Dd has encountered a Wendy

[VivaLeBeaver]

She's in Year 8. There's a group of five of them who have been good friends for two years. I wouldn't say that dd has a special friend out the group.

Two of the group have known each other since primary school. Then dd and one of the others became good friends with them in year 7. The fifth girl joined the school in year 8 but they've all got one fine. No bitching or falling out at all.

Now another girl in their year seems to be latching onto the other 4 in the group but excluding dd. so she comes over to the group at lunch time and in front of dd asks the other 4 about coming to her house at the weekend. Which they all say yes to.

Its happened a few times. So then dd says they're either talking about what they're going to do at this girls House or afterwards talking about the fun things they did.

Dd has still sometimes met up with the other 4 at weekends. So its not like she's been dropped by them.

I've told her not to walk away when they all chat about their plans which it sounds like she has done. But stay there even if she can't really get involved in the conversation. Because at some point the conversation will move on.

I've also suggested a sleep over in the holidays. Would you invite this girl with the hope she might invite dd to stuff in the future? Or just invite her four friends with the hope of strengthening their bond?

I've told dd to tell her mates how she feels but she won't.

Very difficult and upsetting situation for your dd. I have a dd of a similar age, and know they can be unthinking at best, and downright cruel at worst.

Do you have any inkling why this new girl might have chosen your dd to exclude rather than one of the others? Wondering if there is a lesson in there somewhere.

Do you know any of the mates' Mums well enough to have a chat about the situation?

to clarify: when I say 'they can be unthinking or cruel' I mean girls of this age.

I don't know any of the other mums.

Dd is possibly slightly geekier and not as cool as the other 4 of her friends. Not that any of them are the "cool" girls who are into hair and makeup.

Dd says the others chat about The Fault In Our Stars and The Hobbit a lot and I worry dd is a bit of a minecraft bore. Her friends like minecraft but I'm guessing most other girls don't.

I've offered to take her to see A fault in our Stars but she says it sounds too sad so doesn't want to go even though she knows it might give her some common ground.

I've had a if chat with her about not monopolising conversations, or being silly. To make sure to listen and ask questions. So don't think its that.

This is such a tricky age, and different interests really separate / divide friends. It can also be quite a clique-y and fickle time among friendship groups.

Dd 'shed' some friends a while back because they are now into fashion/makeup/fixing hair, and she is not very interested in those things. They are also quite sporty, and she is not.

There is a natural moving apart as interests change - it may be that the move was happening already with your dd's friendship group, but the Wendy is just moving things along faster.

Ask your dd if she knows of any other girls who are Minecraft fiends. Maybe she can branch out a bit socially, and find some new friends with the same interests.

What does your dd do with the other girls when they meet up outside school? What are their shared interests/activities?

They tend to go swimming, shopping, watch movies when together and all seem to get on well. Hope she isn't losing them.

I think these friends are the only girls she knows who like minecraft. She gets on with boys well but its not the same.

Can she out-wendy the wendy? If DD knows that the group is going to Wendy's house at, say, 4 o'clock can she go to another friend's house at 2 o'clock and then just tag along? Wendy can't refuse entry can she? Or, if she does, it may make the others realise what is happening (they probably haven't consciously twigged yet).
Once DD has invited herself over a couple of times then the barrier may be broken.

DD1 and her two closest friends were dropped by some of their friends towards the end of y8, they were perceived as 'too geeky' and their erstwhile friends gravitated towards the hair and makeup girls. DD1 wasn't fussed but her best friend was a bit. By the start of y11 not only had the former friends drifted back to the geek clique, but they also brought with them a couple of former hair and makeup girls - they'd all grown up a bit and realised how silly they'd been.

DD2 has encountered a bit of wendying at her dance class - a new girl has tried to latch on to DD2s closest friend and appropriate her, very ostentatiously excluding DD2. Luckily DD2's best friend isn't interested. Unluckily this Wendy is going to the same secondary school as Dd2 (the best friend is at a different (private) school. Hopefully they will be in different classes.

i like the idea of a holiday sleepover. I wouldn't plan to invite the other girl, because she is not your dd's friend, and has been unpleasant to her. If she changes her behaviour toward your dd, it will be a different story and of course, you/dd will be happy to include her.

I'd also arrange some one-on-one time with each of the girls in the group over summer break to strengthen individual friendships too.

Is your dd a part of any groups outside school? Activities, church, guides, sports/theatre/music, etc? It can be beneficial to have a few friendship groups going so if things turn sour in one group, it is not so devastating if there is another more positive friendship group to turn to.

I don't think dd would be confident enough to do any tagging along. Plus they all live in town and dd is out in the sticks so can't really do dropping in on them.

She doesn't have other friends apart from online Internet friends who she plays minecraft with. She has refused to do any out of school activities. Stopped beavers, stopped brownies, stopped riding lessons, stopped climbing lessons, etc.

Why has she stopped all these activities, and why does she refuse to go?

In your shoes, I would have said she can drop some things if she dislikes them, but she's got to keep some activities (or start up something new). She can't just do nothing. Give her choices, but doing nothing isn't an option.

While you don't want to force her to do things she doesn't enjoy, she does need to make an effort to do something other than sit at home, by herself, playing minecraft on the computer.

It may be time for you to teach her about how being social/getting involved in activities will bring her into contact with like-minded people.

What are her plans for summer break?

She just says she doesn't like organised activities and refused to go to them.

I've asked her before about starting something else and she says no way.

She doesn't have any plans for the summer. We're going on holiday for a week. I'll be at work the rest of the time.

She is quite organised with minecraft stuff, she has her own server and YouTube channel. But I know its not social with real life people although I think she'd call the girls she plays with her friends. They talk to each other on their computers and shes sat there most evenings chatting to them, not just about minecraft stuff. Proper voice chatting, not typing.