Making friends in year 7

[TooBusyByHalf]

DD1 has gone to a new school - 2 weeks in already. She knew one other starter, but not a friend. There are 200 kids in her year. Everyone else seems to have a gang already. 120 of them came from 2 local schools so they were sorted to start with. Most of the rest seem to have transferred with a least a few school friends, or perhaps are just good at making friends. DD1 is very stoical most of the time, but they just had to put themselves in groups of 6 for a residential trip at the end of the month which obviously was really hard. The one girl I thought she had made friends with wasn't sure apparently whether there was space in her 6 for DD1. It sounds frightful and a stupid way of doing it IMO. She is in a different class for almost every subject so there is no easy group to become part of. Anyway, any tips for helping her though it?

Year 7 is tough for many. Even though others look as if they have 'friends' it may not be the case. My eldest DS spent the first term of Year 7 in the school library and read an incredible number of books, but was very shy and didn't make any friends.

Later in the year, he found it easier, especially after they had all gone on an outward bound course.

Has your DD any interests that she could join a club for? I'd suggest she tries as many different clubs/activities, especially at lunchtime.

I tried to keep things low key with my DS about it, as for him, if I asked - it seemed like I was putting pressure on him to make friends.

Thanks isitsnowing. She has joined netball club, and is trying to find out about lunchtime clubs. Being on her own in the queue and dinner hall is hard too I know. I think she's made friends with the librarian too! I think the trip is supposed to help and may do as you say it did for your DS but its not off to a good start if kids are being pushed out of friendship groups before they even get there. Why don't they just ask every kid to write 3 names on a piece of paper and promise to put every kid with a least one of their names? Then everyone is in the same boat - at least person they know in the room, and some new faces too.

That line between asking / showing you care and are interested and not pushing pressure on is a hard one to get right too.

I personally think it is bad on the school's part to have allowed the year group to choose their own groups at this stage. Surely the purpose of the trip is for bonding purposes. I realise there is nothing you can do about it now. The good thing is your DD will end up in a room with some other girls, and by the trip is likely to have made some close bonds.

Yes, I hope so, bryte.

Anything else she should be doing to make friends other than joining clubs? I think overcoming shyness is a problem at school, though you'd never know it at home.

Does she go to any out of school activities where she could meet people who go to the same school as her?

I think my dd will be in this boat when our time comes for secondary (year 6 now). She's really popular at primary but a bit 'other' and often separates herself from groups of girls as they don't like the things she likes. It took her nearly 18 months of starting primary to start making friends.

I'm hoping she'll go to a certain school in y7 that most of her friends will not go to - purely because I like the school more. The only thing that makes me uneasy is the friendship thing and settling in will be one of the main questions I will be asking.

I've heard it takes a good 6 months before things settle in y7, it may not look like it now but friendships will be pretty fluid. In my experience talking to friends and relatives with older girls nearly all of them have said that the friends they went onto secondary school with initially didn't end up being their close friends about 1 year in.

I think it's very early days for your dd. All she can do is be friendly, open and herself - people will soon seek her out xxx

Thanks Harry. Your dd sounds like mine. Her BF just moved to the other end of the country which is unsettling too, and most of the rest of her group went on to another school together. So we feel guilty cos we moved here which is why she is too far from the school her remaining friends go to to get in.

Middleaged - she does a sport 3 or 4 times a week, and knows a couple of kids from her school there but they are in year 8. In fact from various sources she knows about 8 year 8s but only 2 year 7s.

The fact she is in different groups for each lesson is good. The school do this to ensure that dc get mixed up and that those coming up together from Primary school aren't always already in a group, leaving others a bit on the outside.

The way they have done the trip sounds bad, but I'm sure she will develop friendships soon - try not to make a 'thing' of it.
I have 3 dc who have gone up to secondary, and all made friends with people they didn't know from before - it comes from being mixed up for different things. Friendships can be quite fluid in Yr7.

My dd has just completed a week and a bit at her new high school. She only knows two people there Both good fiends from primary school. I wasn't worried about her making friends as she's a sociable girl. BUT things have not worked out. Her old friends have made new friends but my dd said these new girls make her feel like a nobody and like she can't be herself. They look down in her. Because if this, she's taken to reading her books all the time. She's Come home crying saying she feels sick at the thought if going to school. I'm beside myself as I suffer from anxiety and I can't bare the thought if her on her Own at school. I've remained calm when she's telling me her problems and I've tried to give her good advice etc but it's breaking my heart! Any success stories going on to help me along the way?

I am another in the same position. DD had a group of lovely friends at Primary but they have all gone to different schools and DD is the only one from her Primary at this secondary. She met a group of girls on transition day but she was off sick last week (probably stress related) and when she went back they had moved on.
It's so sad as she was so happy at primary, loved school and learning. I am sure she will settle in and make friends but it is hard to watch her going through this.

My ds has gone to a secondary school 5 miles away with nobody at all from his primary.
He also has aspergers so can struggle in social situations.
It took him a long time to form solid friendships in primary school.

He attended a two week transition camp at the beginning of the summer holiday which helped massively but I was still dreading him starting.

He was placed in a form with none of his summer camp friends but his head of year assured me that they could move him if he was very unsettled.
I've not thought about it since, ds has made some friends and is happy and settled (for now! )and brought a new friend home last week which was lovely to see.

He is also mentioning different names from different lessons and weirdly his closest friend also happens to have aspergers too.

I think from speaking to others who've been through it as a parent, it takes until October half term to settle in, make friends and officially feel like part of the school community as opposed to being " the new year seven kids"
I'm sure your dd will be driving you mad in a few months, wanting her new friends over for sleepovers.
I think this is harder on us parents:)