Struggling with school choice (MASSIVE first world problem alert)

[joanofarchitrave]

I can't deal with this choice business. And it's about the least stressful choice you can imagine.

We have two good schools near us - we're very lucky. Both mixed comprehensives. Until quite recently we all thought ds would go to the nearer one (School A), but it never seemed a problem to look at School B as well - i've always felt guilty that we were too lazy to look at any primary schools beyond the one that was 7 minutes' walk away door to door. (DS has been very happy at said primary and is doing well).

Last year the older sister of ds's best friend went to School B. It's likely that his best friend will go there. Suddenly ds said he was going to school B. We have said 'wait until we see the schools'.

We've now seen them. I'd heard really good things about School B but I was deeply unimpressed. [lots of identifying detail cut out]

Then we went to see school A... I am still buzzing. There was almost nothing I didn't like about it [lots more identifying detail cut out].

I'm hoping against hope that ds will simply decide that school A is the one he likes anyway - so far he has said 'school B is more friendly but I like the education at School A more'. I feel like I can't say much because I will ruin things by pushing too hard. Obviously we can just say 'you're going to school A' in the end. I would like not to have to, but are we just being pathetic not making it clear which one we like? We are going to the school A open morning and will talk after that. If you can bear to read this narcissistic drivel, how would you handle the talk?

Which is your nearest school?

School A - cyclable. School B would need a bus.

You are the adult. Put A down as your first choice. Friends change.

you are the adult. You pretend to let him choose, then you decide

ha!

Just say you'll wait and see which one you get and put A down as first choice.

Are you sure you'd fulfil the admissions criteria for both schools? Assuming you would, put them down in the order in which you prefer them. In your shoes, I would listen to ds's views but I wouldn't necessarily surrender the choice to him (especially as even he says school A offers a better education).

Friendships change. DD is no longer friends with the girl she went up with. Pick school A.

It depends what kind of child you have, too. I have one who may struggle with the journey or making new friends.

How does your dS feel about all the things you didn't like at school B? And does he dislike anything about school A?

Do not be swayed by other families' decisions. Do what is best for your child.

Plenty of 'smoke and mirrors' goes on eg folk 'talking down' their actual favourites in public, to put others off and reduce the competition, or to get away from problem kids . For example, how do you know the sister likes school B? That family could be trying to move her to school A.

I'm constantly amazed by the difference in what people say in October and the reality on March 1st.

And yes, friendships can change massively in Y7.

I'm swayed by lots of things - guilt at ds being an only child, the fact that 3 of my dearest friends are primary school friends (we all went to the same secondary as well).

I really don't think the competition is an issue - from our area we will definitely be able to go to school A, and no-one in our area has not been able to go to school B if they want that I know of, and school B is expanding due to an 'outstanding' Ofsted.

But I am (almost) sure that school A is a better fit for ds as a school. Thank you all for posting, I thought i'd get a couple of 'get over yourself' responses and nothing else so cheers

Get him to write lists of advantages and disadvantages of both, then you write lists too and amalgamate the two. Make sure your list is longer than his and able to swing the decision in favour of A in the event of him favouring B.

(but if he can make a really good case for B then be prepared to consider it). Visit both again if need be.

In the end all the 10 and 11 year old boys I know we're heavily swayed by 'nearest' and what time they would need to get up in the morning.

Walkable / cyclable school removes a whole layer of stress.

So talk about early mornings (remind him that most secondary schools start earlier than primary, at 8.30 or even earlier. And also about the education, if he himself has recognised that it looks better. Treat him as a grown up when discussing the importance of the education, and then casually appeal to the child over the getting up times

SHIT. That was appalling. Family round-table. Ds says he wants school B - it's friendlier and the results are about the same. We bring up various pros and cons, start making the case for school A and ds bursts into tears and runs away. Hate myself and the education system right now.

If he feels that strongly, and if the results (taking into account intake etc) are the same, and it is a good school, or even a 'good enough' school) I would let him go to school B.

Can you talk to the best friend's parents about it?

Enjoyment, and 'buy in' are important to a child's success in education, I think.

[clutches cadmium red's ankles in an embarrassingly needy manner]

Absolutely agree with cadmium that buy in is essential and he will do better at a less good schoolthat he really wants to go to than a better one that he doesnt.

However, I am interested in why he burst into tears... Was it that he felt you were pushing him towards A when he really wanted A (in which case you need to step back and probably accept B is the best for him), or was it that he is conflicted himself and his heart wants B when his head wants A (in which case more time may be needed).

Ask him ' if friend was going to school A, would you be wanting school A too?'

School fit is important. Also not being a sheep and letting other people's choices effect yours.

What activities will they still do together if they have different schools?

If they are both good schools let him choose. It's him who has to go there! Only overrule him if there are really good reasons. And (forgive me) it being a school you would have liked to go to is not a good reason!

I had similar - my DDs friends were going to school B - we preferred school A. She would have chosen to go to B. We put A first. I think a lot of her feelings were about leaving her friends, the unknown etc - it was a huge deal. But she did go to our school choice and now loves it completely. She has made new friends who are fab and she has developed huge self confidence, possibly because she has had to get to know people.

Best of luck - I am sure it is stressful for him too but it will calm down. Pos take him to look round in the day?

Frogs' and Figgies questions are good ones.

Also, if school A did not exist, would you be happy with school B?

You could also ask him: if school B did not exist would he be happy with school A?

There are so many unknowns and unforseeables, and unless you are clearly sending your child to an incompetent dangerous dump of a failing school, there is a big gamble involved in any school. Or no gamble involved because the chances are most kids do just fine, whatever school they are in.

Plenty of people are convinced that they MUST have school Z and then when after a few months of their child being in school X they are offered a place in Z, they decline it.

It sounds as if you can't make a BAD choice here, so try not to ramp up the angst.