Experience of all girls secondary schools vs mixed sex for a sensitive girl?

[frozenmad]

We are in the process of choosing a secondary school for DD. Our choices are an all girls school which performs very well academically & a mixed sex school which doesn't perform as well, although still good.

DD has struggled to make friends at primary school because she is a bit different to the other girls. She is very sensitive, kind, shy child who isn't sporty and is academically in the middle. She likes school but still finds the playground a stressful experience and often gets upset as she doesn't have anyone to play with and is never picked as a partner. I've been in to see her teacher many times last year as she had experienced subtle bullying and was/is generally excluded from the groups of girls (parties etc). She doesn't really mix with the boys despite having a brother who is close in age to her whom she gets on very well with.

I'm really struggling to decide which environment will be easier for her to cope with and where she will be happiest. I'm sure she will do well academically at either school as she is a sensible and hard working girl but I am very worried about bullying and her making friends. If she hadn't had such issues with forming friendships I would definitely send her to the all girls school but this is where most of the girls in her current class will go.

I'd really appreciate anyone's experience of sending their sensitive daughter to an all girls school and mixed sex. Will a single sex school give her a bigger pool of like-minded girls to make friends with or is she likely to be excluded as she is is different??

I think I would choose the school that offers the best pastoral care, I don't think that single sexed or mixed is necessarily the best selection criteria.

My elder daughter who is sensitive and was a bit awkward in some ways went to a single sex school and there was fairly subtle bullying which the school were in denial about. My younger daughter who is shy but has very good social skills goes to a mixed school and the teachers are extremely good at dealing with it, if they are aware. They also help children who are unpopular or have difficulty making friends for any reason.

They have a very short lunchbreak - 35 minutes which if your daughter dreads breaktime may be a factor. Perhaps look at schools with lunchtime activities she might like?

I just wonder if it is possible to find a course that might help "bully proof" your daughter or help her improve her social skills? Perhaps you can ask the SENCO at your current school - the Ed Psych service might know. She is not likely to be in a class with all the girls from her current school and perhaps she can make a fresh start.

Agree with HParent that single-sex versus mixed may not be the issue here.
My inclination is that I would prefer a different school to that attended by this group of girls in order to give my child a fresh start at secondary school. If this is not possible then the minimum would be for her to be placed in a different tutor group.
If there's a school bus to the girls school this is a place where there could potentially be a bullying problem.
The playground isn't really where girls hang-out at secondary school. From what my dd tells me they chat in a communal area, go to the library to finish homework or attend clubs.
At primary school the curriculum and extra curricular activities are rather narrow and it can be difficult to find your niche. However your child may be interested in something else that isn't really covered e.g. music, art, computers or cooking so although she's considered average at the moment it may be that she hasn't really found what she's good at yet.
If you would like both your children to attend the same school, there may also be advantages in her attending a mixed school.
HTH

I recommend the all girls school. It's a environment with fewer complications which can be easier to navigate. Has your daughter tried Brownies or Girl Guides to make friends outside of school?

I agree with HP too - look closely at the pastoral care side. Ask about what they can do in the lunchbreak - is there a 'safe haven' if she finds that difficult (even if there isn't, what's the response to this question...).
My dds both go to a girls' school, but neither of them sound like your dd, so their (positive) experiences wouldn't necessarily transfer. I definitely think this is an individual school thing rather than a mixed vs single sex thing though.

Of course, OTOH, if she finds it difficult to mix with boys, is it a good, long term solution to send her to a school that doesn't have them ??? Might this not just store up problems for later ?
One of the reasons I'm very comfortable with my dds going to a girls' school is the fact they both do hobbies where they mix a lot with boys.

Thank you so much for your responses, your comments have really been food for thought.

HPmum - that's very helpful to think of the school which offers the best pastoral care. I was naively thinking it was a bit black and white with all girls vs mixed! It's interesting to hear your daughters experiences. I have asked the head of the girls school about how they deal with bullying & I think she was in a bit of denial about it happening & said its cyber bullying which is more of a problem. Lunch time clubs are a good consideration and I would never have thought of speaking to the schools Senco coordinator at her current school.

Coolas & Ericequotes- my gut feeling is that DD would find an all girl environment more suitable but it's the bullying aspects which really worry me. DD has been to Brownies and now goes to Guides. She seems to get on with everyone but just can't form a solid friendship.

Crazygirl - the all girls school is a 10 min walk from home whereas the mixed sex school is a bus ride away. I would love to think my DD could find her niche at secondary school which would in turn give her more confidence. I do agree with you that a different school to her friends could give her a fresh start.

Backforgood - I'm not too worried about single sex (apart from the bullying) as DD is around quite a few boys (brothers friends & boy cousins) but she currently has no interest in boys as friends. Very good idea about the safe haven question thank you. The mixed sex school has a reputation as being quite nurturing so I'll be interested to hear their response to the safe haven question.

DD is a lovely young girl who is kind, loyal, thoughtful & very perceptive and understanding of the people around her. Attributes which are more important in our friends as we grow older I guess! I really appreciate your advice/experiences as it has made me think of lots more things I should be considering. Thank you!

Children do change in secondary school and friends can be easier to make if it was hard in primary school. Girls' schools don't inevitably mean cliques/bullying - the worst example I saw of that happened to be in a mixed high school. So agree with look at the pastoral care as well. Walking to school also is a plus.