Finding Friends in Year 7

[Fiddlerontheroof]

My dd is 4 weeks in to a new secondary. She's a lovely kid, has Cerebral Palsy and a movement disorder that means she can't write, more than a sentence or two, so she has an LSA in every class to assist her 1-1. She doesn't use a wheelchair. She doesn't have a learning difficulty, and has a good reading age, good ability in school and is in a mainstream class.

She's really really struggling to make friends. It's kind of all come out tonight and she's sobbing. She says the kids in her class think that she's thick, as she has an LSA. She says that she's trying to make friends with them, but they keep ignoring her. She's asked a couple for their instagram names so she can hook up with people online, but they won't share it with her.

She has a couple of friends from her old school, but they do have some learning difficulties, and are therefore in a different class. So she's eating luck alone some days and just on her own, unless she can meet up with her friends from primary.

We are also dealing with year 10's telling her she walks funnily in the corridors, or taking the piss out of her bag. (She has one with wheels on, as she finds it really hard to carry lots of heavy stuff) I have alerted school to this.

She isn't very obviously disabled, which actually doesn't help in this case, as if she was using her wheelchair (Which she only does when we go shopping in town mainly) I don't think they be quite so horrible.

AAAARGH. Am struggling. The school are fab, but obviously I can't phone them every 5 minutes. How can I help her. I'm a secondary qualified teacher too, so I know just how utterly pants it can be.

Thanks. I do know it's early days yet, but she has so much to contend with as it is. :(

lunch not luck!

Didn't want to read and run and don't really have any advice - kids are so horrible sometimes. I'm sure once everyone settles in a bit she will make some friends but it must be heart breaking at the moment. Poor sausage xx

I agree. I did ask her about LSA's and giving her space. And they do seem to encourage alot of peer working together. I think the bottom line is, if they are writing, she needs help. A science experiment, her hands shake too much to be safe. If they do a spelling test, and she is dictating, she has to leave the room. I did think about asking her to do a presentation, but honestly, she is desperate to be like everyone else...hence why my crazy daughter is insisting on managing in school without a wheelchair, and using the stairs instead of the lift much to my horror!

She's ditched the wheelie bag as of tomorrow and has arranged to leave extra stuff in the office if she can't carry it.

Your dd sounds fab!

My PFB has just started at secondary too. She has no obvious special needs and she is complaining about the lack of opportunities to make friends tbh. They are seated girl/boy and have to work with their neighbour, so they are stuck talking to the same people day after day. Dd is going to try joining some school clubs to see if that helps.

Also she is sooo tired with all the homework/independence/fear of detentions that she is regularly close to tears. I wonder if it's similar in your dd's case?

I hope she begins to feel more settled soon. I know my dd would love to get to know your dd if they were in the same school!

Fiddlerontheroof:

I read this earlier and have been dwelling on this. I've no direct experience of disabilities but my girls do go to school with children who are disabled and what I can say is that it has taken time to find 'common ground' but that kids do eventually.

Since your DD doesn't seem to want to be with the friends from her old school (who I guess have learning difficulties), effectively she's starting totally new somewhere. So making friends is going to take time to have shared experiences/ find out you have common interests.

I think you are right to be worried about how hard your DD is trying to be 'normal' - and about how exhausting that may be for her. (not using wheel chair/ not using wheelie bag to carry things/ etc...) I don't think you have to race down to the school - but I do think at some point an opportunity will present itself (maybe parents evening) when you can raise your concerns.

Your DD does need to learn to pace herself - senior school is a marathon and I suspect being overly tired isn't generally good for her health.

I agree with a lot of what gleegeek has said and the suggestion that your DD consider joining some clubs. My DD burst into tears last week too - she's also finding senior school a 'big change' and not always an easy one.

I know it isn't a lot of help but please assure your DD that just like primary school, it takes time to make friends and feel at home there...but it will happen.

Wishing you, and especially your DD, better times.

PSBD

Please do speak to the school. You can call them all the time - they won't mind! Their priority has to be the kids' happiness. It's early days yet and they will have lots of anxious year 7s and parents who do not have the genuine difficulties or your daughter xxx

I echo what Littlesupersparks said, speak to the form tutor, head of year and also to the Senco. DS is in Y8, and there were a lot of false starts friendship wise in Y7. He was the only one to go to his secondary from his primary school, and he didn't know a soul on his first day. DS didn't really have a settled group of friends until the last term of Y7. I think it is the same for all of them, even firm friendships in primary can fall apart under the pressure of secondary school life. DS was a bit of a loner but his form tutor encouraged him to join a couple of lunchtime clubs and friendships gradually evolved from there.

Thanks folks, she's joined the school show..they've got rehearsals twice a week, only downside is that there aren't many year 7's involved...but she's also going to try maths club this week.

Last week was better, we had one melt down over friends....a pretty big one. I'm going to see how this week goes...then email the senco if I'm still concerned. She's been very supportive as it is.

I am trying not to go in, as the entire school moves into a new build at the end of this month...so any access issues will be completly different, and hopefully easier in a gorgeous new building.

Oh and she does want to be with friends from her old school, and she tries to find them at lunchtime, but doesn't always manage it, as she needs help in the dining hall as she can't carry a tray..though she can sit with friends. I did suggest a packed lunch to make that easier....but she doesn't want to at the moment.

Thank you for all advice, I'll perhaps call hoy and find out the clubs too xx

Fiddler:

Just an idea, but could one of her friends help her get her lunch & then she could eat with them. Solves the assistance problem & means she's not on her own?

It just means that a friend goes back to the counter to get her tray after she gets her own (or visa versa).

Really pleased to hear she's joining clubs and glad this past week has gone a little better. I sincerely hope each week will be better than the last and by Christmas she'll be feeling settled and in a nice circle of friends.

I would contact the school. Could you send an email to outline the problems your dd's been having? I think they'd want to know so they could help.

Wouldn't it be easier / better for her in a wheelchair? Struggling to walk, bag she can't carry, having someone carry her tray etc is making her stand out in a way other kids can't understand. Wheelchairs I guess they can relate to easier and her physical difficulties more straightforward. Hope things get better

Form tutor here- do get in touch with school ASAP. They will be able to engineer some buddies for lunchtime and alert her class teachers so they can pair her up with a lovely sympathetic person for activities. We do it all the time!

Tess73 Yes, it would be...

Unfortunately she is 11, and she has decided this, and we have agreed ( OT, Physio etc) that we have to let her get on with it and make her own decisions as to what she wants. She's already muting a wheelchair might be useful, but she has to decide...not me. She's been involved in her care and making her own decisions for a few years now, and I know it's tough...but it's not up to me to tell her to use a wheelchair.

Things have been a bit better this week. Thank you everyone x

Meant to say, I will email form tutor to double check all is ok x

Can she use an iPad to write at all, the lad I was at university with did all his maths on some sort of electric typewriter. He couldn't hold a pen. Didn't stop him passing his maths exams and be failing them. Having CP certainly didn't LDs.

I think a LA hovering all the time will make chattering and being a normal 11y really difficult. DDs dyslexic and she lost the hovering TA very quickly, he drove her mad.

I think finding clubs at lunch time will help and so will a quiet word with her tutor.

I know B/G seating is very popular (goodness knows why, DD2's group just talk louder and turn round as far as I can make out, they don't ever shut up), but for your DD being able to sit with the other girls so they get to talk to her and realise she is the same level of them despite her lack of writing skills might really help.

Me no be

Wishing your DD all the very best. It is not always easy being different, I'm sure she knows this by now, but I hope she settles into her new school and enjoys everything it offers.