Ds2 does not want DS1s school for secondary (possibly for all the wrong reasons), so how can we justify one privately educated and one not?

[QuintessentiallyQS]

DS1s school is a very good selective independent secondary in walking distance.
DS2 is adamant he does not want to go there, as his brother has had some issues, detention, and did not enjoy some aspects so much during Y7.

They are very different children, and I dont think ds2 would have similar issues. DS1 is doing much better now (fingers crossed).

ds2 either wants an independent in Battersea, or to go with his friends (Gunnersbury, Wimbledon, St RR - you get the gist)

To what extent is the choice his? He is Y5 now, so still some time. But I have already started agonizing.

I don't think it is an independent versus state dilemma, more whether your DS2 actually really knows what the different schools are like rather than judging on snippets of information coloured from the viewpoint of his friends or your DS1. Visiting them all with him would be a first step and keep his options open until the last possible minute so that you will all have as much information as possible when a definite decision has to be made.

Ultimately though it is difficult if you and he disagree on which the best school for him is. I would not though base a decision on a wish to remain with some of his Y5 friendship group.

I thought your ds1 was leaving that school anyway so why is it a problem that ds2 doesn't want to go there?

But anyway regardless of the particular schools in your case in general I think it's daft to say that because one child in a family is having a certain kind of education then all other siblings must have exactly the same education, regardless of whether it's right for them

We have one DS in state ed one at a well know independent boarding school. We choose the schools that suit them as individuals. Neither would have thrived at each other's schools.
If you have choice choose a school which suits the individual child.

I have a friend. She got her oldest son into a local very good Independent day school, he loved it. She then sent her younger son to the same school - he hated it, and begged to be moved. After some time they moved him to a local Comp., and he thrived.

Choose the right school for your child, not just because of its reputation or which sector its in.

But do also talk to your son and let him visit the schools, and learn about them.

I would take your son to open days at all the potential schools, if possibly within a relatively short time frame so that he can still remember the first once he has seen the last on the list! Speak to him after each visit, and find out what he liked and disliked, about each. I imagine he has all sorts of prejudices and romanticisms in his head, which actually seeing the places will dampen.

I let my DD choose a school which wasn't my first choice, and I accept now that my choice would've been wrong for her. I am so glad I listened! That said, I would not allow myself to be influenced by where the Y5 friends were likely to go, although I can see that is important to your DS.

My dilemma is finding the school that is right for ds, and to look at him independently of his brothers educational needs. They are such different people. Who knows where ds1 will end up? He may change schools during this year, or I may put him down for 13+ for entry into ds2s current favourite school.

I have made an overview of all the open mornings, and I will take ds2 to look. Some local schools were ruled out completely when looking for schools for ds1, others we will revisit with ds2 in mind. He is excited at the process, and he knows he is unlikely to end up with any of his friends.

Personally I don't think 10/11 year olds have enough experience to decide where they want to go to secondary school. As lots of others have said, do try to find a school that suits him and take him to visit them. A friend took her son to lots of visits and he wanted to go to one she didn't't like. He has just started yr 7 at a school he doesn't want to go to and is not settling well. So, only take your child to see schools you know you are happy from them to attend. Go on your own and do research first.

I don't think that one should go state and one independent. I think you're possibly creating huge resentment issues if you do this tbh.

I agree with others. If you have a choice, choose what's best for the individual regardless of whether it's state or independent. I don't see why there should be resentment issues as long as everyone is involved in the decision making and understands why the decision is reached. I have a DS who went from boarding prep to independent day at 13, but his school became an academy at the end of his first year. DD will almost certainly go to independent day from boarding prep next year but DS won't resent it as he knows we (and he) chose the right school for him at the time, just as we know the right school for DD will be one of the independent schools we're considering.

Why do you think it will create resentment Teaandalemon? Especially as the child himself says he doesn't want to go to his brothers independent school.

10 is far too young to make such a big decision. We had exactly the same situation, luckily after a trial day DS decided he wanted to join his brother.

If he hadn't have decided that we would have tried very hard to persuade him.

I think it would have the potential to cause huge family issues. I know everyone's different yada yada but this is my opinion.

I struggle to understand you OP.

Going back you always said that sending both to Indy would be a struggle financially. In May you were concerned that DS1 was coasting at the Indy but was happy and had made friends and you were thinking about moving him to a state because it was a waste of money if he didn't put more effort in. By the end of the school year (6 weeks later) this had changed to him being bullied throughout Y7, but he enjoyed his leafy school and you weren't sure what to do for the best. You have also made it clear that DS1 had problems at his last school for some years.

If he has now settled again and just has a wobbly patch for a few weeks after May half term he should stay where he is, particularly with his history - but only if you can afford it. And why on earth would you look to unsettle him by moving him again for Y9, with more school entrance tests to sit etc? it renders me speechless.

Also I don't really understand how there is a vacant place at a catholic secondary which seems to be kept reserved for DS1 at any time he chooses to take it. Spare places at these schools are usually snapped up.

You sound confused and some of this may be due to your seeing options where they may not exist. e.g. 13+ is extremely competitive in SW London, I don't know of a single school that doesn't pre-test so how's he going to get a place? Similarly the Australian simile " as popular as a catholic school" could be equally well-applied in this area, if a space does become available prepare to roll your sleeves up for the fight. I think you need to be a lot more realistic about what your options are, and I also think your DS1 has more chance of settling at any school if you make a decision, stick with it and stop looking at alternatives. Sorry if this sounds harsh but you do seem to be a bit all over the place and I don't think that's helping DS1.

As for DS2, no Indy school in this area has a sibling policy, many families have DCS at different schools, often not by choice, it doesn't really matter.

I think making a child go to a school just because his big brother goes there could lead to far more resentment.
What would you do Teas, if you lived in a grammar school area and child A and B failed the 11+, but then child C passed! Could child C go to grammar school, or would you worry about resentment?
Or what if child C was talented at Ballet, would you let them go to a specialist Ballet school?

My DH btw went to state school whereas his big sister went to a private school, he bears her no envy. He didn't pass the exam for one private school, and in the end they decided not to send him to a certain boarding school (which with hindsight was probably a good thing given certain revelations).
I slightly regret I wasn't told of one possible school I could have applied for, I would have gone like a shot, but then my mother was acting from her own memories of being sent to an out of area school, so I understand.

I went to grammar school. I would never send my DCs to one.

If we lived in an area where the local school was in any way comparable to the local independent than it might not be such a big issue. However we don't. Would be handy to have saved the money but would have been like chalk and cheese.

I know lots of people who choose different schools for their DCs, personally I don't.

I am confused.
If I were not confused, I would not need to post.

We will of course visit all relevant schools in commuting distance, and ds2 will visit those we shortlist.

My dilemma is related to the following:

1. Is it fair to have one child in private and another one in state? This leads to
2. If one child is privately educated, should this have any bearing on the choices we make for the second child?
3. What if the BEST school for ds2 is not private but state, should we aim to educate him privately just to ensure they both have private education if that may not be the best for ds2?
4. Should we not find the best school that suits ds2s needs independently from the choices we make for ds1?

As for the finances, it will work. Just. It will just be a case of no fab holidays, no new car. I think a good education and stability is worth more than a big house, nice car and holidays of a life time every year. We are quite happy and content in our little house and our old banger. It suits us.

And as for ds1s issues, I am trying to not let that influence our choices for ds2. If he is still happy where he is, I will not push him to do more exams or go to another school. It is a back up plan in case things dont work out. Dont other parents have back up plans if their children have problems? The bullies are no longer in his school, so hopefully things will be better this year. He has had a good start, so I am keeping my fingers crossed.

I have one at a well known top boarding school, one at a very well regarded state day school. When I was first considering doing this I said to a friend do you think X will turn round in 10 years and say "you spent all that money on Y's education and nothing on mine" and be resentful?
Her reply or alternatively Y could turn round in 10 years and say "you sent me away to school and X was always at home with you". We as parents do what we consider is best for our DS's. Neither would be happy at each other's schools, we support both of them fully and love them both equally to bits, neither are in any doubt about this. We choose the right school for the child, money has little to do with it.

Well I'm confused as well now. I don't see how you are worried about DS2 not being in the same school as DS1 when that could be any one of 3 schools.

Anyway, trying to be helpful I wouldn't be worried about them being in different schools. I had a similar state/Indy decision with DD2 because our local state comp is a fantastic school with brilliant resources, results etc. I preferred it to the local girls Indy for DD, but DS is already at a boys Indy. DH refused to even look at the comp for DD and instead insisted that DD go to a better Indy some distance away. It was important to DH that they both were treated the same, although surprisingly this wasn't the case in his family and any siblings failing the 11+ were sent to boarding school. There is no resentment amongst them because of this.

I hope your DS1 does well this year academically and socially and DS2 gets to choose the school which best suits him.

I dont think I came across right in my op. They dont need to be in the same school, but what if the school ds1 is in now is the right one for ds2, but he does not want to go there due to the issues that his brother has had!

Quintessentially - I have a friend who had one of her children in state school and the other in private - neither of them saw it as unfair - I think they were both happy that she had listened to each of them, and done what was best for each of them individually, at different times in their educations.

In a similar vein, when we lived in a town with a lot of selective schools, ds1 and ds2 both passed the 11+, but ds2 decided to go to a different selective school to ds1 - partly because his best friend was going there, partly because it had better sporting facilities, and more of a focus on sport than ds1's school, and partly because, at the school he chose, he would be ds2, not ds1's brother.

We let them make the choice, even though it would have been logistically simpler to have them both at the same school (never mind the possibility of passing down uniform rather than having two entirely different sets of it), and we didn't regret it - it seemed to be working well for them, and they would have carried on at these schools, if dh hadn't got a new job so we had to relocate to Scotland.

I would recommend taking your ds2 to visit the schools, so you are sure he is making his decision based on solid information, rather than chat from his brother and his friends, but I think that, as long as you have listened to,your children, and done what is right for each of them as individuals, you won't go far wrong.

i think you are making perfect sense QS.

i think at 10 you could say to him not to rule out DS1's school as his experience would be different. he's old enough to understand that. then take him to all of the options and see which suits best.

FWIW my parents sent me to a school for secondary away from all of my primary school friends. i was not impressed but wasn't given any option. i now know it was the right thing to do, and in fact probably figured that out in my first year there so enjoyed the school they had chosen.

I think ds2 is so sociable and easy going he wont have a problem making friends. DS1 thinks his school will be perfect for ds2. Ds2 has never gotten into trouble in his current school (unlike ds1 when he was in the same primary). In fact, he has several Head Teachers awards for good behaviour. His Y4 end of year report was top of everything, and HTs personal note to him awesome.

The only problem is that ds2 just does not have the patience for doing much school work, like I said, he is like a duracell rabbit on speed. So, a highly pressurized environment may not be so good for him. The work he does do, is great quality though, and he has a really good grasp on causality. He has worked ahead on mathletics till Y9 work, and ds1 does not quite get what ds2 is doing, neither am I.