DD has become withdrawn and cynical at grammar school

[MrsGherkin]

DD is at an excellent state grammar school. Before she went we ummed and ahhed about wether to send her to the good local comp where arguably she'd be in the top groups, which might be a better place for a child who's quietly competitive and really quite self critical. We hoped she's cope and adjust so chose grammar school.

She's now in year 9 and has really lost her confidence. Everyone around her works as hard as she does but despite her good grades she's just not as good as them in many subjects. DD's actually doing well, but not in her eyes I don't think. She's excelled at DT, her results were 19 or 20 out of 20 for each task and she got lots of praise for her work, but then others swept away with end of key stage prizes for the subject (so'd obviously done even better than her), she just shrugged. DD used to be so positive and engaged in her education, she liked her teachers and seemed to really relish being at primary school and being good at stuff. Each holiday our old happy-go-lucky daughter returns as she relaxes, away from the pressure. It is nice to see DD not holed-up in her room for hours at a time, she chats to us more and seems to enjoy our company - something she's been shunning recently.

DD says she likes school, but she does not have much that's positive to say about it. If I compare how she seems to even a year ago she's far more cynical and withdrawn. She says she's known as the most un-smiling girl in the class and seems to savour the notoriety of this, rather like comedian Jack Dee. She poo-poos everything at the school and complains about her form-teacher who seems to dislike them and never has an end of year party nor buys any treats for them - this isn't great as other staff do and are more nurturing.

She's growing up fast and facing all those changes, and her best mate's recently left so that's not helping. DD's just not as close to other friends, she's not got a soul mate. I've let the school know and they say they'll do what they can to boost her confidence. I do hope things improve in time, perhaps all she needs is a kind teacher to show some interest in her and single her out a bit - pretty hard to do with so much glittering talent around every corner. I do realise that many average children face this every day at every school, but this school's known for DC's getting A* or A for every GCSE and anyone with a B's seen as a bit of a freak so the pressure's really full-on all the time. I have to admit we're thinking about taking her out, but at the end of year 9 that's a risk and it may not solve all of her issues, it could even make things worse. It's difficult to know what to do for the best so any knowledgable and /or helpful advice is gratefully received. Thanks in advance.

In your case I think I would do as follows:

• See whether there is a local acceptable school with spaces in her year group (if necessary go see it yourselves first)
• Go to visit that school with DD to see if she likes it. Make sure it is discussed with her what GCSE options she would get to do if she transferred
• discuss with DD the pros and cons of moving
• help DD make the decision

She sounds a bit like me at grammar school. Ok to middling at everything but never noticed by anyone and definitely no prizes. I think a bit of recognition for something done well does build self esteem and I know I felt useless, although I was not. We also had dreaded form orders twice a term where we were ranked in order of achievement. The lower placed souls were suddenly meant to be motivated to get to the top. Needless to say, it demotivated very many. I think giving prizes can seriously demotivate those that have done well but just miss out. Prizes always seem to go to the same children too. By the way, my DD was given a B grade at school for work that was marked at 39/40! How does that work exactly?

I also think friendships change quite a lot in year 10 with girls. They tend to work out who their real friends are and stop wanting to associate with the Queen Bees. It must be quite a big school, so there must be a few more like her and when she gets into subject sets she may well find the like minded people. The problem you may have with moving in year 9 is that she will feel that she has failed and it will not be lost on her new classmates either. I actually think I would keep going for the next 2 years and then maybe move for A levels. She might get a better form teacher next year. If she says she likes school, has she asked to move? If not, I would be wary of doing so.

Do you think she will get Bs at GCSE? If she is academically as good as the others, she probably will get As and A*s. If she is having to work ridiculously hard for these then maybe she will feel the pressure. In your heart of hearts, is this the problem? A lot of clever children don't have to work that hard for GCSE's. A realistic assessment of her GCSE chances might be in order and reassurance that GCSEs are not everything in life.

Would changing schools definitely change things? Y9 is a year where a lot of kids go from being happy-go-lucky children into too-cool-for-school cynical teenagers.

Has she said she wants more appreciation of her efforts and achievements or is it your speculation?

It's a difficult one. I went to a poor to average state comprehensive so I was top of my year in practically every subject, could play in the orchestra even though I was really very average on the cello and was in the netball and athletics teams despite bring only averagely sporty. I came out with loads of confidence and had the best time at school.

One of my best friends at Uni went to Haberdashers, got great academic results but always felt inferior and had no confidence at all. It's the problem of being in a very academic and highly competitive environment. My dd goes to a very academic indie but doesn't feel the pressure like my friend did so is very happy there.

You need to decide if your dd would regain her confidence in a comprehensive or whether you would prefer her to stay in the more academic institution that she is in now.

Sounds like sorting out the social side of things might make her enjoy and engage with school a bit more. Presumably the groups will reshuffle a bit for Year 10 with GCSEs? Is there anything extra-curricular that would excite her a bit and she could join in with too? If she's good at DT something like behind the scenes stuff for drama, or jewellery making? Being a bit cynical at school is fine, but to be honest she needs to build on her strengths over the next couple of years with half an eye on uni applications/CVs etc.

My heart goes out to your dd.
This makes me think of Malcolm Gladwell's latest book, David and Goliath. There is a chapter about university choices. The empiricle evidence shows that kids in universities where they could be the head of the class where more likely to succeed and stick to their dreams. Apparently, being an average student at Harvard is dispiriting.

We judge ourselves by our immediate peer group, and fail to look at the bigger picture. Adults make this mistake, so of course adolescents do too.

Oh dear! Trying to type on a phone.

errata:

The empirical evidence shows that kids in universities where they could "be the head of the class" were more likely to succeed and stick to their dreams.

Presumably its a good school? I am sorry that your dd seems to have lost confidence but taking her out because she's not top in all subjects seems a bit dramatic. You may find she's not the brightest and best at the comp either - don't mean to sound mean but that could be a reality and worth thinking about.

Tbh she sounds a bit like my year 9 dd - cynical and sarcastic. I think they are just finding their way. dd has sport which she does a lot of in and out of school which she loves. LIke your dd she doesn't have a really close friend but the teachers don't see that as a problem, in fact the opposite.

What does the school say about your dd?

Thanks for your really helpful thoughts. I will chat to her. Actually she's a bit scary at the moment, I'm treading on egg shells etc most of the time, so will have to steel myself; I think school places aren't available in the two local comps though. I do think she's going through a bit of a 'too cool for school' phase generally; I just hope it does not spill out into anything more emo and her Jack Dee persona becomes 'I hate the world'.

Fundamentally I think we should have opted for the comp and not seen the other as a glittering prize (with around 10% of girls getting into this school we got a bit blinded), and hindsight is a marvellous thing.

Mrs Gherkin - what would moving achieve? She isn't top of her class now and is demotivated. If you move her would she be top of the class in the other school? The standard of work and the expectations might be different, so possibly - but is this what you want? There is huge pressure in every school. And how would she settle? 'Soul mates' cannot be forced; she may be liked by many but not have a particularly close friend yet. That's common too. My DD's very similar - and she is at a hothouse superselective so the pressure is on there too.

Next year she will be in her option classes for her subjects so she will be with a different group of people - that might help. She might have a different form tutor. She will become less dependent on the tutor as she grows up.

She sounds like so many girls of her age. She is questioning what is going on. My advice would be to keep her where she is.