How to help yr7 DS to make friends

[katedan]

DS has joined a very large secondary school last week. He only had one or two friends in his primary school as he seems much more comfortable in small groups. However his other two friends have goes to different schools and he now has to try and make friends in his new school. I know that social development is just important as educational development in school but I don't know how to support DS to make friends. I arranged for him to walk with some other boys on the first day but he refused and we are now a the end of day 3 and he says he has not spoken to anyone since he joined.
He is very shy and struggles to talk to children his own age. I just want him to be happy and settle into his new school.
I know it is early days but any advice would be appreciated.

Has he joined any clubs at school or out of school? A shared interest or hobby might help him relax enough to talk to other kids.

Why does he not go to the same school as his friends? Having said that, in a larger school, children do make new friends and old friendships do not always survive. I don't see how he cannot have talked to anyone! Surely he has had to work with other children, sit on a lunch table with others, play sport with others? Gradually children do find like minded ones and I would give it a bit longer. Joining clubs is a good idea but not sure you can find friends for him.

I asked my now yr 10 DS this question last year when a friend's DS was being bullied. He shrugged his shoulders and said, 'you just have to work it out for yourself' which was not very helpful but possibly true. DS started yr 7 with a friend but being shy was like a rabbit in the headlights. According to him, all yr 7s are the same and afraid of the big kids just because they're bigger (not bullying, just older), so they tend to stick together for support anyway - like shoals of fish was his observation.
He told me he made a conscious decision in yr 8 to 'come out of his shell' (no idea why). His solution, which he discovered in yr 8, was humour so I now worry about him being the class clown and he has a lot of friends. I guess if your DS is quiet and shy he would be best just hanging around with classmates and observing and choosing similar or interesting characters to hang out with. Good thing about boys is they don't usually need to actually talk to one another to get on - its usually more physical, wrestling, dead arms - doesn't mean they don't like you!
Or there's always clubs and extra activities.

What sort of interests does your DS have?

DS2 is quiet and hardly spoke to anyone when he started secondary school in Year 7. He just went to a communal computer in the breaks and played Minecraft. At first he was very self-conscious when people started watching him but he soon acquired a group of Minecraft obsessed friends. Two years on, they're into computer coding and creating their own games. One of DS1's best friends became a friend when one of them heard the other talking about a Manga series they both loved.

Give it time.

I would encourage him to go to lunchtime clubs, in things he is interested in. Sport/drama/computers/chess - it doesn't really matter. They will all be receptive to new Y7s at the moment, and will hopefully welcome him with open arms. If he is interested, he will possibly have the confidence to communicate with the others. It also has the advantage of filling in the lunchtime, which can seem very long if you have none to talk to.

Might also be worth asking his form teacher if s/he can "push" him towards a like minded individual who might be receptive to a friend. There will be lots of kids feeling lonely and out of sorts at the moment.

I have a similar problem, DS at large school, no friends from his primary, unlikely to actually talk to anyone of his own volition for weeks. He is going to join some clubs ( sporty ones ) and has promised me to ask at least one child a week his name, other than that we'll just have to wait and see how it goes I think. And I have arranged for him to meet 2 friends from his primary ( he only has a few and not very close really ) so that there is some continuity for him. But think it's mainly up to him!

our ds arrived new to area last year and had real difficulties breaking in. a year on, looking back, as he now is part of a large group:
-minecraft; fifa 14;

• xbox multiplayer was an easy way to link with people but in his home where he felt safe;

he tried lunchtime clubs and the library but that worked less well for him; pushing himself to go to the local park, and to join the groups there even though it wasn't very acceptable to go alone, this has been the thing which made the big difference for him - he said recently, in school everyone was in closed groups, it is easier to break in in the park.

what i wish i'd known: his school has a pupil inclusion unit - a special classroom open to kids who are struggling. you need to be referred and can go with a friend, but it gives a safe base if you are shy. none of the teachers ever mentioned it, but getting a referral did help him feel he would have somewhere to retreat to, and once referred he never went.

reassure your ds lots of kids are faking it. we watched the itv series faking it online - the surfer episode, so ds could see about body language. our gp said she was seeing some 10% of year 7 boys for anxiety issues - so he isn't alone and will find others.

good luck to you and him.

I second what Coolas said.

Asked my very sociable older DS as I was worried about my shy y7 DS (different schools) - he said he didn't make proper friends till midway through y8. Lots of casual hanging around till then. He said it was fine.

We're waiting for the clubs list too but I've been surprised that my DS has asked names and has been mixing at lunch times.

Do give it a bit more time - it is still very early days- then if still worried speak with his tutor. They will have strategies to help.

Oh and Milly Loads of children go to secondary as the only one from their school, without the support of friends from primary. The 60 children in my DS's year have gone on to 27 different schools; community comps, academies, super-selective grammars and independent. We are in London and children go in borough and to 4 neighbouring boroughs. That's just the way it is.

3 things:

1. Agree with the join clubs thing - if he plays an instrument then go for the school band/ orchestra as well.

1. Time will resolve a lot of this - as gradually he is randomly grouped in classes with other kids and assigned longer term projects (possibly involving out of class work) he'll build friendships through that.

1. Try not to be concerned. Remember that in general most kids make friends in senior school along the way and your DS is highly likely to do so. Try and be confident about that happening outwardly for him - it will give him confidence.

I suspect his teachers will pick up on the fact he's a bit quiet/ shy as well - but at your first meeting (usually one in the Autumn) make a point of letting his form tutor know that he's a bit shy and may need encouraging.

I'm sure that given some time and space, you DS will make a new group of friends at his school - but just like at primary - it's not instant and this time it has to be down to him, you can't really help orchestrate this but you can help facilitate it (by being the one to host to gang at your house, or drive them to the movie, etc...).

HTH

Thank you for all your comments. He is keen to join clubs etc when they start up but he is not into sport so those ones are out. He wants to go to Drama club when it starts which he is keen on and will stay for homework club as school finishes at 2.15 so he thought he could get homework done before coming home. I know I have to give it time and let him find his own way I just feel that if he was happy then he would enjoy school more.

Katedan:

have him look into subject-based clubs: science/ chemistry, math, poetry, etc...

There may also be gaming related clubs: World of Warcraft/ Minecraft/ etc...

Glee club (involving singing/ dancing)

there may also be things like art/ photography/ debate

look out for music clubs: ukulele or steel band - which are also intended to teach you the instrument.

Some schools have sailing or climbing clubs.

also - although it does involve fitness elements- Duke of Edinburgh scheme is really good: more info here: www.dofe.org/en/content/cms/doing-your-dofe/whats-the-dofe/

the volunteering element can also really help toward getting an idea of what you might want to do at Uni or when you grow up/ getting 'on the job experience' - good for CV when applying for first job, etc....

HTH

Oh wigan glad your DD's experience at secondary is going better than primary, which from your description sounds dreadful and so sad.

Hope she goes from strength to strength.

further thought. when ds was having a hard time i read a bit about solutions focussed counselling, which is meant to be good for this age. basically getting him to identify and articulate his best hopes (ie for ds to be part of a group where he could be himself and hang out), to possibly help him brainstorm options, but to stand back and let him implement. its about expressing confidence in them, that they will find their way through to a solution, most likely in a different way to us, - but also then helping them notice their successes on the way. i was sceptical but it worked amazingly well for ds, and he was far more courageous and aimed far higher than i would have thought.

Goodness wigan what a time you and your DD have been through! She must have one hell of an amazing character to have come out the other side and go onto secondary so positively.

Too many schools resort to victim blaming; child being bullied in class- let's move the bullied child to another table. Bully stays put. Child being bullied in playground - perhaps bullied child should play in a different part of playground. Bully stays put. Etc. etc.

Hope your DD continues to make lovely, supportive kind friends.