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Secondary education

Connect with other parents whose children are starting secondary school on this forum.

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Original poster

Teasing at school - y7

20 replies

HouseofEliot · 16/10/2014 22:55

My dd started in y7 this year. She has had some teasing from her group of 'friends' . Some of these are new people and some from people she has been at primary school with. They all live local to each other whereas we live a bus ride away. They are taking her bag and ruining her lunch.

She is shy and can't stick up for herself. Do I:

Try to toughen her up
Leave them to it it will pass
Speak to the parents
Ring the school

She came home starving today as one boy threw her lunch on the floor. These are meant to be her friends. She is worried she will have no friends if she stops hanging around with these.

Thanks

OP posts:

snowmummy · 16/10/2014 22:59

Speak to her from tutor.

Coolas · 16/10/2014 23:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

HouseofEliot · 16/10/2014 23:18

Thanks I will email her now so she has it for the morning. I thought it got easier as they got older.

OP posts:

HibiscusIsland · 16/10/2014 23:37

Yes, I think you've picked the right option of the four. I'd call it bullying rather than just teasing

BackforGood · 17/10/2014 00:00

I too wouldn't call that teasing - it's bullying (and I don't use that word lightly).
You've definitely done the right thing by contacting the school.

Original poster

HouseofEliot · 17/10/2014 07:07

Thank you.

OP posts:

Phaedra11 · 17/10/2014 07:16

There was a phase in year 7 for DS1 when this sort of behaviour was thought amusing by some of his so-called friends. They stopped targeting him once he carried in lunch in disposable large sandwich bags, rather than a packed lunch box, and kept his bag on his shoulder at all times.

Chandon · 17/10/2014 07:53

Address it with the school.

There is no such thing as "toughening up" one's child, I am afraid.

Better to find a way to deal with it that suits her personality.

Interestingly, a similar thing happened to DS friend in y7 this week, and at his school the kids dealt with it themselves by going to the teacher.

The culprit got detention.

Does your DD know who she could talk to within the school?

Does she have any friends who would go with her to speak to teacher/pastoral care person?

Original poster

HouseofEliot · 17/10/2014 08:13

Thanks. I have done her lunch in a bag today. There is a pastoral officer. Her only friends are the ones doing this to her. She is ringing me and texting me at lunchtime telling me what's going on. I sit at home with a mix of tears and wanting to go and smack them all. It's not in her nature to be nasty to people but it's making her a target.

OP posts:

mummytime · 17/10/2014 08:34

Sorry but that is "bullying" not "teasing".
Year 7s often don't have the confidence to call others out on their behaviour, but you need to tell the HOY/pastoral team and ask them what they are going to do. In my experience this kind of thing needs to be jumped on fast and firmly, and then is much better. Are there other people/places she can spend lunchtime with? Can she go to the Library?
If it happens she needs to go and find a teacher.

Original poster

HouseofEliot · 17/10/2014 09:31

No they can either go to the canteen or sit outside. She said the canteen is always full. They aren't allowed inside even if it's raining. They have covered huts in the playground. She can go to the library one day a week. Each year group get an allocated day.

OP posts:

Chandon · 17/10/2014 10:15

agree with mummytime.

Contact the HoY and pastoral care worker and ask them, simply, what they are going to do about it.

It is a shame the pastoral care worker has not made the effort to feel Y7's can approach him/her straightaway, but I guess it is still early days.

Maybe ask how that works, in our school the pastoral care person spends an hour a week with the Y7s (to chat about things like bullying, and other issues), and they have a system whereby kids can leave a little note in her letterbox, and she will come and find them during that same day and have a confidential chat. It is stressed to the Y7's that this can be about anything, no matter how small. The HoY has an open-door policy as well.

School really needs to deal with this promptly.

Good luck!

RaisinBoys · 17/10/2014 10:26

It's bullying. It is not what friends do.

Having one's lunch chucked on the floor and ruined each day is not teasing. It's systematic bullying and you must insist that school jumps on this now to let those children know this behaviour will not be tolerated.

Are there any lunchtime clubs that she is interested in? She can meet others who share her interests and then her reliance on these horriblechildren can hopefully end.

Please insist that the school take this seriously - your DD should not have to put up with this.

Oh and what nonsense that the children can't access the library at lunchtime. It is a refuge for many a child for many reasons.

PastSellByDate · 17/10/2014 13:51

HouseofEliot:

OK first off - I think you and she have to sort out if this is just aimed at her - or if this is happening to others in the groups - so a form of 'rough teasing' that isn't specifically targeted at your DD.

If one day they take your DD's bag and the next they take someone's ruck sack - well it's not particularly kind - but that kind of thing can happen and laughing it off may be the best solution.

Knocking her lunch onto the floor - rather seems intentional. Again - was this rough housing gone wrong?

----

I agree maybe an issue to raise with the form tutor - but I also think you and your DD need to have a heart to heart about this group of 'friends' and whether she really likes them.

I get that being on your own can seem really scary - but there are ways of keeping busy.

First off - has your DD considered joining any lunchtime clubs?

Second - has your DD considered going on to lunch with new classmates from her class just before lunch?

It can be awkward at first - and DD1 found it a bit odd to ask if she could join new people - but now she's continuously asked to join friends for lunch and doesn't feel left out. She's boxing clever and eating with one group one day and another group the next - and trying to build a wide circle of friends.

-------

I'ts a shame the library is not available except one day a week - but perhaps she can go to the 'learning hub/ IT suite' or because of the situation - perhaps her form tutor or Senior Management may see the need to arrange that she get a special pass to use the library more frequently.

She may also be able to volunteer to work at the library - thereby having something to do at lunchtimes.

------

I'm sorry things have turned out like this for your DD. I hope it gets better.

PSBD

Notinaminutenow · 17/10/2014 14:41

The OP They are taking her bag and ruining her lunch...She came home starving today as one boy threw her lunch on the floor

Sorry PastSell but your reponse of "well it's not particularly kind - but that kind of thing can happen and laughing it off may be the best solution" is ludicrous.

Would you laugh it off if someone took your DD's lunch and chucked it on the floor?

I doubt it (having seen your many posts on primary).

Notinaminutenow · 17/10/2014 14:42

response

anger at people telling others to put up with bullying has affected my spelling!

PastSellByDate · 17/10/2014 15:04

Notinaminutenow:

Maybe you're clear that this is just aimed at the one DC- but I'm not.

My DDs group of friends constantly snatch hats or rucksacks off each other and run about for 5 minutes or so laughing and then settle back down. DD2 sometimes does get upset - but it's kind of a form of 'tig' that can get out of hand. I've advised her to just laugh it off when she's tired of chasing people for her hat - they always return it before going back into the school for class. She has adopted this approach - and it has worked.

I do totally get that this could be bullying - what I said was talk to the child and see if this is just aimed at her or is something the group is doing to each other as a whole. (e.g. take a breath - check the facts - before accusing anyone of anything)

I have also said - that if the case is it is bullying - then speak to someone and also see if there aren't solutions for this DC to meet new friends (joining clubs/ volunteering in the library/ etc... at lunch - which also make it possible for her to be busy during lunch times - which seems to be the 'flair up' point.

I don't know all the ends and outs of the situation Not - so was trying to suggest don't leap to any conclusions - find out a bit more - do a few things to help alleviate the situation (joining lunchtime clubs/ volunteering).

I do agree that if this is definitely bullying - than something should be said - and I think I did suggest that perhaps a pass (issued by form tutor/ Senior Management after having reported these incidents) to get this DC away from this group at lunch may be a good solution.

Hope that improves your spelling Not....

Pointlessfan · 17/10/2014 15:14

I quite agree this is bullying and you need to contact school. Please don't call HOY and say ask "what are you going to do about it?" though as others have suggested, as an ex HOY7 I found parents that said things like that rather aggressive. Also if your DD hasn't reported it herself there's a good chance they know nothing about it. Better to phone or email and explain the situation and ask what they can do to help. IME these types of issue can be dealt with quickly in Year 7 but can escalate and drag on through school if not addressed so make sure you keep talking to your daughter and establish a good relationship with school so you can all work together. I hope it gets sorted soon.

RaisinBoys · 17/10/2014 15:35

It seems clear to me Past from the OP that this has been going on for a while and us unwanted, unwelcome and unpleasant. It is bullying and "laughing it off" isn't the answer.

There is a massive difference between the example you give with hats and the systematic ruining of someone's lunch.

It's nasty. It's bullying and it needs sorting soon as. You wouldn't put up with it and laugh it off as an adult. So why should an 11 year old?

The OP's daughter doesn't have to modify her behavioural responses - she's done nothing wrong. It is the bullies who need to change and, assuming they are aware of it, the school needs to give these little sods a huge metaphorical kick up the backside so they alter their horrible behaviour.

MillyMollyMama · 17/10/2014 16:39

Just wondered why the OP's DD considered these people friends. They are not. Therefore trying to find new friends might be high on the agenda. There must be other non bullying children around. Also, is it possible to have a cooked meal? These can be sociable events and less stressful although I do take the point that the OP's DD should not have to modify her routine. I do wonder why the school does not have stronger monitoring of lunchtimes and why no other pupil stands up for this child and tells someone in authority. Is everyone rotten in this school?

One slight thing OP, I just wonder if this really is happening all the time or is your DD trying to get your attention because she is unhappy about something else? It seems odd no-one at all is taking any notice of this in the school. She seems keen to phone/text you, but not get help or report the problem. Why might this be? I would try and delve a bit deeper but I would definitely ask the school to investigate.

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