Avoid Bullies or Send Child Elsewhere? - Thoughts Please

[JohFlow]

Our Choice:

Local Secondary school with bullies from previous primary (6 year hist. of severe and extensive bullying)

or

Out-Of-Area Secondary school with fresh start.

Which would you opt for?
Do children need to be in a completely separate environment to heal from past hurts?
Is planning to keep the parties separate in the same school ever satisfactory?

seeking views.....

We gave our son a fresh start at a secondary where he knew nobody. It has worked out really well for him. We had to go down the private route for him, at the nearest school to avoid any problems on public transport and for him to have less to cope with. I am glad we did, despite feeling perpetually broke.

Thank you for the encouragement Raisin. There are some natural reservations as to whether it will all work out. We also have to appeal to get him into the out of area school (and that comes with its own stressors and no guarantees). We think it is definitely worth the pop though!

We will also have to watch the pennies if DS goes to out-of-area school Quin. To be truthful at the moment; I am not sure how we will afford it. I think it will take that every penny we have will have to work harder. I am glad that your DS is doing better - good for you!

The only thing we have to consider for the out of area school is the bus cost and the fact that all his friends are now between 6 and 20 miles away.

Seems funny to say this - but our out of area school is only 2.8 miles away!

Oh right Joh. That's a bit better then. ours is 12 miles away and cost £550 a year for the bus.

£13/week for the bus here, so a bit over £500 for the year, too.
DS goes to a different secondary in another direction & that's £320/yr on the train; he can use the train pass to visit his friends on weekends so much better value.

A lot of families we know couldn't afford it. You only have choice in rural areas if you can pay the transport costs. 2.8 miles might be close enough to cycle (depends on road safety, obviously) which could work out cheaper.

I have to drive 6 miles to the bus stop and the bus does the next 6. Far from ideal, and even worse when he was on crutches and i was doing the 24 miles twice a day.

But worth it for him to be happy.

Can I ask people who have made the choice to move their DC into schools for a fresh start - what the healing phase contained?

i moved DS & I was moved. maybe 3 months of self-doubt & wobbles before they realise that the problems didn't follow them, and weren't really about them. Some of the other healing takes years if not forever.

We moved DD from a 'nice' small local church school where she was bullied to a small secondary about 15 miles away. It was what she wanted too.

She was nervous at the start, but settled down and made friends quickly although she is shy and a bit of an introvert.

Although she liked primary school, she became afraid of going in because of the bullying. In secondary, she couldn't wait to go back to school after the holidays. She is quite bright and we were afraid that she would underperform if she stayed with the bullies. In primary, she was physically ill from stress.

She loved her secondary school and has done well there. She is now doing AS levels. The only drawback is that her friends live a bit of a distance away, but we have no regrets.

My DS was ostracised and belittled by his class for years at primary school. This academic year, he started at a secondary school that no one else from his primary school had chosen. He was just so happy and relieved that he would never have to see his old classmates again.

I did worry that he would somehow carry the stigma of being an outcast with him and that the old toxic social dynamic would continue with a different set of children. But my fears were without foundation. He was very quickly accepted by his new classmates. They treat him like an ordinary guy, not a social pariah. Not one of them realised he was the boy nobody talked to or liked.

I do wonder what would have happened had some of his former classmates been around. The bullying contagion is a virulent one. One of the reasons I say that is because a new girl arrived in DS's class in Y5. Within 2 or 3 days, she was joining in with the rest telling DS to go away and get lost. She bought into the notion he was unlikeable without ever having had a conversation with him!

Whichever school you choose, I hope your lovely DS will experience the healing he deserves. There is every reason to be optimistic for him. Secondary school can be transformational for the child bullied in primary school.

Good Luck, OP!

what the healing phase contained?

Not that much extraordinary. Just a lot of time, and talking. We have a habit of me sitting on his bedside in the evening for a chat. Even when there is nothing to talk about, we always find something, and eventually when he is relaxed, all sorts of small worries and concerns come out into the open. We talk a lot in the car too. Sitting next to eachother is good. (Many) Boys are not that good at small talk and opening up, and eye-contact is not helping, so it helps not having eye contact. So the car is good, when I am driving and he is sitting next to me.

Build on all his good qualities and abilities. Children respect people that have good qualities and do stuff well, just like we do.

A lot of is explaining normal child behaviour. When you have a "damaged" child, they often think that normal banter is directed at them in a nasty way, they seem to lose the ability to distinguish between bullying and jest/banter so take minor things to heart. If a child laugh and call him a numpty if he stumbled over his own feet, this could easily be good natured, but my son would be very upset and think it malicious. So we had a lot of this type of discussions to begin with.

This is especially difficult with social media. Ds does not have Facebook, after a girl from his old class called him a C@nt at random. He has instagram, but I have access to his account and I have blocked all the boys from his old class, with one or two exceptions.
I am trying to shield him as much as possible from the kids from his old class, with the exception of a few girls that liked him and got on with him, and interaction with them seem to boost his esteem and feeling of belonging. I do not want the kids in his new school to pick up on how other children talk to him. A fresh start is a fresh start.

The other thing with instagram is that he "must" have it, in order to build on his new friendships, he does not want to be left out. But, he is not allowed to post much personal stuff, so as not to get comments he may not handle. He is a good photographer, and good at using photomanipulation apps, so he does that a lot, and get positive feedback on that. He is also playing minecraft, and feels that he has friends in this virtual community too.

He has joined a local kick boxing club, this allows him to develop friendships outside school, while at the same time builds stamina and strength so he does not have to feel bad for being out of shape compared to his peers.

My philosophy is to help him be the best that he can be, build on his interests and abilities, praise him and help him feel proud of himself.

It is difficult, because a big focus is on him in our family, but we also have a younger child, who needs time and attention too. Luckily he is very easy going and have never struggled the way our oldest has.

Good luck!

Excellent posts that articulate my own thoughts really very closely. Thank you

DS didn't really have a healing phase. He had a taster day at the new school and came out so happy and smiley. It was as if a weight had lifted, and it really was a fresh start away from all the things/people that were troubling him.

Excellent post QuintessentiallyQS

I would agree to the Fresh Start too.....

I do think you also need to coach your son and try and give him some guidance when he starts new school too.....

My DD was bullied in yr 5/6 and I could see why it was happening but could not seem to convey how she could avoid bullying ....but we talked allot through the summer holidays and when she started secondary school last year she re-invented herself adjusted her behavior to fall under the radar of the bullies (quietened down not so opinionated.. she was still herself but less prominent)

Just to add my experience of the healing phase:

Yes, I think there was a period of time when DS had just started at his new school when I could see that the memory of the old school was affecting him. For example, when the children were told to find a partner/group to work in. DS would freeze and do nothing, refusing to look at anybody and catch their eye. The teacher would end up having to assign him to a partner/group. At primary school the others had always refused to work with him and he was scared of being rejected. It took time for him to trust his new classmates enough to ask and time for him to realise that others would be happy to work with him.

He was so stiff and reticent in the early stages. Like your DS, OP, he had lacked the normal level of 'social practice' you would expect at primary school. The greatest factor in the healing process has not been anything he has done or I have done but has been the reactions of the other children towards him in his new school. They have been inclusive and friendly.

DS has improved so much since he started at the new school. His manner with people outside the family has become smoother and I think and hope he will continue to make progress in this area.

Lunchtime clubs are a good way of firming up friendships with classmates and meeting people outside the form too.

If there has been a significant length of time in which a child's social development has been arrested, then there is likely to be a period of readjustment even when more fortuitous conditions are established. But I think you will be surprised by just how much healing can take place without you or your DS doing very much consciously at all!

We did the out of area choice for my son. i felt that he would be a target from when he started at High school for other chikdren as well as the ones originally bullying as he had developed a demeanor that would draw the wrong sort of attention. By that I mean that he tended to skulk about head down trying to be invisible but actually being the opposite.

Like you, we gave him input and guided him with our views and said that ultimately we would choose as we were the adults and had a bit more life experience. he did have a couple of friends that were going to the catchment school.

Additionally, the non catchment school was more academic and a "better fit" for him anyway. It has a much higher "geek" ratio than his catchment school which focusses more on sports as that fits better with their catchment.

Anyway, for him it has worked well, he is gradually becoming more and more relaxed and has made new friends. It does stick in my craw a bit that I am now the one having to ferry him to and from school for 6 years (no public transport) while the parents of the bullies don't have that hassle or expense.

I also wrestled with the point that did it mean that the bullies had effectively won as they had chased him away and was that a bad life lesson? I view it now though that the best revenge is to live a good life and he now has the opportunity to do that.

In your situation I'd definitely put the out-of-area school down at choice no.1.

However, I would be a little careful about how much you say to your son - you may end up being given the more local school (just because you choose a school, doesn't mean you'll get it), and if you've been emphasising the positives about the out-of-area school (fresh start, freedom from the bullies, etc.,), it's going to be worse for your son if he doesn't get the school that you hoped for.

Was going to vote for fresh start too, but I also think that the out of area school sounds lovely in its proactive approach to relationships. Sounds as if a move there could do him the world of good.

Can I also recommend karate/martial arts classes too? (as long as the local bullies don't already go there!) My ds was bullied and the focus of his karate class was on self defence and on building up self esteem. There were a number of non sporty kids who joined and found that they excelled. He never had to use his skills outside of the class, but felt much more confident, also made some good friends there, outside of school, and loved going.

Outwith your post made me cry.

So pleased your DS is having a good time in secondary and has left those bullies behind.

Fresh start all the way!

I was bullied through primary school and I told my parents that I wanted to go to a secondary school away from everyone at my primary school. I felt that was the only way I could move forwards (my parents also liked the school I wanted to go to). I have never regretted that decision and will always be thankful to my parents for letting me have a clean break. I think it helped me move forwards and start to concentrate on my studies again rather than being distracted by the bullies.

Another thing to add is that my son has let it all go a lot quicker than me. He went from a boy who at age 10/11 was displaying asperger traits at school (though not at home) and wanting to come and sleep in our bed to now he is an almost 14 year old who is starting to hold his head high, smile properly with teeth showing rather than a head down closed mouth smile. He has a nice group of like minded friends and has started being able to contribute to the group chat rather than only speaking to answer questions - he will now ask friends things without too much of a problem. he is still quite quiet but recently stood up in class and gave a 3 minute talk - last year he froze on the spot and wouldn't speak at all.

He had got out of the way of speaking in class and would never volunteer any answers in case people made fun of him and used it as ammunition :(

We also got this book:

www.amazon.co.uk/gp/product/1608821870/ref=pd_lpo_sbs_dp_ss_2?pf_rd_p=479289247&pf_rd_s=lpo-top-stripe&pf_rd_t=201&pf_rd_i=1572242167&pf_rd_m=A3P5ROKL5A1OLE&pf_rd_r=0907WNCYKK88MATZK056

which is helping too.

He seems to have moved on and is growing into a quiet but more confident young man - it seems a lifetime ago since he was that scared child.

On the other hand I could still quite happily punch in the faces of the bullies and I need to take a leaf out of his book really and let it go