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Secondary education

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Original poster

how do I help ds next week?

29 replies

inthename · 13/09/2014 21:03

I'll try to explain, but apologies if the detail is a bit vague.
I had a note from one of the senior staff at ds school. There had been an 'incident' but the school are dealing with it, please reassure ds that its being taken seriously etc etc and the whole year group had lost their free time and had been told their behaviour was unacceptable. The teacher was informing me as ds was the 'victim' in case he talked about it at home (sorry, can't give any more detail than that)
Anyway, ds now tells me that the whole year group except him has been put in detention until someone comes forward.
How can I help ds 'stand tall' next week because I would imagine the atmosphere is going to be pretty awful!

OP posts:
PastSellByDate · 14/09/2014 05:59

inthename:

My Y7 DD1 and her friends were involved in an incident - classic older child picking on youngest, smallest child. Fortunately, it was a very public incident. Unfortunately it had a racist dimension. So in our case everyone knew who did it - so only the older pupil is being punished but same principles apply:

Your son is the victim here - he didn't ask to get involved in this situation - it just happened to him.

I don't know - but I'm presuming your son doesn't know who did this to him - and nobody has admitted to it - so the school are in a difficult position. It may seem Draconian to punish the entire school - but it's saying several things:

the behaviour/ incident is unacceptable
there will always be repurcusions for this kind of behavior
picking on new students isn't fair

My advice is encourage your DS to remember that if anyone 'thanks' him for their detention - he should simply remind them it's not down to him.

Don't get into a fight or anything - just remember that whoever did this knows who they are - they were brave enough to pick on your son or set up a prank on a new student - why aren't they brave enough to come forward now?

As a parent - you should be signalling to other parents/ children/ school your disquiet that nobody feels safe enough at the school to come forward and indicate who did this and the kids responsible aren't taking responsibility for the incident (which may simply have backfired/ had unintended consequences).

Acolyte · 14/09/2014 06:16

Your poor boy, what an awful position to be in.
I suspect he 'told', rather than somebody seeing what went on, if so, reassure him he did the right thing, because he certainly did.
I hope somebody in the year group has a sense of injustice and either let's the staff know who did it, or persuades the perpetrator to come forward.
How is ds, is he dreading school? How hashe reacted to the incident?

Original poster
inthename · 14/09/2014 07:35

Thanks. They are all in their final year of prep school, so its not a new student thing (sorry again for vagueness)
My ds seems ok, seems confident that the staff know what they are doing. He wasn't the one who reported it.
I just hope as you say that someone comes forward. ds is treated as an outsider by a lot of them but has made his own friends.
When anything has happened before they seemed to close ranks and refuse to speak to him and we started getting things like his pencil case or a school book would go missing - with ds being told he was disorganised.
According to the senior staff member this incident is being treated as extremely serious.
Do I need to go and speak to the school about how they intend to deal with the week teaching when they do things like refuse to work in a group with him etc.

OP posts:
NickiFury · 14/09/2014 08:50

I would be wanting a bit more information tbh and yes I would certainly be arranging a meeting to discuss the way forward. What an intolerable situation for your poor ds.

Goldmandra · 14/09/2014 08:57

Do I need to go and speak to the school about how they intend to deal with the week teaching when they do things like refuse to work in a group with him etc.

Yes. You need to talk to them about how you and the school can support him next week.

You also need to know what they are planning to do to support your DS's friendships in general. It isn't OK to simply react when he is the victim in an incident. They should be putting positive measures in place to help him build a circle of friends.

Hakluyt · 14/09/2014 08:57

I'm a bit puzzled- do you know more and you're not wanting (understandably) to put the details on here, or is that all the school told you? Because if it's the latter, I would be demanding to know all the details.

If it's the former, I would want to know exactly what the school intends to do to look after your son, and to make sure nothing like this ever happens again- you imply that it has before......

halamadrid · 14/09/2014 11:03

The school should have spoken to you personally and not via a note. Also, it looks like he has been bullied for a while so why wasn't something done before it escalated?

Original poster
inthename · 14/09/2014 13:59

I have more information but can't put the detail on here.
Previously its been name calling or making rude remarks about ds family, trying to trip him up etc (always at the beginning or end of term) normally the same 2 children, so previously the senior teacher would have a word in their ear and the obvious stuff would stop and go 'low level' (as I say bag being moved etc).
One of these boys unfortunately seems to have to have someone to bully and rotates through the whole class at various levels of bullying. He also doesn't behave well in class, to the point he's had detentions, warnings, suspensions, you name it.
I don't know if this boy is involved this time, and I'm not thinking that he has, he strikes me as being a very unhappy child if he is so keen to be out of school - he had been suspended for a day earlier in the week for something completely unrelated to my ds.
For some reason, the school are fond of saying this other child is on a final warning but then back tracking. This childs mother is very much 'in charge' of the friendship groups outside of school (if that makes any sense) which seems to mean other parents accept what her child does to theirs and there is definitely an element of this child getting others to do bullying things, which seem to also be tolerated so that the other children and mothers can 'stay in wirh the group' Ds is fine friendship wise, has made a strong group of friends who arent in his year group, prefers helping out and putting others first. His friends mums don't care who is supposedly in charge!
I'm make an appointment tomorrow. Hes at that funny age where mums are embarrassing so wanted to tred carefully, but equally don't want him having to watch his own back without help.

OP posts:
PastSellByDate · 14/09/2014 16:13

I think you're right to speak to the school & sorry to have misunderstood - I just assumed your DS was new to the school or Y7.

This genuinely sounds more complicated than my first impression - and it strikes me that there's a sort of social dimension to this (an 'in crowd' thing where there's one rule for their kid and another for yours).

I'm not sure what to advise - given you're saying this has been going on for some time & the school are aware of it I think if you are going ahead with the meeting with the school - just simply ask them what their advice is in this situation.

The escalation of bullying is of concern - so they do rather need to explain what risk buffering strategy they are putting in place to safeguard your son.

HTH

Original poster
inthename · 14/09/2014 17:20

Thanks again ... yes will definitely be asking, they've always acted swiftly before which I suspect is why its stayed low level and they've moved on to others. Really appeciate the advice.

OP posts:
Original poster
inthename · 16/09/2014 07:31

yesterday was awful.
The whole group has ostracised him and are making comments behind his back and to his face. The teacher who was supposed to be dealing with it seems to have gone down some odd 'it was just boyish pranks' while another says 'it was extremely serious' (totally mixed messages)
Ds came out of school yesterday, past 4 boys all sniggering and openly making remarks in front of teachers (mght sound odd but because of type of school very few take themselves home)
I walked up to this group and asked them if they had something they wished to say as they obviously had opinons about ds and then asked the teacher to speak to them. She made them apologise, but ds thinks I've made everything worse. I asked him how he's feeling and he said he's just learning to put up with it as nobody does anything. Surely this can't be right or is it really that impossible for teachers to deal with a group this size 'ganging up' on mine?

OP posts:
Hakluyt · 16/09/2014 07:45

Is there any reason why he is still at this ghastly school?

Original poster
inthename · 16/09/2014 07:50

Its his final year/exam year so not possible to move now.

OP posts:
LIZS · 16/09/2014 07:51

Don't speak to the boys directly , insist that the staff clamp down on any sniggering. They have set this whole situation up and he is the victim of the boys and now staff bullying by their turn in a blind eye. Meet with head and discuss their antibullying policy but I fear you are not going to achieve much. Agree with Hakluyt. Honestly this school has sounded rubbish and unsupportive for a while, can you look into transferring him now ?

LIZS · 16/09/2014 07:52

It is possible to move now - any school with a 11+/12+ intake or a prep/senior with 13+ transfer could accommodate him.

Original poster
inthename · 16/09/2014 07:56

Unfortunately not an option as ds is bursary/scholarship funded. It probably sounds worse written down to be honest (our wonderful written language!)
Meeting with head this morning.

OP posts:
LIZS · 16/09/2014 08:00

State schools ? The head is unlikely to do much tbh, the damage has been done. If he agrees you are at the end of the road he may , however , help you find an alternative.

Boysandme · 16/09/2014 08:02

Sounds awful OP.

You know what happened, I assume you also judge it as 'extremely serious'?

Good luck with your meeting with head today. DS is obviously your priority, so just do whatever is best for him.

LIZS · 16/09/2014 08:08

Does ds know who the ringleaders were ? I'd hazard a guess that they wouldn't be difficult to identify and that even the head knows but perhaps can't prove it. Waiting for 12/13 y olds to "own up" is futile. ime they are often the "golden children" of the school - the elite sporty or "personalities" who are moving on to higher profile secondaries, therefore are most likely to get away without serious punishment anyway. Good luck with your meeting.

Hakluyt · 16/09/2014 08:30

"It probably sounds worse written down to be honest (our wonderful written language!)"

Whatever you do, don't go into the meeting with that attitude- they will minimise it and walk all over you and you will come out agreeing that it's just "boys will be boys" and your ds is being oversensitive. They are very good at that.

Moving is always possible.

Original poster
inthename · 16/09/2014 08:52

Thanks - no I'm not going into the meeting like that (just concious that writing things on mumsnet doesn't portray the whole picture iykwim)

Liz - I too think they know exactly who did it, though in this case they are definitely not the elite (boy mentioned above plus assorted others who spend much of their time in detention for one thing or another)
Absolutely agree that moving is always possible, but don't think we should be the ones moving!

OP posts:
Goldmandra · 16/09/2014 09:33

Absolutely agree that moving is always possible, but don't think we should be the ones moving!

Then say that to the Head Teacher. Ask if the only solution to this situation is to move your child because they cannot safeguard him while he is in their care. He will have to be very careful how he answers.

Move on to questions about how, not if, they are going to deal with this situation swiftly and effectively.

You should not have needed to prompt the teachers to stamp on this bullying. They should have been aware that it was a possibility and vigilant enough to nip it in the bud. I'm disgusted that you had to intervene in order to make them do their jobs.

There needs to be a complete change of ethos in this school and I doubt that you're going to make it happen in time for your DS to survive the year with his well-being intact. Please do look at the options so that you have him settled in a decent school in good time for GCSEs.

Boysandme · 16/09/2014 18:18

How did the meeting with the head go OP?

Original poster
inthename · 16/09/2014 20:05

Taken out of my hands as something else has happened, not involving my ds at all.

OP posts:
summerends · 16/09/2014 20:34

Just caught up with this, my sympathy for you and your DS. Hopefully from your last post your DS is in a better situation now?