Year 12 and no friends

[Bouncingbeans]

:( DD desperately unhappy at school and wondered if anyone else has had this problem with their DC before?

She never really had a great circle of friends before, but those she had have left to go other schools. There are not many in her year that have stayed on but it is already very cliquey and very established groups (like something out of a film!). There are a few groups that she would not be comfortable in, for example one large mixed group who go out at lunch every day to smoke and another girl group who are loud and boy-mad and she just doesnt feel on their wavelength.

She has tried to join a couple of different circles by sitting with them and trying to engage in conversation but when she goes to the common room sometimes they have gone out for lunch and not included her in the texts to arrange. Nothing nasty or that they dont like her, she thinks, but just they dont see her as part of their group and dont interact with her. She said she feels a real idiot to have this problem at her age, and has taken to sitting on her own now and reading or doing homework, trying to talk to people as they pass etc, but some of the boys have started calling her Billy No Mates so others have noticed.

There arent any clubs or anything she can do at lunchtime, and we live too far from the school for her to come home. I just feel desperately sad for her but she said that its like everyone else has found a group and even if they wanted to make a break they would be scared to be in her position. She is too embarrassed to speak to a teacher but she has one class where she sits on her own and 3 girls sit behind her kind of squashed into a place for 2. Again nothing nasty but they want to sit together which means she is the only one on her own, and the teacher seems fine with the seating arrangement.

She doesnt want to go back half term and I am really worried about what other options we would have this far into the first term. I am trying to be keep her positive and tell her it will probably change soon and she can only carry on as she is but she is so lonely these days it breaks my heart
:(

So sorry to hear this. I think that being 'excluded' by those around you is one of the worst forms of cruelty/bullying ever. It hurts so much - yet can tend to sound so insignificant when voiced aloud..... ie 'they won't let me go to lunch with them all' or 'they don't sit with me in lessons'. My eldest has always looked very grown up and confident for age but is actually desperately shy and finds it so hard to make friends. And the older they get the harder it is for them. Had no friends throughout sixth form. Tried to make a few friends but was only included when they needed a lift to a party as eldest was the only one who had passed driving test! But then not included when lifts were not needed etc. Or the party date would change at the last minute and would have been held the night before and they had forgotten to inform Eldest. At that age they are too old for you to get involved and organise 'play dates'. But it does break your heart as a parent when during holidays not one single text or invite would be received. My heart goes out to your DD as it is just so horrible to feel like the only person in the world to not have any friends to hang out with. For the time being she needs to arm herself with her phone and her kindle/ipad or whatever and just hole up in a comfy place in the common room and entertain herself. She will still feel lonely but maybe not as embarrassed as sitting there just desperately wanting someone to talk to her. Our eldest said the embarrssment of being 'Billy No Mates' was as bad as the loneliness. So did try to 'act' busy and look occupied with texting/ipad/kindle/magazines. Maybe try and join a few clubs to make friends from different circles in and out of school. Our eldest started to see school as just a place to attend lessons. On a happier note Eldest is now at Uni. Loving every minute of it. Got loads of friends. Can't get through a Skype call without constant knocks on dorm door and friends popping heads round door! Is now even the Head of the halls entertainment committee! So it does get better! Hugs to your DD for the time being though. It is such a horrible, horrible feeling when everyone else seems to have friends apart from you.

Thank you so much tickinglists, so lovely to hear a happy ending and glad your DD has met people that are worthy of her friendship at last :)

DD really wants to go to uni, gets good grades etc, and has tried to focus on the end goal and use this time to just get on with her studies. It all just seems so far away. Her school are quite strict on year 13 entry so it may change again next year but it is almost as if she been labelled now and it is so hard to shake that off :( She has no social life at all as not included in school invites even though she knows there are things going on so she is going and her friends from last year seem to just want to go out with their new friends so again she wont push herself with them. I think it is the loneliness that gets to her and why she is now saying she wants to give up. Hopefully the break at halfterm will help her to recharge batteries and go back stronger.

Hi Bouncing. DS1 is in Year 11 so no experience of 6th form yet, but is there any chance of DD transferring to another 6th form?

Maybe drop her tutor a short email saying your DD is struggling with making friends/getting into a group etc. Say she is trying to focus on the good stuff and to utilise her time well but could they just keep an eye on her from a 'well being' stance. The teachers in and around our Eldest were amazingly supportive in the back ground. Very lucky to have the good ones! They said that they had seen it all before and they will see it all again - but they do need to know as they do need to ensure your DD does not spiral downwards. It got to the point where our Eldest did not even want to attend Assembly/Registration as there was no one to sit with/walk in with. His tutor told us to just text him to say that our Eldest was in school. Or told our Eldest to find him at first break to say 'hi..I am here and in school' etc. They did not make an issue out of how isolated our Eldest was feeling - but we did make them aware of it as we were very worried. You hear such horrible stories about older teenagers not being able to cope. Even now when he comes back for holidays from Uni there are no texts/invites from any of his school 'friends'. Makes me angry that human beings can be so cruel to others. If you were treated like that at work you would go and find another job!

Bouncing, I would definitely tell the school. Whilst in general I don't have seating plans at A level if I know someone was struggling socially I would have no hesitation in using one, and I having a different reason for having one. This would allow your dd to get to know someone a lot better for a few weeks, then I would juggle it again so they got to know someone else and hopefully reasonably soon she would be included in everyone's arrangements. (((Hugs)))

Thank you so much, lots of helpful advice here, will keep an eye on her and contact the school if things dont change. She had such big hopes of moving onto sixth form and making new friends, and thought it would be the end of some difficult times when she was younger. She doesnt want to be the centre of anything, just one like-minded friend would be nice :)

It's a shame she hasn't had the chance to make a fresh start in a new sixth form. Are there any colleges offering the same subjects that you could contact regarding a possible move? DS1 is in Year 12 at a sixth form college where there are students from a wide range of different schools and new friendships are still being made. It is much easier to make friends amongst strangers than with people you have known but not connected with, for the last five years.

Is there a library at the school? Where I work there is a large group of volunteers who help with shelving, IT problems etc at lunch and break. It has been the making of some of the boys. I would definitely talk to her tutor and see if there is anything that she can do to help around the school.

Is it an option for her to move?It may seem drastic but this is what I did in year 12, because I wasn't happy.
I second having a word with the tutor. There must be some nice girls who just wouldn't know how to broach the subject of including her.

Does the school run lunchtime clubs for younger pupils that she could help out at? Would also be good for her CV/PS later. Many 6th forms expect the older ones to be involved in helping at school events etc. All ways to keep busy & get to know people. If she does decide to move I would recommend to somewhere where everyone is new (eg 6th form college) or as my dd did, to a boys school that take girls in 6th form

Thank you again to all of you for the thoughtful responses. We had a lovely day out yesterday and she opened up a lot more about how she is feeling and she seemed more cheerful at the end. She has made plans to meet up with some friends from primary school over half term that she sees occasionally. She loves her subjects and her teachers so really doesnt want to start again somewhere else for that reason as when we talked it through properly to consider other options she realised moving is not really what she wants to do. She is going to try and find other things to get involved in at lunch times as she can cope in lessons and give the common room a wide berth as that seems to be where she feels most excluded, so some great advice here in that respect. Fingers crossed things will start to improve. Thanks again everyone.