Year 7 - friendship issue for dd. Sorry really long...

[gleegeek]

We are in the middle of an issue with a primary school friend who has decided that she can't cope with dd anymore They walk to school in a big group, and this girl is the beginning of the walk, so she is gathering up everyone and then marching past our house. DD is distraught and feels it is very unfair.

Background : dd has been friends with this girl since the beginning of Junior School. She is a high maintenance type child and dd has always struggled with her extreme highs and lows of emotion. She is a law unto herself, and will only do what she wants when she wants. The school have expressed concerns about her and her ability to integrate and get involved in activities. When she is in a good mood she is a lot of fun, but she has extremely black moods when she ignores everyone (but is very obvious, stomping round the place etc) Dd has remained loyal to her, inviting her to play, been in the same clubs etc. We have driven her to and from clubs for 4 years.

Anyway, on Monday they had an argument at one of the clubs, which I knew nothing about until the mother contacted me on Tuesday. Apparently this is a long standing grievance, the girl feels dd tries to organise her and shouts at her a bit and no longer wishes to walk with her to school or be driven home from the clubs. During the day, it turns out that her brother collared dd in the school playground, shouted at her, told her to stop bullying his sister and flicked the finger at her.

Dd is distraught She has always steered clear of friendship battles, maintaining neutrality and always just wants everyone to get on. A couple of her friends I trust have told their parents this is unjust and that the other girl is just odd and stirring. Dd tried to make friends again and was ignored.

I don't think dd will necessarily miss this friendship as it has always been so one-sided, but I would be sad if it caused her to lose other friends. She is trying not to talk about it at all with others, so she can't be quoted, and she has told everyone she doesn't want them to feel they have to take sides. She would love them to all walk together and dd and this girl just ignore each other, but apparently they happened to meet up walking yesterday and this girl kept hissing at dd to get away from her.

I am sad and cross that the mother got involved and escalated things. I suspect it would have died down had the girls been left to sort things out... How do I help dd to move forward? I am out of my depth. I can't believe this is happening so soon at secondary

Thanks

We are going through our own Yr 7 friendship issues so I can totally relate to your story. It's agony when your daughter comes home reporting how wronged she has been.

My advice is don't go jumping in there. I know my dd has a few queen bee friends, but I also know that my dd can be stinging when she wants to - she's not an angel either. In a week's time they will be mates again and she'll be asking if her "friend" can come to tea. Then next month they won't be..and so on. The other children notice when one of their group is behaving unfairly and at this age they judge and comment, so it gets sorted in their own way. If she "loses" her other friends because of one girl's unreasonable behaviour then they are not friends worth having.

Be a good listener, but don't jump in. I advise my dd to have a wide group of friends, even within school - she has her friends she catches the bus with, her classmates, her sports team friends, and friends out of school, which are really important levellers when school friendships all get on top of her.

Thanks for answering!

Yes I'm trying to stay out of it, but as the other mother contacted me I am involved although I would rather not be... Also I'm in a book group with this person, so it will be interesting how it affects that later...

I let the other parents know that dd and this girl were having some issues as they all call for each other, but haven't said what has happened/who is to blame etc. I wasn't going to say anything, but one of the other parents thought they needed to know something was going on. Don't know if that was right?

I dread to think what effect all this is having on dd's work. She is a worrier and stresses definitely put her off her stride...

gleegeek:

This sounds awful for your DD and I'm sure at this age seems a 'huge big deal' - but... this kind of thing does happen, and sadly all too frequently with girls.

Defense is your best offence in such situations.

The girl probably is getting a lot of attention complaining about how awful your DD is and showing off (i.e. walking past & blanking your DD or flipping her off) - and is probably enjoying it.

My advice to you & your DD - is stay out of it. Try to simply ignore the situation and work hard to show it is of no concern. Avoid any desire to fight fire with fire.

Going forward you can't have endless rows with a friend with extreme mood swings - it isn't workable. And you trying to deal with it with the other mother may have been o.k. when they were in infant school, but isn't good for secondary school age kids.

I think this may also be the time for your DD to branch out and make new friends at her new secondary school. In our case DD1 has a core group of old primary friends, but is making friends through classes & clubs - as well as walking in with some girls who live on our road. She also maintains friendships with kids from her out of school clubs (swimming/ dance/ etc...). Having a wide circle of friends takes the pressure off if any one friendship is going through a difficult patch.

What I will say is that at some point you do have to decide whether having a friend who you're constantly working hard to please is worth it. That does have to be your DD's decision - but it may well be time to take stock. Maybe not cut the friendship off entirely - but perhaps decide to not be so reliant on it.

In terms of you saying something to other parents - I'd take the line that 'Oh DD & x seem to be going through a rough patch, they're sensible girls I'm sure they'll work it out... and avoid saying anything one way or the other.

HTH

We've currently got a Thing[tm] involving going to/from 'big school' and friendships. It depends so much on the natures of the children involved and the context, but in my scenario I'm now at the 'life is too short' point and just want rid of the problem.

Some of those primary friendships were compromises made in a smaller pond and with more choice at 'big school' the various DDs involved don't need and really want each other's company any more: in Y7 week one they all found each other at lunch-break, but not now. The difficulty is that some of the DD's parents may well see it differently and take offence, but if we have to burn some bridges then sobeit.

The first few months of Year 7 were rough for my daughter friendship wise. I have to say I snapped as I got an email from one of the Mums and she obviously had no idea what was going on, so I hit the roof and let her know - she was expecting my daughter to work on a joint homework project. My daughter lost a friend through this, so at the time I felt awful. To be honest I'm now revealed they are no longer friends - the girl concerned isn't all bad but I don't like a couple of things I've heard about her and wouldn't want my daughter getting caught up in those things.

It is awful to watch this happen. Could your daughter walk to another girls house in the group so she is already there when this girl calls, rather than wait to be called on in the morning? Also, if you believe the others are good friends, then invite them for tea, a sleepover or ask them out if you're going out. My daughter when through a phase where she didn't walk with the others, this happened to another girl in the group, but at least if they see the ones they get on with out of school, they keep in touch.

You can be honest and say you haven't got all the answers, but that you're always there to listen to her and let her know the other girls are always welcome - perhaps she could phone one tonight to arrange something over the next week?

Thanks Past good advice and pretty much what we're doing. Unfortunately where we live everyone seems to know everyone and the clubs dd goes to are mainly made up of people she already knows! Guides was our main hope, but it turns out that the 'new' faces are now at dds secondary school too. Finding 'outside' school friends is my goal though - I think it's vital to have a chance to be yourself with people not involved in the school conflicts. Unfortunately this girl is at two of dd's favourite clubs, so there will be a knock on effect - it's a bit like living in a goldfish bowl at times!

The mother and I have never discussed our daughter's relationship tbh - I've always left dd to just get on with it and thought she was doing an OK job of rising above the issues. I guess I was wrong

Pique if it was just between the two girls, I think dd would be happy to move on. As it's affecting her walk to school then it's very in her face that she is being snubbed. I'm not wanting to get involved, but equally I'm glad that she wants to tell me and ask for advice.

It will all blow over, but it's horrid seeing my gentle caring dd going through this - I guess I should just feel lucky that this is the first time she's had to experience the fallout...

Thanks madmog. Another girl who lives quite a way away from the school is dropped off here and so the girls are walking in together, so thank goodness she isn't alone. Unfortunately she is often a few minutes late, which means the other girls have time to call for the rest of the group on their way. It's just a shame that the group walk which seemed to be going well and providing a good buffer to the stresses of starting at a new school has been upset by the actions of one girl and her mother (who had already arranged that her dd would walk with my dd's friend, before we knew anything of the problem!)

Dd made an open invitation for any of the girls to come and do their homework together and have tea here last night. Two managed to come and they had a lovely time and the situation wasn't discussed at all, so I'm impressed that there wasn't any bitching and hyping of the situation. Long may it last...

Time will just have to work its healing magic