DD in floods of tears, I think she's doing too much

[donastcolombe]

Struggling to work out how to help her really :( DD has just started senior sixth, doing 4 A levels and an extended project, applying for vocational school for next year and also for a more 'traditional' course via UCAS as a backup. She is a member of a theatre group and a drama school outside of school and commits a lot of hours to another hobby. DH and I were concerned from the start that 4 A levels with an extended project would be too much on top of everything else DD does, we were reassured by her school that she was more than capable. Neither of us went to university, so didn't feel we were able to judge any better.

She had a half week the first week of school and seemed perfectly happy, then last week she had a few sobbing meltdowns, insisted she wasn't good enough and she was going to fail at everything, nothing she does is good enough. This is coming off 5 As at AS level, some at above 90%, and being told by her the director of her theatre group she was good enough to consider vocational training. There are no issues at school that I know of, her teachers are all happy that she's making good progress.

I think she's doing too much and even if she's coping now that might not be the case in 6 months time. I'm struggling to see why she needs 4 A levels when as I understand it universities will only make her an offer based on 3 anyway, but DD insists she doesn't want to drop anything and gets more upset at the suggestion. It all came to a head again tonight- she has a test this Friday on what they've covered of the A2 course so far and is in a complete panic about it then calmed down about that but had another sobbing outburst later on and couldn't explain why she was upset sad Not normal behaviour for her at all.

On one hand she's 17 and if she does cut down on the amount she's doing it has to be her decision, assuming that's the problem. On the other hand I don't think I can take a year of this!

That really sounds like too much, and she's clearly not coping. Something has to give. If she's utterly committed to the A levels (and 4 does sound like overkill), then she has to cut down on time spent on her hobbies.

She is clearly very talented and demands a lot from herself, but it really doesn't sound healthy. I would talk to her sixth form tutor honestly, because she is probably more likely to listen to that advice. She may be trying to keep up a capable front to everyone, but it's clearly overwhelming her. Added to that the start of upper sixth is a bit of a nerve racking time, I think.

You need a constructive plan, with support from school, that allows her to work out what to do and how to parcel out her time. Really, if she's strung out now, that's not going to get better as the year progresses.

If by vocational school you mean a drama college, why on earth would she need that many A Levels, given they are mostly "audition and 2 Es to secure the funding"? And for her backup UCAS application, why does she need that many A Levels for anything this side of medicine at a `name' med school?

I fear this may be DD1 next year. :(

It could be all the effort of application forms with personal statements that has tipped the coping balance for her. Has she completed all that?
The obvious academic to drop would be the EPQ but she may have done most of the work for it.
Maybe with all that she is doing she should apply post A levels and take a year out or alternatively concentrate on the auditions for vocational training this year and postpone university applications if needed to post A level.

What does she want to do when she leaves...? I wonder if a chat with the careers advisor at school would help her clarify what's important and what's not.
I agree with the poster ^^ who asked if 4 A levels were necessary if she was going to maybe follow this with drama college.

DS went off wearing his business attire to start sixth form and discovered last week that it's a tad harder than he'd anticipated. Cue melt down last weekend.

Upper sixth is incredibly hard work and your DD seems to be doing more than average. Some kids do 4 A levels, some do the extended project and some do drama groups, dance school or music college on Saturdays - but very few do all of those.

Depending on which more 'traditional' subject and location shes applying for through UCAS, im not sure that shes making good choices to keep going with everything.

How academically competitive are her UCAS choices? Because if its, say, English at Birmingham or Nottingham, i'd be dropping the extended project. Diiferent considerations if its Oxbridge of course. But then providing the subject choices for A2s are solid, id be for dropping an A2.

But this is your DD and she knows if this is just an early blip - she may want to push on til half term and see how she feels then. But bear in mind that if she declares on her UCAS form that shes studying something,then changes mid year, she has to let the unis that have made her an offer know that shes made a change, even if its not in a subject they require.

Similar situation here but just in the last week our sixth former has moved from 4 to 3 subjects even though he thinks that's a bit of a failure on his part not being able to cope. Meltdown was prompted by a really low homework score and low mood every night at feeling he wasn't on top of things.

We've sat him down and explained that 3 subjects with all the extra curricular stuff, the volunteering and the Saturday job is a huge amount of work and that it's totally on track for what he wants to do.

We went through his daily timetable hour by hour looking at travel time / out of school commitments / study time etc and with a bit of tweaking and the offer of a lift it's all much more do-able. He even has Sunday mornings totally free just to chill and lie in bed. Something about having a free morning has helped him bounce back.

He's also aware how he will cut back on the out of school stuff when he needs to find more time to study and we've encouraged him to tell his boss/ supervisor now so they expect his hours to reduce (and they do already I'm sure).

Do any unis make an offer based on 4 A levels? I haven't seen any myself?

so if she drops it once she has got an offer it won't matter? Or am I missing something?

Do any unis make an offer based on 4 A levels?

If you offer four A Levels, some might make an offer based on them. It's incredibly rare, though. Doing 4 A Levels (other than when one of them is further maths) is one of those things that obsesses a small number of schools, who lie shade the truth to pupils to get them to do it, because it under some circumstances makes their league table results better.

As the vast majority of schools only offer three, and the current funding arrangements mean that a school that offers more doesn't get money for it, a university which demanded four A levels for admission to a course would be kissing its fair access and widening participation credentials goodbye.

Absolutely agree she has to drop an A level. She risks buggering up all four is she carries on as is, or she buggers up her drama.

Too much! I'd get her to think really carefully about how necessary 4 are- I missed an Oxbridge offer because I stupidly carried on with 4 A2s even though I wasn't really coping. I just got to the stage where it seemed like I'd gone too far to drop one.

donastcolombe:

I agree that she could be spread a bit thin - but this is very early in the school year (only the 2nd full week of school - here at least) - so I wonder if part of this isn't that she's feeling a bit anxious about what next.

I think one of the messages to get through is that it doesn't have to be perfect - it just has to be 'enough' to meet the requirements for her various future options (vocational/ uni). So she needs to be pragmatic - there's no point killing herself for that A* if a B will suffice. I'm not saying she shouldn't try her best - but she needed 'over do it' or get unnecessarily stressed out.

Being active and involved on a lot of things is useful - for references/ for personal statements in applications - and if it is a release from all the A-Level work - and she doesn't want to give that up - then don't fight that

but....

regular bed times (ensuring at least 7 hours sleep/ 8 preferably).

routine - putting in time regularly on projects work over a long period - rather than a panic at the end.

prioritising - this is quite an art - but it's important to teach her to determine what is urgent/ not so urgent/ least urgent or not an issue - and learn to focus on the urgent first, get that out of the way and move onto the not-so-urgent and then, last but not least - the not an issue/ least urgent work. It may seem obvious to you - but your DD may be prioritising by liking the project/ class/ teacher rather than what is due first/ examined first.

Finally - there is a certain mass hysteria come exams time. Kids kind of vibrate off each other. But generally in life being calm, knowing your stuff and being prepared gets you places - my advice to your budding actress is post her a question: who would she choose if she were a director and had to chose between the clam/ prepared/ hard working actress and the stressed out/ over-stretched/ weepy actress?

HTH

Thanks everyone, you've been really helpful. I spoke to her head of year today and she's agreed as of next week DD can use Wednesday sports afternoon as study time on the basis that she gets enough exercise out of school. So that's bought her an extra two hours. They've also agreed she can come in late on a Friday when she doesn't have lessons until after break (normally at her school they can go home early but have to be in at normal time even if no lessons until later) which I think will make a huge difference actually. No progress with persuading her to give up a subject though but I have managed to talk her into having a serious talk with the teacher of subject 4 about it, the issue is that DD is the only one taking that subject to A level so doesn't want to let the teacher down. But that would be the one she'd drop. And the more I think about it the more I think she really does need to drop one.

She's definitely not getting enough sleep at the moment, which can't be helping :( Freeing up Sunday mornings would probably help too so she had a day completely off, but I don't think she'd be willing to give up the dance class she does on Sundays without a fight. She's hoping to have her UCAS sent off by half term so if anything is going to go subject wise it needs to go before then really. Personal statement is done now though, UCAS is filled in as much as she can without her teacher reference and her extended project is over halfway through now, so I am hoping once things quieten down a bit she might feel less stressed.

Past the irony is DD tends to be pretty calm about exams once they come round- but completely stressed and over-panicky in the build up! This is the worst I've ever seen her though.

dona

Sounds like your handling it sensibly and hopefully as you said it's more the build-up to the exams (maybe UCAS application deadline) that is the cause.

Don't really know what to advise - except to keep going as you are - you're clearly keeping a watchful eye and trying to support your DD.

Best of luck to you & your DD.

Your poor dd. I agree with everyone else , she needs to drop a subject.

My dd is at vocational lower school & their 6th formers only get to do 2 A levels alongside a drama or dance diploma. Your dd only needs 3. It sounds like she is putting lots of pressure on herself.

If she goes to a fairly academic school they won't understand the process of applying to vocational college. They will see a bright student & be wanting to push them for the maximum number of A levels.

Saying that her academics are important & the industry needs thinking, intelligent performers (dh teaches at MT college & is surprised by the low academic standards of some students) but I really think it all sounds too much for her.