WWYD? Yr 7 not going well so far.

[GooseyLoosey]

Background - Ds is at very academically selective independent school. He has a scholarship and is pretty bright. He is not so good with his peers and can come across as loud and overbearing and was badly bullied in the past as a result. He is however one of the "rugby boys" so he has a tight friendship group and people to play with at break.

The problem is that 3 weeks in to Yr 7, he is really, really unhappy. He does not get on with anyone in his class. He had one friend in it but that friend has another friend of his own who he prefers to sit with and who does not like ds at all. This means that ds ends up working with a child he finds really difficult and who he does not like at all. He cannot work with this child as their personalities clash quite badly.

In addition, he went into the school with his favourite subject being maths. Ds can do pretty advanced maths as he has always enjoyed it but they are not currently setted and won't be until after Christmas. I think he could deal with this, but so far he has had 2 homeworks which require colouring in (and not much else) and is now saying he hates the subject and I am watching him disengage from the whole thing.

Finally, when we were deciding which school to send ds to, the school promised that their intake per year would not exceed 100. It has exceed it by around 25% and that makes the character of the school rather different to the one that I thought he was going to which would be more aware of him as an individual than a larger school.

He was at the junior school associated with the senior school and I was never sure that I liked the feeling of the school overall, but it made him happy so I left well alone. Now he is not happy I feel I should do something. Ds on the otherhand wants me to do nothing at all and just leave him to it. I think this is the right thing in the short term, but how long do I leave it. What should I do? I don't want to walk into school demanding things and saying we are going to leave (which ds would disown me for anyway), but doing nothing seems wrong. I have suggested we could talk to the school about him moving forms but he says that would just make him look weird. Any ideas?

I really feel for you, it's so much harder when they are older and have their own opinions about what you can & cant do.

I think it is still early days but sometimes the longer you leave things the more difficult it can become to sort things out. Is there a pastoral care person at the school that you could talk to without your son knowing. If school are aware of the problem, maybe they can ensure he is paired up with someone else occasionally. They may also be able to help him with the social skills side of things if required, to help him get on with his peers.

With regards to Maths - that sounds dreadful, especially for a 'very academically selective independent school'. At our local comp, they spent the first few couple of weeks testing out where the children were academically and the homework was quite easy for DD. They have now been put in sets and the top maths sets have been told their target is level 7/8 and they are pushing ahead with new area's of maths not covered in primary. If your school are not setting till Christmas, surely they should be differentiating the class work & homework for the more able students.

At this stage I would not go into school threatening to leave etc, more that you have some concerns about how your son is settling in.

I would suggest first point of contact would be his form tutor - they should be the main person helping them to settle in the new school. E-mail him with your concerns, that may be enough. If not request a meeting with him - your DS need not know at this stage.
Also has your DS joined any other clubs apart from rugby? That would be a very good way of meeting others outside of his form (maybe even his year) and give the chance to form new friendships. My DSs school (also selective indy) has loads of different clubs at lunch and after school ranging from lots of different sports, musical, drama, academic (is there a maths club?), chess, art, photography etc.
As far as working with people who aren't friends - I think this is part of growing up. Senior schools are preparing them for the 'real' world - we've all had colleagues at work who we can't stand but have to deal with professionally and productively.

I know where you're coming from. I've had the same problem, battled with it for 2 years but have now caved in and am moving out of her indie into a state Academy and she's really happy, plus her grades have gone up just in anticipation of the move!

If you're otherwise happy with the school then speak to the form tutor or the pastoral person (you can do it without the knowledge of your son if it helps) Express your concerns and I'm sure they will work with you to resolve it. If it then continues, perhaps you'd better consider moving on to a better environment that works for your son. Good luck.

Thanks all.

Ds knows loads of kids - he was at the feeder junior school, so he is not short of people in other classes he knows and likes (although who knows if they like him). It is the class time and work that is the problem.

His form teacher is new and is also the maths teacher. I think she she lacks experience (this is her first FT teaching post) to spot and resolve problems. Ds can do A level maths and is colouring in!

I have encouraged him to join clubs but he seems almost entirely disengaged from the the whole school thing now. I made him join one instrumental group but apart from that, all he wants to do is play rugby.

At junior school they talked about improving his social skills using a social stories programme they had but concluded that ds was too bright for it. The view was that he knows intellectually what he should do but lacks the skills to intuit things. They did not feel there was anything they could teach him that he did not already know - he just fails to apply it at the right time.

It is not just that the boy he has to work with is not his friend, ds finds a lot of his behaviour objectionable. He will contradict the teacher and not work on the allocated task but what he thinks the teacher should have asked them to do. He is always telling ds how clever he is and how ds should therefore do everything his way. Ds cannot deal with this and is opting for the shutting up and withdrawing solution. I can see it happening - it is what happened before when he was bullied.

I can talk to the school but (a) I don't know whether that's appropriate at senior school and (b) what I could ask them to do.

It's entirely appropriate to speak to the school. If you're not happy with his form tutor or feel that there may be a conflict of interest re the maths, tehn go to his head of year. Explain what you have said on here and then ask what they can do to help your DS - it's not for you to suggest what they should do.

Do you not think I might be over-reacting?

Because of past bullying issues, my instinct is to rush in and do something, but I am not sure whether other people would do the same on the same evidence.

wonderingstar01 - I have just realised that you said you moved your daughter from her indy to a state school. Could the indy not help at all? Did they know there were problems?

Her problems were down to a whole different set of issues than you're facing but her way of dealing with it was exactly the same - she isolated herself, became withdrawn, nothing in the school was right, I was discouraged from speaking to her teachers.

One of her main problems was she was the only one of her primary class to go to an independent and all her other friends went to the Academy. Her sense of loss gradually became overwhelming but made worse by her father leaving and her grandad passing away. I've seen a complete transformation in her since the news she'll be moving to be with her friends and feel if that's what it takes to make her feel secure once again then it's worth it. Back to the independent for 6th form I hope

There are two issues here are n't there, firstly not enjoying or fitting in with his class peers and secondly not being given appropriate work. From what you say about the latter, unless this is a one off teacher, this does not sound like an academic school. You could have an initial conversation with the maths teacher about your DS being bored and that may then lead onto to problems working with this classmate. It is possible that the other children don't like working with your DS because his brain is working so much faster they cannot follow rather than of how he is socially.

It's the most academic and selective school in the area - it's why we chose it for him. Ds has seen an Ed Pysch and his view was that in general ds has no idea of the motivations of most of his peers or they of him. His recommendation was to send him to the most selective school we could find so he would fit in better. In the junior school it did help and ds was much happier. But it's not working now. I know it's early days, but last time he was unhappy, we left it for far too long before we intervened and I don't want to do that again.

I don't feel that the school looks at all at the needs of the individual child (but that's a long standing impression). If we moved him, we would have to send him to another city or move ourselves.

Wondering - it's hard just watching them withdraw though isn't it.

I think there is a problem OP and would suggest that you contact the school before it gets bigger. As his form teacher is also his Maths teacher, I would suggest you contact either Head of Year or Head of Maths.
Perhaps the reason they don't set for Maths straight away is because pupils transferring from other schools would be in lower sets and need time to catch up, but this system isn't working for your child (or the other boy either).
At dds comp, with a much larger year group (220 and 9 sets) they placed children in Sets initially based on SATs scores and teacher assessments from primary school and then moved children round after the October half term, when the secondary school had done their own assessments. Not setting until after Christmas seems like a long time imo.
Am not sure if the "colouring in" issue is his interpretation of something that would be age-appropriate for a more average Y7 child or not. There are KS3 topics such as drawing bar charts and pie charts, symmetry and translation of shapes that could fit this description. However since your ds has such high ability even these topics would seem very easy to him and he should be given more advanced (differentiated) work more suited to his ability.

It sounds like he is every independent school's dream - a Rugby playing Maths genius who just wants to get on and work. You might not actually want to carry through on this threat, but he would probably be made very welcome at many boarding schools. However, in the meantime, there will be a Head of Year who should be approached soon with all your issues laid out. I have no doubt the new teacher will also be getting complaints from other parents and it may well form part of a bigger picture. I would also ask for a meeting with the Head of Maths after seeing the Head of Year to get a plan put in place to meet his needs.

This is definitely something the school will want to deal with quickly and they should respond positively to a pupil who WANTS more challenging work and a better working environment. Good Luck.

Thanks Crazy - objective views are good.

They were doing factor trees - reducing very large numbers to their prime factors and the way of illustrating this looks a little like a tree - one number at the top, branching out to more numbers at the bottom. Maths teacher got them to draw a tree around factor tree and colour it in - I cannot believe many Yr 7s would get much from this. Ds says he has not learned one thing in 3 weeks of maths and I absolutely believe him.

The school has an entrance exam with a maths component, so one would imagine that setting them would be easy on the basis of that - as long as you had some fluidity to accommodate children whose exam performance did not reflect their ability.

I think I shall have to talk to someone but I know I will come across as "one of those" parents.

You would think wouldn't you Rose. In fact, one of his teachers advised us several years ago to apply to Eton and Winchester for him. We decided full boarding was not for us, but now I wonder if he wouldn't have been happier if we had gone down that route.

It's not too late . Although Winchester don't do rugby lots of other sport for somebody like him.

Bear in mind too that when they go into Year 7, in a selective school or otherwise, they ease them in very gently. My daughter's school spent the first two terms repeating what they'd done in Years 5 & 6. It's just the teachers' way of reinforcing the basics before stepping it up a gear. Maybe your son just doesn't need that but unfortunately they'll have to work at the speed of the lowest common denominator in the class.

Hi Goosey
I would say that the lesson on factor trees sounds like something that may be OK for students of average ability (i.e. national average) in a state school in Y7. But would be too easy for most pupils in an academically selective school.
In Y7 children should really be working by themselves and not spending too much time chatting during a lesson. From what you have said, it sounds as if the other boy is also finding the work too easy. Chances are you won't be seen as "that parent" if your child is not the only one!

wonderingstar that is not my experience in a year 7 selective, even the first couple of weeks they went at a pace that suits the children, for maths in particular.

I was surprised too. DD in an A stream class of an academic selective and covering Year 5 maths stuff. When I questioned it they said they just wanted to reinforce the basics. I have to say that things rapidly changed when she went into Year 8.

Summer - that's what I expected too. Differentiation from the offset even if no sets. Not sure I really see the point of selection or an Indy if you are going to teach to the lowest common denominator.

Wondering - I take your point but am not sure I want to let ds just work at the pace the teacher is setting. I think if they lose him now, they may not get him back.

Crazy - hope you're right and they don't react badly if I go in. I just get the vibe that the school prefers parents to stay out.