Torn about letting DD board

[fortheloveof01]

Bright and articulate DD is desperate to leave her independent school and has spent a lot of time researching alternatives. There's a really good Academy 10 miles away which she might be accepted into (and all her friends from primary attend) but I'm put off by the very large class sizes and the fact they spend an inordinate amount of time doing work at home as they're not able to cover it in class time. That said, their Exam results are impressive.

She has set her heart on a selective state boarding school about an hour away and has researched it to within an inch of her life. She's almost moved in and we haven't even been to look at it yet, never mind been through the minefield of the selection process. We don't even know if they would consider taking her at the start of Year 10.

If we did manage to navigate the selection process and if there was a place, I'm feeling perhaps selfishly clingy as I don't want her to be away from home in the week. It's only ever been the two of us and I'd miss her terribly.

Some of my friends, none of whom have boarding school experience, say it could be the making of her and some just look at me wide-eyed as if to say "seriously?"

How have other people fared in similar circumstances?

I've not got any personal experience of this, but she sounds pretty keen!

Surely the first step would be discussing the possibility of her transferring and if there is any chance, arranging an appt to go to see it.

Visit the boarding school but agree it might be a tricky time to move . Not all of them are as good as one another pastorally or academically. She may find the idea of boarding romantic and reality bite hard at a time when she can least afford to find things hard . When does the boarding school have its main intake , Year 7 or year 9 ? Could you perhaps agree to consider it for 6th form ?

My DS2 has boarded since he was in yr2 he's now in yr 12. I miss him terribly during term time, both my DH and I feel there's a large gap in our lives when he's at school.
On the other hand and from my own extensive experience, that's not hunches or one sided biased research or uninformed prejudices, or anecdotal evidence of DH's or a friends husbands brother experiences 20-30 years ago, my experience is based upon my DS2's experience now and the hundreds and hundreds of other boarding children that Ive met over the last ten years, boarding can be a positive life enhancing experience that will stand a child in good stead all their lives.
I know nothing about state boarding but at my DS's school we get very long holidays, and he doesn't get prep during holidays, he full boards but comes home every third weekend, all plays, concerts etc if which there are loads at least one a week usually more are open to us and of course we can watch all his sporting events. So it's definitely no longer pack them off in September see you at Xmas.

So, before you go any further, what is the selection process for this particular school. I know nothing about them (that I haven't read here) but I had the impression they apply fairly strict criteria for admissions? (In addition to academic selection.)

What are her reasons for wanting this school?

(If it's a good school and she secured a place I'm sure it would be a completely positive experience for both of you.)

cross the bridge of the selection process first, state boarding schools often have much stricter criteria.
Double check the Yr 10 admission because some would say an immediate no based solely on that. Check the class sizes too, they may be nearer the academy than you possibly think.
Take it one step at a time, if no at the moment let her give serious consideration for 6th form.
Why is she wanting to leave her current school? If you are already funding independent, could she transfer to another independent school, possibly witj boarding?

Selection is based on an entrance exam (whatever the year of entry), an interview with the board of governors and an assessment day. For the day pupils - those who live within 1m of the school only - it's an entrance exam. The pupil to teacher ratio per class is 14:1 and they are in the top 100 performing schools in the country.

She just isn't happy in the independent environment. Too much emphasis on the haves and have nots, girls being bitchy, boys being overtly sexual without any consequences. It's not just that. GCSE results were pretty average this year and I have to ask myself what I'm paying for. She believes that if there's a school where she can continue her progress to get good grades, which is better value then we all win.

But, that said, it's really the boarding element I'm not comfortable with.

OP It may be because of the Friday-night wine but I'm reading an awful lot between the lines...

Bright and articulate DD > She's in charge?

It's only ever been the two of us and I'd miss her terribly. > You are half way to being that mother. The one who wants her child to live at home for university?

She just isn't happy in the independent environment. > Again, she's in charge?

I'm still not convinced that a state boarding school really would be happy to take someone with no particular need to be there and whose parent could apparently pay full fees at an independent school.

And if she's unhappy at her current school it's because it doesn't suit her or it's a poor school. It's not because of the fee paying element.

I'm sorry to sound so sceptical. But I distinctly remember what I was like at your DD's age. The social issues you mention at her school would pertain anywhere surely? Why does she think there won't be bitchy girls at the new school. And unless it's single sex there will be free roaming boys - who she has to learn to deal with effectively. And there's just as much have and have not in any state school....

The other pressing issue is (sorry...) she wants to get away, you want to hold her... Boarding simply doesnt work unless both parent and child are completely in tune and happy with the idea. (Then it can be the greatest fun.)

Enquire further...

I think we are moving away from the point a little as I'd like to hear from parents who were hesitant about making the decision to board their teenage children and how it worked out for them.

Thanks.

Zero makes valid points though. I hope someone comes up with the answer you want to hear.

Ok. I have boarded myself ( long ago) and have very recently been in the position of making decisions about boarding school for a child. (Prep and public school.)

Everyone is hesitant about it. Anything else would be unnatural. We re-make the decision every day. If you read the hundreds of boarding school threads here I don't think there's ever been a poster who did not worry about every possible aspect.

This is why I said above that you both have to be enthusiastic and committed not just to the practice but the ethos of boarding. And you do have to do it for the right reasons. It is not simply a matter of "did boarding work for someone else". Boarding intensifies whatever is happening at school. Generally it is the adult who searches out an environment that they think will be ideal for the child - they then investigate it together. I'm curious as to why you didn't initiate the search for a new school if you were disatisfied with the current one.

So far we have been extremely happy. But my experience will be of no use to you because your situation is entirely different.

I'm sorry this is long and probably not the easy answer you require. But it is an answer coming from two generations of experience.

My daughter bonded for 5th and 6th form. Best decisions. She is independent and we are both ready for Uni.

'Fortheloveof the point has already been made in the above posts but IME boarding is almost always a positive experience for the teenage DC as long as you are persuaded that it is the right school for the DC. That is why you need to visit, go through the admission procedure and generally get a feel for it before you both are in a position to reach a decision.
Your DD needs to realise that all the social issues she has now with 'bitchiness' etc may actually be more intense in a boarding environment. On the other hand it may allow her to make some really strong friends.
I think that for a parent the positive experience from boarding is seeing your DC really thrive (with of course some lows) in the right school, not only from the academics but the extras that boarding provides. We have friends with DCs in a very good state school with boarding and the boarding has been a definite plus to the weekday academic package.

You will be much happier about boarding if you feel the individuals schools ethos chimes with yours. No school is perfect, neither is one school right for all, so you need to feel comfortable there. We looked at three schools for DS all famous super selectives, one was so very us but a nightmare journey, another one, world famous, was simply to perfect for my taste, to much of a brand, although it's enormously over subscribed and friends with DS's love it I just didn't just feel comfortable there, and then my DS's school, its not perfect of course, and it does some odd things at times, it has lots of eccentricities, but what we really like, intellectual rigour aside, is that as a friend said "you can't see what your buying into", we feel comfortable there, we like it quirks and all. It's then so much easier to let them go.
Staff are also key. You have to absolutely believe in your house master/mistress, we were lucky we could choose ours and he's done and been everything that we hoped he would do and be when we first met him 8 years ago. This also gives you the confidence to let them go.

Thank you to those who gave very constructive comments. You've given me more of an idea of what I need to be looking for and also some of the potential pitfalls which perhaps I hadn't considered, never having had experience of boarding before. Even if we were to be offered a place (slim) we'll clearly need to spend a good amount of time becoming familiar with the environment and the people who effectively become her weekday parents.