How do you justify seding your child to boarding school?

[sunshine75]

I've read some pretty horrific things lately about boarding schools and the damage they can cause. See this article from the Guardian.

www.theguardian.com/society/2014/jul/20/damage-boarding-school-sexual-abuse-children

However, I have no personal experience of one and have no close friends who went to one. Therefore, I don't want to be hasty in forming a negative opinion about them.

So, if you chose to send your child to a boarding school then I'm curious as to why you chose to? For example, why did you chose boarding over a really good day school? Is there anyone who chose a boarding school for a much younger child and was this a really hard thing to do?

[morethanpotatoprints]

Sometimes it is the best school for your child and it happens to be a boarding school.
I agree, all schools are institutions.

Thanks Mini I was flamed once for calling nurseries and schools institutions.

[morethanpotatoprints]

Maryz

How old is ds2? if you don't mind me asking.
My dd would love to go to a boarding school, but we have said no until she is older.
As day pupil it would be similar to your ds2, except train journey at 6.30.

[IndridCold]

Like Maryz says, you make the decision that is right for you and your child. If you were to make a list of things that parents do to cause emotional and/or physical damage to their children, I think that sending them to boarding school would come pretty low down the order.

Personally I wouldn't have wanted to send DS away to board at age 7, although I know lots of children who board quite happily at that age. By the time DS was 12/13 it was completely different, and he was already turning into a young man and was ready for a bit more independence from home and from us.

DS is happy at his school, he is getting an amazing education with lots of other fantastic opportunities as well, he is surrounded by boys his own age, and he has gained a huge amount of self assurance and confidence to be true to himself. He loves coming home and is affectionate and good company when he is here, we have a great relationship and he is open with us. If that wasn't the case then we would obviously re-think.

[Teapot74]

DS is starting boarding this Sept @13. His school is 2 miles up the road. I 'm a SAHM. He's boarding because he wants to, he wants constant companionship and we want him to get the most out of school. I'm hoping that he will want to come home every weekend. He won't miss out on any family occasions because he's so local. I can meet him for coffee if I want etc etc. I love him to bits but have chosen what we feel will be right for him. If it's a disaster we hopefully will be able to change to a day place. To slate boarding as a whole is IMHO a little bit narrow minded. We don't feel it would suit our DD but if that's something she wanted in the future we would look into it.

[FrozenAteMyDaughter]

I think that the people who come onto threads like this who have children at boarding school have, without exception, well thought out and considered reasons for choosing a particular boarding school over any other boarding or day option for their child/children. There is no one on here who has said they sent their child away as it was family tradition to do so or because they work long hours and want to focus on their career over their children. Such people do exist, of course, and I would hazard a guess that it is their children who are more likely to be unhappy at boarding shool because their individual needs were not a major part of the decision.

So I think the discussion is always going to be at cross-purposes because those who are against boarding school are actually against sending children away as a way of devolving responsibility for them, not because that is what is best for the child him or herself in their particular circumstances.

This is also probably why it will rarely (although I am sure not never, as already demonstrated on this thread) be appropriate to send away a child at 7 but is quite likely to be appropriate for the right child at 13.

One thing that made me quite sad upthread was where I think it was lottie who said that some children will get more interest from staff than from their parents (paraphrasing - sorry). It is probably those parents who would never be on here explaining their reasons for sending their children away.

Oh, and please stop dissing nurseries. Whatever you think of them, nurseries are entirely different from boarding schools (unless you are talking about overnight nurseries if such exist) and saying, "oh, I may send my child to boarding school but at least I wasn't such an evil mother I sent him/her to nursery five days a week" is making a nasty and totally irrelevant attack on those who do use such childcare for whatever reason.

[motherinferior]

I didn't go to boarding school. My partner did, and quite liked it.

However, he found it interesting that at a school reunion a couple of years ago everyone (a) had fond memories of the school (b) said no way would they send their children away to board.

[morethanpotatoprints]

A friend of my dds mum sees her more now she is at boarding school thanshe did when her dd was at state school.
She picks her up a couple of evenings a week and drives her back to her home town for an activity sheisheavily involved with.
She goes to see her regularly in concerts. Exeat? is every 3rd weekend of the month. Sometimes go shopping together on saturday afternoon and regular trips to theatre together.

[Hakluyt]

"A friend of my dds mum sees her more now she is at boarding school thanshe did when her dd was at state school."

But on special occasions. What boarders miss out on is the day to day ordinariness of family life.

[morethanpotatoprints]

Maryz

Where are you and are there any types of funding for sport education where you are?
We are looking at specialist music school for our dd when she is 13, not yet Pretty much the same though in she is begging to go now, but I'm convinced it is too young at 10. We have music and dance awards that can cover full fees dependant on income.

I would just like to add that sometimes dc are better off boarding at a school that offers day attendance too. There are some things that you needto be there to get the full experience and going home everyday you'd miss.

[happygardening]

"Children un who are sent away to boarding schools don't have someone to turn to who lives them"
Err yes mine does his parents, I could be at the school in 75 mins if he needed me and he know this. I font think my DS has once doubted my interest in him.
"what makes a boarding school a better experience than bring put into institutional care?"
Well let's think about this most children at boarding schools have loving families who they go home to on a regular basis this very obviously doesn't apply to children in care homes.
"How few qualification they ask for and how little experience"
Here I can only speak from my experience of a top boarding school I can't talk about small school struggling to make ends meets. All our HM's are qualified teachers, most are my ageish (maybe a few years younger As I'm sadly no longer early to mid 40's) all have wives most children, the tutors who are attached the house obviously vary in age but all are qualified teachers as well, the health centre is staffed by qualified nurses and doctors, the chaplains are qualified, the counsellor is qualified. I can't comment on our matrons (most again who are my age so lots of life experiences) because I've never asked then but matrons I know personally outside of the school have frequently done diplomas in pastoral care for boarders, are often graduates and have husbands and children (who also often live in the house). None IME have few qualifications or limited experience.
I can see it's not right for all and that some are traumatised by it, but plenty of children are traumatised by their day schools in both sectors, but I'm sorry to disappoint those of you who are anti boarding but many thrive and love it! secure in the knowledge they have loving caring parents behind them.
Hakluyt you say boarding school children never have their needs put first, well for a start they are home 19 weeks of the year I'm not starting threads saying I wish to summer holidays would end and and my DS go back to school (and similar) and also most parents I know whose children board are very keen to ensure that the school puts their needs first in fact often this is the problem parents paying large fees often forget that there are other children in the school.
I accept that boarding is not right for some and that some have been traumatised by it although I having spent large parts of my life with those with mental health problems interestingly as gar as I can remember not one boarded. Many years ago I did a brief stint in a residential unit with 200+ alcohols and drug addicts, all to a man told me that they drunk/took drugs because of childhood trauma not one was at boarding school, all had been sadly abused usually sexually as children. I have two friends with significant mental health problem including alcoholism neither were at boarding school. In contrast we're just stayed with some friend a husband and wife both boarded from an early age both are delightful funny warm generous individuals.
You can't generalise many will leave boarding schools happy and well adjusted individuals, some won't it may be because they had external issues going on (acrimonious divorce being one that IME causes so much trauma to a child) or maybe because they were simply miserable. Most parents (both boarding and day) are dedicated and loving, they simply want the best for their DC's and are constantly on the look out for any indication that their DC is unhappy, few boarding parent I know would leave their DC at a boarding school if they one they felt they were unhappy or two felt their emotional development was being affected.
As parents we make our own individual choices, no parent is less caring or less dedicated because they choose boarding over day or vice versa or state over independent or vice versa. We know our children best we choose what we believe is right for them and us , not what is right for your DC an you. As they say there are many roads to Rome.

[happygardening]

"what boarders miss out on is the ordinariness of family life"
What utter rubbish Hakluyt your not living in the 21st century gone are the days when children go off in September and only see their parents once before Xmas. My children have many very bog standard ordinary days at home and they have special days at home just like day children.

[Timetoask]

There was a good documentary on the BBC some months ago called "A very english education", it followed some students from Radley college when they were at the school in the 70s. It then visits the same men as adults in 2013.

From what I can remember, it was a very mixed bag. Some of the men would never consider sending their children to a boarding school.

One of them (the star of the group) felt so much pressure to do well that he really struggled emotionally, he now is a successful doctor living in Australia with his family around him, including his teenage children, very happy! They showed him helping his teenage daughter with some homework, really enjoying family life.

Another, a very posh English man, with a huge mansion (not much cash though) sending his primary age child to a boarding school (made my hearth sink to be honest).

I know which family I'd rather belong to if I were a child.

[Timetoask]

Oh! I've found the documentary on youtube.... this is one of the comments posted:

"
Apparently none of you was there. I was. Ten years before this documentary,

Recently I've made contact with others who were with me. It's now quite clear that we were all traumatized in a specially insidious way -- our histories since then have been remarkably similar. Broken lives, broken thoughts, broken dreams. We were crushed into automatons as children but never remade. We'e the victims of a British holocaust and God only knows how many of these warped individuals are now in positions of great power. And trust me, warped we all are.?"

[happygardening]

People who join "the boarding school survivors association" or get onto documentaries about boarding by their nature are unlikely to be happy well adjusted adults with fond memories of boarding, the first in particular is obviously completely self selecting. I saw that programme they interviewed what 6-7 boys max, we didn't hear from the other 690 boys at Radleyvat the time. From my recent experience of dealing with the media including the BBC they're not interested in stories with happy outcomes. Secondly (for the umpteenth time) boarding has also changed immensely especially in the last 15 years.
We know quite a few adult boarders of varying ages (none are emotionally retarded or have significant MH problems) all had a time of their lives, talk fondly of their school days and want their DC's to experience the same thing.

[Timetoask]

interviewed what 6-7 boys max, we didn't hear from the other 690 boys at Radleyvat the time

yes that is very true.

[happygardening]

None of the adult boarders we know have "broken lives, broken thoughts broken dreams" nor do they have the personalities of automatons in fact far from it in many cases.
This gross generalisation about how traumatised boarders are is exceedingly narrow minded and tedious.