12/01/2015 11:10

A friend has just been in this situation and moved back after three days! It can be good to go back - if your dd felt more confident at her old school she may be in a better place to confront or brush off the low level bullying and stand up for herself.

Ofsted is not always important. People do well academically at schools which don't do well at ofsted - do you know what areas ofsted flagged up for improvement?

Her self esteem is important. If moving back is no problem, I would be inclined to ask her to give it two weeks chance to really see if there is something good around the corner at the new school, I would agree to moving her if she is so emotional about it. If you had moved house and she had to settle, fair enough, but she knows that there is a choice.

However, just realised that you haven't said how old she is . . . .

Original poster

UnexpectedSchoolOffer · 12/01/2015 11:20

She is year 7. I haven't met the form tutor but I could ring to speak to her.

I have signed her up for a forthcoming trip and some music lessons hoping this will help.

They all seem in their friendship groups already and don't seem to notice she is there.

OP posts:

MillyMollyMama · 12/01/2015 19:45

The grass is not always greener! If she is unhappy she will not do well at the new school. If the old one has had a poor Ofsted, I cannot see people clamouring at the door to be let in. You seem to have ignored the friendships she had already made and this is why you now have a problem. I would ask if she could go back. Was it really so bad? She also seems to be able to ignore the low level bullying at the previous school but not being included at the new school is also bullying and very isolating. With friends, low level bullying is not so bad because you face it together, not alone.

Waitingonasunnyday · 12/01/2015 21:09

I'd move her back. I was the New Girl every 2 years and I hated it. Worst was being new at high school. I can remember this so so strongly, honestly I'd move her back in a heartbeat.

springrain · 12/01/2015 21:14

I would speak to form tutor and if nec year head, explain she is missing friends at old school and struggling to make friends at new one. The school should want to help resolve this. Ask if they can allocate a couple of buddies to help her settle in, this is fairly normal practice for an in year move in the sort of circumstances you describe. Plus ask her main subject teachers to think about who she is sat with, make sure she is included in lessons when they split into groups etc to help ensure she is actively included, not sat at back of class on own or next to someone ignoring her. Maybe something else has been going on that has meant they have overlooked this. Good luck.

schokolade · 13/01/2015 09:36

If you were to move her back, is there likely to be a problem at the old school due to the move?

Bullying along the lines of "thought you were too good for us" or something?

DarkHeart · 13/01/2015 10:04

Can I just ask why you moved her in the first place and if these reasons are still valid?

Notinaminutenow · 13/01/2015 10:35

Was in a similar situation with DS. Y7 Moved in November from 3rd to 1st preference school.

1 week is not long enough.

There were times when DS wanted the familiar, however damaging that was.

Of course you have to listen to your daughter but you all need to give it a bit longer surely? Why not agree to discuss it again at half term; this gives her time to settle in and you time to speak with her tutor; also gives time for her to start clubs.

You moved her for good reasons presumably? As a previous poster asked, are the reasons still valid?

Notinaminutenow · 13/01/2015 10:46

I would add that low level bullying is miserable. It's demeaning & it eats away at confidence and self esteem and it really should not have to be tolerated. I can't be as accepting of it as some posters.

It has taken years to rebuild my DS's confidence following so called low level bullying at primary. Not there yet but almost.

In my experience it doesn't remain low level...

Not sure I'd be returning my child to that.

What if her one old friend at the old school has to move, for whatever reason?

LaVolcan · 13/01/2015 10:49

Did you ask her whether she wanted to move, or just move because it had been the original first choice?

TeenAndTween · 13/01/2015 11:12

1 week is not nearly enough. many secondary schools have a 2 week timetable, so she hasn't even got through that yet. She needs to give it until half term at least. Contact the tutor to make sure she is buddied up with someone suitable and also pastoral care. Get her to join a club. Friendship groups in y7 can be very fluid.

Original poster

UnexpectedSchoolOffer · 13/01/2015 11:21

She struggles to make friends and only really had one friend. This friend was very fair weather and some days didn't speak to my dd at all. This same friend is now devastated she has left.

The new school on paper is a much better school. All my friends children in other years have done well and love it there.

She made the ultimate decision to move but was apprehensive about it. We agreed she would do until at least Easter.

The new school gets top results and the teachers seem very strict to her. The teachers at the old school seemed more friendly and took any excuse as to why homework wasn't done. New school are very rigid about homework, umiform and behaviour in general.

She can contact the old friend as much as she wants to.

OP posts:

traviata · 13/01/2015 11:38

Friends can still be friends outside school, especially yr 7 and upwards as they become more independent. It has helped my DD a huge amount to have friends who are not at her school, that way she always has an escape route if things get uncomfortable or pressured or she just feels fed up with the school crowd.

Have you made plans for your DD to see this friend, as well as contacting her? If she was a fairweather friend anyway, that friendship sounds far too little to hang DD's choice of school on. They can hang out together at weekends, snapchat & skype or whatever else you allow your DD to do.

it also sounds possible that it's in DD's best interests to widen her friendship group away from the former friend, who may not be there for her anyway.

traviata · 13/01/2015 11:39

Yr 7 often seems strict about uniform etc, then things seem to relax as the children go up the school. Also that kind of strictness can be helpful in cutting out the low level bullying and general messing about that was happening at the old place.

LaVolcan · 13/01/2015 11:45

I do sympathise - I had to move school a lot as a child because my parents moved house. What I wish had happened now was that the various schools had done more to help - not just on the first couple of days, but a few weeks in.

So I would go back to the school and ask them to try to give her more support initially, then if she is still not happy by say Easter, then move her back.

Notinaminutenow · 13/01/2015 11:51

The more you say the less reason I can see for her returning. Especially stuff you say about her fair weather friend.

Your plan to give it till Easter sounds like a good one.

I'd make an appointment to speak to a Tutor for reassurance.

flamingtoaster · 13/01/2015 12:10

I would not move her back to where there was bullying. Speak to the new school and explain how your daughter is feeling - they may be able to take steps to help her feel more involved and positive.

Michaelahpurple · 14/01/2015 09:03

The more you say, the more I think you did the right thing and need to hang in there. A shame her old friend didn't appreciate her more at the time isn't it - it doesn't sound as though she is being very helpful. Perhaps even a bit emotionally manipulative.

Moving in jan year 7 is really tough and it may take until the end of the year to fully settle - I was moved up a year at the same point and it takes time, but do you want her at a school where homework can be dodged for no reason and the culture tends to nastiness? Stricter discipline sounds a much better platform, even if it takes some getting used to.

Agree that school should help a bit- definitely seek to talk to her tutor. Her experience is perfectly normal and the school should be able to help out.

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