At the end of my tether: no sanction harsh enough for yr 7 DD

[PermaShattered]

I need help. My 12 year old is in Yr 7 (first high school year). Her behaviour has rapidly gone downhill at school. She gets detentions regularly (2x yesterday) for throwing things, and other incidents, for forgetting homework, uniform breaches, etc. The school is, as far as i can tell, dealing with it really well. But i've just taken a call from head of year who i have met with previously about my DD. She was with DD and it's clear she doesn't care what sanctions she receives. As head of yr said, it's very concerning that a year 7 pupil doesn't care if the most severe sanctions are imposed.

Her behaviour at home is also bad. Essentially, she has no respect for authority, whether home or at school. Any advice will be so welcome.

I agree with Mart I certainly wouldn't be pinning much hope on a place at a grammar school. The OP's behaviour is clearly spiralling down, frankly moving schools may not really resolve it. Parents often understandably do this hoping it will work but sadly IME it often doesn't. I personally would be pushing for a CAMHs ref, if the school is being helpful and supportive and are listening (many don't and this is worth a lot if they are) and will work with CAMHs, the OP and her DD then it might be beneficial to stay put and address the OP's DD issues.

I am as sure as I can be that the whole school place debacle must have affected her far more deeply than anyone knew.it must have been such a stressful time for everyone. And, however much you didn't want to to, I bet other people in her class know about it- or she thinks they do.

You know, if she was mine, she might develop a nasty virus and have to have a week off school- and I would get it too and have to have a week off work. And we would have 5 duvet days together, just to see if having time to catch her breath might help at all.

thanks all for your comments and sorry i've not had a chance to update. Will hopefully later. For now, meeting went well. DD was so much better yesterday - today it's downhill again, and after a good 36 hours or so, i've had a horrendous time with her. More when i can!

Apologies for the absence, madly busy! The meeting at school went well. Whilst not having any experience of children being a problem at school, I don't think i could be more impressed with the way they are dealing with the situation. The head of yr is very good with DD, firm but working alongside her rather than authoritarian. She made it clear to her that it's unusual both to have to put a yr 7 on head of yr report, and v unusual to have to have the parents in for a yr 7 behaviour problem. That upset her, which can only be a good thing.

She said CAHMS are only involved with mental health issues, and counselling via the school is resources stretched and those with major emotional problems take priority which is fair enough. She suggested going via GP which we're considering. She also suggested having a mentor - an older child in the school that she may feel more able to open up to. So she's looking into that.

On the counselling front, our pastor (ie vicar!) is being really supporting and is going to counsel her too.

Her behaviour is improving. The problem is there's a pattern of 24-48 hours improvement then deterioration again. One class is particularly a problem for her - unfortunately, because her behaviour in that particular class has been worse than in others, i think the teacher has no respect or patience for her now and she says he's punished her for things she hasn't done. We'll see what happens this week.

Behaviour at home is similar - we had a good 24 hours, then WW3 broke out.

A friend has suggested a change of school - just to break the cycle. I'm wary of that as we don't consider the school to be the issue. Actually, DD mentioned the GS yesterday for first time for a very long time and said: "I keep wondering, I was at the GS maybe i wouldn't be like this." It's catch 22 really.

I do like the thought of a duvet day! Sadly, i have toooo much work to get through before half term holiday in Cornwall :) That will do us good i think!