I am not going

[womanwithvan]

NC for this as ds knows my usual name and sorry for it being overly long

I have 2 children dd 15, ds 12.

dd started making her grand plan when she was 7 and we worked back to which schools she needed to be in to stand a chance of getting where she wants to be. I organised her tutors, extra curricular activities and she worked hard, all the time with her eyes firmly set on where she was going.

ds also knows what he wants to do and I did the same for him. But that is where it all starts to break down. Before the 1st lesson he had with a teacher he darted to moan about how he did not want to go in, he moaned continuously for 2 terms before every activity, and all evening after each activity.

This is the sort of thing he supposedly wants to do and enjoys doing when he is in the classes but it was getting him in the classes and then the onslaught of moaning when he came out of the classes. consequently I cancelled all classes

Anyway come to the examination and he gets in 2 out of the 3 schools he applied for. He refuses to go to the 2 he got in and moans about not getting in the school he didn't get in.

So he ends up in the local comp which we had not visited or done any research on because I thought he was going to go to one of the schools he got offered a place in.
I end up pulling him out of after a term because of his constant moaning about how he was not going into school, how he hated it, how he had no friends and on my part because of them not actually doing any work and getting a break from the constant battles to get him to do anything.
I home schooled him for a 1 1/2 terms and did the rounds of all the schools in the area and even looked at some private schools, not that we can afford them.

At the start back after 1/2 term he started at a localish school that as he put it, if he had to go to one it was the best of a bad lot. It is I have told him a good school to get him back on track to go to the school he wants to go to in year 9.

I have had weeks of moaning stomping around, tears and tantrums about how he isn't going to school again and this morning I completely lost the plot and threatened him with boarding school because I and the rest of the family cannot stand the moaning anymore.

He even had the cheek to say how his sister is so lucky how she got to go to the school he wanted to go to. I did point out that had he not moaned so much and had applied himself to the lessons I had organised for him then he would, in all probability have got in. He moaned about how there was no tester days at the schools he got offered. I then had to point out there was a tester day and he refused to go.

I really don't know what to do with him as most of what he is moaning about is usual for any school. Yesterday he was going through his terrible day and went into great detail how a lesson he had consisted of him having to copy stuff down from the

Help please He comes out in less than 2 hours and I am sick of the constant moaning and battles for him to do anything..

If I was you I'd pick a school. Send him to it. Every day for the next year. No messing about, no days off unless he's dying, send him.

And review after that.

And it's not a disaster if he changes his mind what he wants to be - my DD has no idea yet, and she's 15.

I understand where you are coming from OP, my dd is the same apart from the school side.
When it was apparent that school was holding her back we deregistered and soon will be into 3rd year of H.ed.
Some children do know exactly what they want to do and won't even consider looking at a plan B, it is x thing or nothing.
Have you considered H.ed, there are huge possibilities for FE and Higher Ed after being H.ed.
If you are certain that school is for him, then I agree with others he will have to learn the hard way, that unless he puts in the work he won't get the results.
BTW I wouldn't give the music example, the ones who practice and do well don't end up strumming a few chords and wailing on the stage
They don't need talent nor work for that.
I like the holiday analogy though.
Is there somebody in the public eye who has been successful at what your ds wants to do? You could find a biography and leave it strategically placed somewhere in the house.

Both my DDs have known what they wanted to do from a very very early age (DD2 since she understood the concept of 'doing' something for a living when you are grown up, so, about 3. DD1 since she was about 7). They are both really odd. DS, 13, has no idea what he wants to do (although he has some idea about what he doesn't want to do). He is normal.

I sorry but I am aghast at how much say you let your kids have. Giving choice and control are two different things.

You are the parent with legitimate responsibility morally and in law. Not him.

His tantrums work that is why he is still having them at aged 12. Why are you enabling him. I'm sorry I don't know hove you got here or if there is some sibling rivalry thing going on but he needs to grow up and do as he is told.

He sounds ungrateful for all you have done including a lot if freedom of choice. Give yourself a break.

I think you have given him far too much choice over things that ought to have been your decision as a parent.

What to do now? I'd suggest you say "We followed your choices and did what you wanted, and look at the mess you ended up in. You've had your chance. Now you are doing what I want. Now go to school and stop whinging."

Have either of them ever done extra curricular stuff for, you know, fun? Sorry I can't believe you've invested so much time and energy on things they said they wanted AGED 7 and you've kept on and on with it. Poor kid must feel like he's been pushed in this direction for his entire childhood.

Just keep him at his present school, make him join cadets or drama group or play drums or something just to enjoy and not be pressured and you'll just have to put up with the moaning for now.

*If I was you I'd pick a school. Send him to it. Every day for the next year. No messing about, no days off unless he's dying, send him.

And review after that.*

WRT your DD working 3 jobs, if she is doing more than 8 hours paid work a week in term time her employers are breaking the law!

Sorry meant 12 hours

here.

Agree with others , why is a 12yo getting that much say ? In life there are plenty of downs and things we just have to accept and deal with . This is one . If you make any sort of fuss, suggest moving or HE again he will have achieved a moral victory . Maybe point out that he probably won't achieve his goals if he is a quitter. It may be he finds it hard to live up to his sister and so feels easily defeated and quits before he fails. Perhaps he would be better considering something completely different as a career path or just enjoying life and seeing what develops ? As he gets older there will be less and less you can directly influence but attendance at a school now is one .

OP, two things have happened here.

First, you've allowed yourself to question your parental judgement because you've been wrong once!

That's an over reaction. We all make mistakes. A&E is full of kids whose parents were convinced their broken fingers were just bruised ...

You need to start trusting yiourself again. Concentrate on all the times you've made the right call. Interestingly, once you start to focus on your wrong calls, you make more of 'em.

Second, your DS has learned that whinging gets results.

He whinged about activities; they stopped. He whinged about schools, he didn't go. He whinged about the comp and he left. This is becoming a corrosive pattern and it's your job to stop it.

Best way to do that is to trust your judgement and ignore whinging. When it doesn't get results, it will stop.

What an odd thread!
Why on earth have you let your 7 to 12 yr old dictate to you?
You are the parent - you don't let him turn down schools you think are the best option for him!
Of course he's not likely to know at 7 what he wants to do - my ds is 18 and not many of his peers know what they want to do for the rest of their loves.
Your dd is not allowed to work all the hours under the sun, even if you think it's a good idea - there are laws governing how much you can work when you are of school age.

I don't think there is a problem with specialising in something at this age, some children are completely turned off learning in a school environment and can't see the point in what they are learning.
A broad, rounded education isn't important if they are hell bent in one direction.
However, I must agree with others that the constant swapping and changing can't be good for him and it sounds like he is under a lot of pressure.
Were the schools he wanted to go to selective? Were these the exams you referred to?
What subject does he want to do, are you able to tell us?
I do sympathise as I have a similar dc, but she isn't given everything she wants or allowed to call the shots, because she would be like your ds if so.
You need boundaries and yes give them control and choices, but the bottom line is you and you must be firm.

Oh, forgot to ask.
Is your dd H.ed because I believe the term time and school governing rules for working have no place here.
My dd is 10 and often does paid work, or receives pay for working.

Treat him like the child he is, and act like the adult parent you are- you'll both be much happier.

I don't think you needed to name change as that is a particular set of arrangements you have in place. I sympathise with you but you've gone too far in your ambitions for your children. Is this partly because you've too much choice over schools? Perhaps boarding school is the answer.

morethan - your DD's employers may well be breaking the law then. There are very limited ways that under 13s are allowed to be paid for employment and strict rules around this (mainly performing arts). This has nothing to do with Schools but is often administered by the Education department.

mummytime

The education dept doesn't apply to dd, they weren't interested when we applied for a license for some tv work, we had to ask the company to accept the doctors letter on its own.
This wasn't the paid work I refer to though.
She busks occassionally with grown ups, she isn't 14 like law says, but not playing/singing on her own, so this is acceptable.
She guests at festivals and in Jazz/Big Bands where the musicians don't have employers.
She is lucky to find the loopholes. If they gave GCSE's for this she'd be fixed already.

I think you have a sad and scared young boy who is crying out for stability, boundaries, guidance and parenting.

He is too young to be responsible for decisions of this magnitude.

He, I guess, is trying to fulfill some long forgotten expectation - of yours? - together with dealing with sibling rivalry.

At 12 all he has to do is go to school and do his best. That should be enough.

Oh and moaning at 12? That's what they do...you don't have to buy into it or make radical decisions because of it.

Excellent post Raisin

OP, stop with all the chopping and changing. It's exhausting just reading about it. Find a good school, and send him to it.

I'm guessing from my reading of the posts that there is an OH on the scene. I think it might be time for you to back out and for DS and OH to have a man-to-man talk.

It sounds very upsetting for your ds. I dont understand your attitude at all. I dont get the doing activities at his age for his future career and not because he enjoys them.

I think you need to stick with the school, stop the apparent non stop pressure and discussion about his career and let him live like a normal child for a bit.

morethan - music is a grey area. My DD get paid for her singing and has done since 10 (sometimes). However the biggest and most regular payment has to be called a scholarship (and is recompense for her music lessons) as a way to ensure it remains "safe".
My DD also does voluntary work which she wouldn't be allowed payment for (working with animals).

However I think your LA are breaking their responsibilities, but then mine has a lot of child performers. However I know singing with a choir doesn't need licensing even if on TV/Radio etc.

Well, apologies for hi-jacking thread but I am relieved to see that steppemum has done exactly what we've just done for our DS. Sent him to a good school , and not the local low achieving school his classmates are going to. And for just the same reasons.

My DS is 11 and wants to be a professional cricketer. I am really encouraging him but think in all likelihood he won't achieve this, but with a good education, the world is his oyster. I don't think my 11 year old can see the bigger picture, and it's quite likely that if I did what he wanted now and sent him to the low achieving school, by the time he's 16 he'd be angry at that decision. I expect he'll settle in in September, make a few friends, join lots of sports clubs and have fun.