Thanks so much for your comments and advice. Shortly, me and her dad are going to school to meet head of year so we’ll see what comes out of that .
In response to you all (sorry for length!):
Sanctions clearly aren't working. And look as if they will only push her into an ever esclating defiance against them. Maybe. I think there’s truth in this. But is the alternative to sanctions, effectively saying it’s ok to behave/speak disrespectfully? I’d never have dared to speak to my parents the way she speak to me and my husband!
She does try hard at school with her work, she loves to do her homework! In fact, I’ll have to ban tv on a Saturday more often as spent all day doing a fabulous Egypt project ? She’s getting great marks (the marks etc I mentioned earlier are her sister’s – sorry this wasn’t clear).
Clubs: She goes to a fantastic club Tues nights (she went last night – an exception to the current being grounded rule as it does her so much good). It was specifically set up for older children with low selfesteem and they do drama, singing, etc – at Christmas/Easter they go to hospitals and old people’s homes singing Christmas/Easter carols, do concerts etc. In summer they are doing show songs.
She does have an excellent singing voice which the group leader has commented to me on. Something her sister doesn’t. I’ve been thinking about singing lessons to build on this. But we’re already paying for piano lessons for 3 children, and viola for the eldest and violin for this DD! Wish I had a money tree!
Getting away on my own with her would be so hard. I have 4 children and juggling everything is tough (I run my own business too). HOWEVER! Next Friday she is the only child at home because of polling day – so I will plan something for her.
CAMHs – I’m going to ask school about this, and also (as my mum suggested) school psychologist.
Can you debunk the importance of GS with her - eg point out perfectly possible to go to very good unis from comps (I did) So did I. GS doesn’t seem to be an issue with her – she v rarely mentions it, it just doesn’t seem to be an issue at all. I think what IS an issue is the anger, disappointment, etc that was caused by what happened, that it’s had a far greater effect that what we imagined.
Our 2nd choice school is a possibility but she’s not shown a preference when she’s mentioned changing schools. BTW she’s not heard anything critical from us about her current school – quite the opposite. We’re really impressed how they are dealing with the situation.
LaVolvcan nowhere near Kent and not London ;) I don’t think she is being stretched enough. In fact, she has confessed that in English she’s deliberately disruptive so she can be sent to another class where she will actually learn something.
Elsie thanks for sharing, that is really usefully and I’m sorry to hear what you had to go through. I feel like I’ve run a marathon sometimes by 9am. And there are times when the stress of dealing with DD have made me ill. And feeling positively murderous! Thing is, if this school was making her unhappy I don’t think she’d be happy actually going to school in the morning.
Yes, the school does know what happened last year, and the head of year was pretty shocked when I told her. They also know of her sleep problems so accept that very occasionally she will be late into school.
Sashh you may well be spot on, particularly with the first few comments. Her sister rarely has caused us issues, and yes, she’s a top student. And DD sees this. I think there is jealousy in addition to everything else. But she knows we love and care for her as much as older sis and her two little brothers, and we praise her when she’s done well/good behaviour etc. But I think I’m going to ask the school to set more challenging work – maybe that will focus her mind more.
I’ll come back later, when had meeting at school and update. Thanks all, appreciated!