Daughter with academic scholarship deliberately not doing well

[Rosetti]

My DD is year 9 started at mixed boarding school in September with an Academic Scholarship. Since she started things have just gone downhill - she is deliberately not doing well or trying. I have heard from her friends that she thinks if she does well she will be seen as swotty by the other children. She has a boyfriend in year 10 who I now find out she sneaks out of prep to see. We also had an issue of self harming which the school said was caused in part by her feeling under pressure. We have no idea what to do - we have left the school to deal with things as requested but the latest set of exam results show her marks going further down - any help or advice really welcome as I'm going crazy and just want to bring her home!! Thanks

Give her achievable targets for end of year and then, if not achieved, withdraw. Ie pass all academic subjects In end of year exams (or all Bs if you think that won't out too much pressure on her). Be supportive and positive, though, once the targets have been set.

Self harm is very common. At my school, it was bulimia and anorexia that were rife, which are alternative forms of self harm.

I do wonder if pp may be right that she's infatuated with this boy?

If the school are n't doing much I would plan to withdraw her TBH. Boarding only works if you have full confidence that the pastoral care is very strong to manage these teenage blips when you are n't there.. I am not talking about pressurising her academically but looking after and monitoring her better.

Boarding schools are very reluctant to acknowledge the seriousness of self-harm/anorexia/bulimia etc and that pupils ought to be removed to an environment where their stressors are removed/lessened. There is a clear conflict of interest between the interests of the pupil and those of the school.

Rosetti - your dd sounds seriously screwed up. Self-harm is far from being normal behaviour. And I utterly fail to see how someone could expect to be believed if they claimed they were happy where they were whilst simultaneously being paranoid about being bullied for being clever and self-harming. She doesn't appear to know what happiness actually is.

"she says she loves boarding and if I sent her to another school she would get expelled in the first week!"

You need to tell her that it doesn't matter how much she loves boarding, the school will take the scholarship away if she doesn't achieve and give it to someone who is. Could you afford for her to stay at that point?

"Boarding schools are very reluctant to a knowledge the serious of self harm/anorexia/bulimia etc"
What utter rubbish. All the boarding schools I've worked in take any form of self harm seriously. It's a very small world so all school nurses I've met at study days etc. from the independent sector take self harm in any shape or form very seriously. Teachers are also concerned. At my school most of our house matrons have done degree modules in pastoral care including all specs of self harm and most of house masters mistresses have also done courses in pastoral care including self harm. I accept that there will be a few schools who are reluctant to acknowledge it but the vast majority take anything like this very seriously.
OP you need to go and talk to your daughters HM ASAP and discuss your concerns about her welfare and her academic progress or lack of it. The school need to put measures in place to help her in both aspects I agree with the comment above about seeing the school counsellor which all boarding schools have these days and you could also approach your health centre and talk to them, she might even benefit from a CAMHS referral if the problem is persisting.
Sadly as said above lots of adolescence self harm but on a positive note and from my own experience many with good support can also stop doing it.
If having done this and you feel her school really isn't interested and she continues to do it then I think you probably will have to consider moving her.

how far away is the school , could she revert to day while you support her?

bring her home and find a nice day school?

Is it a full scholarship or just one of those 10% ones?

schoolnurse - your comments about schools' attitudes to self-harm are precisely my point.

bomsoir I'm not quite sure I understand what your trying to say.

My son has a scholarship to his day school. They review whether he gets to keep it each year.

The point of him being at this particular school was to encourage him to use his brains and to ensure he was in an environment where it was "cool to be clever" and he was happy. If none of these things were happening, I would serioulsly considering withdrawing him regardless of his scholarship.

Dh and I work hard to provide ds with this opportunity, if it was not providing him with anything, there would be no point and he might as well be somewhere else. We have been quite open about this with him and discussed the fact that if either he or us ever feels that it is no longer the right school, we will withdraw him.

I do feel for you though, it sounds like a tough situation.

Self harm is very common? Not in DDs peer group at the local comp!

I hear you river!

I think the 'not trying deliberately' is a defence against failure.
This kid can't cop
I agree with others .You need to pull her out before you have more to worry about than slipping grades.

This is going to sound harsh. You are the parent, you can't abdicate these responsibilities to the school.
You know what you have been told. You don't know the whole picture. There are some red flags here and some amber warning lights.

You need to bridge the communication gap with your daughter and listen to her. To me, there seems to be several interwoven things that are affecting your daughter. Some due to school: academic pressure, perception of looking like a swot - are you really sure? You say that this has come from 'friends'.

Some pressure due to emotions: boyfriend, 'sneaking out' - are you sure your DD is comfortable with this relationship? Is it too much for her? Is she being coerced into behaviours that she is not comfortable with?

I'm no psychologist- but I think that some of her behaviours are cries for help. Take some time out over the Christmas break to get to know her and re-connect with her. Show her unconditional love.
As PPs have said you need to take action or slipping academic grades will be the least of your worries.

I would be very concerned that the school seems to have so little engagement with this. It's a sign of inadequate pastoral care. And although there is meant to be greater independence in arranging their own prep (around activities etc) once in year 9, that should never be licence to go into free fall and no-one seem to notice.

Scholarships are often removed for poor conduct or lack of effort. If she isn't working, and you cannot keep her there without the scholarship, then you may well be faced with a school transfer anyhow.

In your shoes, I would see if I could put in a conditional notice to quit (now, so your liability for fees ends at Easter) and then start a series of conversations with both the school and your DD about what is going on and where you go from here.

And start lining up a new school for her from Easter, because unless remedy can be demonstrated rapidly, it really sounds as if she should not be there.

Is the boyfriend an international student? Is that why she won't leave for an exeat? Can you invite him home with her for a weekend?

I would be really unhappy with this situation even if she says she loves boarding. The self harm does not indicate a settled happy child. It says "I feel stressed/bullied/emotionally abused"