Can both parents working FT support x4 dcs thru education? Or am I deluded?

[deepest]

We are really struggling to make this work ie increasing teenage emotional issues (I have 4) alongside more demanding/stressful academic support required from us, .... us getting older, more tired, less energy ..... with very intense careers I feel it is a mad hamster wheel that it spinning out of control. Too much is a stake and this is not sustainable need to throw in the towel or drastically cut hours....has anyone else changed how they live and work when their kids hit secondary school this is much harder to manage that when they were little....

Do you or your dh have the option to cut hours?

We haven't (quite - dd starts in Sept) hit secondary school yet, but for years dp and I have both worked 28 hour weeks (at least nominally, even if some weeks it doesn't quite work out like that). If it's possible (and affordable) for either or both of you to reduce your hours a bit, we've found it helps hugely. We're lucky that we both work for companies that accept people working reduced hours in relatively senior roles, and it gives us a really good balance of rewarding career / family time.

In the past ten days, I've had to do the following, all during normal working hours:

1. Pick child 4 up from school after a head injury, also take him to be checked out by dr & dentist (three appts in total)

2. Make numerous phone calls regarding child 3, who is a witness in a case at Crown Court. Witness Care only open during office hours.

3. Have an hour-long meeting at school about child 1 and his mental health issues, another appt at GP and referral to CAMHS.

Child 2 required no input of this type this week, but he has ASD and ADHD, so we rarely go more than a month without meeting with paediatrician, GP, SENCo or LSAs.

I am very fortunate in that I only work part-time, for a company that is understanding and flexible. I don't envy those families where an only parent or both parents are working full-time. They must be praying that none of their children develop health problems or emotional difficulties.

We both worked FT with 4 DC. Perhaps it depends on what you do and whether there is a commute involved. I didn't get involved too much with the academic side - they just got on with it themselves - Altho DC4 was a PITA the latter end of secondary and at one point we were getting daily p/calls about his behaviour.

Amber - your set up sound idyllic - thats what we shoudl be aiming for rewarding career and family time balance. I will ask to reduce my hours down to 4 days.....and threelannisters my 3rd has SEN as well as severe behavioural probs and is under CAMHS...I think that this is the part that is so emotionally draining and challenging - that I should be around more for her.

and yes we both commute and hour and half each way each day by car in traffic round M25 (tho I now leave home at 6am to reduce this).

We were both really affected by the recession (both unemployed at different times) so have clung on to the FT jobs as if the other hadnt been working when the other was out of work it would have been a disaster.....but things are more solid now - so we could look at cutting hrs and downsizing the house etc if necessary. Otherwise I just feel taht we are limping from year to year and its now or never to get it right with the kids.

Could your husband ask to drop to 4 days too?

I think it's the combination that makes it worse - the behaviour issues, and not only working FT, but also an hour and a half commute each way - that's the killer for me. If you weren't commuting for 3 hours a day, imagine what you could do with that extra time.

Personally, I don't think a 4 day week is a good option, as there is very often an expectation that you will continue to do all of the job- I think you have to go down to 3. However, with the very high tax allowances now, it might not have as much impact on your salary as you might think - you would certainly earn a lot more than 3/5 of what you bring home now unless, I suppose, you earn a very, very high salary.

I am definitely of the 'work to live, not live to work' train of thought and it sounds as if your work / life balance is dire - how realistic either changing jobs or going PT is, though, depends on so many different factors. Well worth it if you can.

Even one or two days of your week working from home would help considerably - if that is possible in your line of work?

I really feel for you. We have both worked full time since ours were 6 and 9. They are 16 and 19 now!

The only reason it worked throughout the teenage years is because we only have two and neither are/were very much trouble. If I hadn't worked locally and been able always to commit to get them off in the mornings it would never have worked. I can leave work at 6.15pm - people think I work hard and be home by 6.30.

The other thing that has helped has been subcontracting the tedious stuff such as cleaning and laundry (I would frankly rather work an extra day/half day not to have to do it).

Even so with a DH with full on hours and a full time job the last year with both the DC at home was become too demanding in the context of sheer labour and organisation.

I truly take my hat off to you if you have managed to juggle all this for so long. Could you find work more locally - less tiring and might be worth it even if it means a cut in salary.

Between you you are commuting 6 hours a day! That is an immense amount of time and pressure. Can you work from home at least one day a week? Look for work closer to home? Cut hours and downsize your spending somewhere?

I am not surprised you are overwhelmed and frazzled.

It sounds really tough. I have 3 DCs - not teens yet but not tinies either - and I work 30 hours over 5 days. We have an au pair and it's ok but it's mighty busy for the AP as well as for me. DP works full time. I think we would really struggle if neither of us could be here after school as there's so much to fit in between 3.30 and 8pm. Mind you the DCs have 14 after school activities between them so it's mostly our own fault!

I think NOT, or not successfully. And I say this as a teacher and a mum ( obvs!)

It is so easy to take your eye off the ball, even with the most well adjusted, educationally able kids.

Drink, drugs, mental health issues, friends, revision, its ALL GOING ON.

Often you find kids of parents like this can be attention seeking, find it hard to resolve friendship issues and resent their parents always working, even if the parents try and justify by muttering about skiing holidays [hm]

I also think Eduardo that DC with parents like that understand a wOrk ethic and are better organised because mum simply can't run in with homework. My dd has actually said to me "I understand about homework because you work at home and I like it when we sit and work together".

If you wish to criticise, I assume you don't have DC and wouldn't work if you did bearin in mind that all teachers work 11/12 hours a day and all day Sunday

loads of DC and more than one job - but you carry on assuming

I have 3, 2 teens and I'm a SAHM.

I think it is possible to have 4 and work fulltime - BUT not if you have less than "easy" children. I have told mine that I will collapse if they all have a crisis at the same time. I can and have coped with 2 having crisis at the same time, but don't think I could have if I'd been working (especially FT). (Admittedly my DH is often out of the country which makes things trickier for us.)
In some ways its easier when they are younger, as you can hire a Nanny or Au Pair.
I would look seriously at your work life balance, and try to improve that. You are doing a lot of commuting, more working at home/flexible working would help.
Also if you are having issues with DC3, how are you going to cope if she is in crisis? I think you will cope better if at least one of you is much closer to her.

My DH and I worked FT when my three were at secondary school. It nearly killed me.
I was constantly stressed and didn't sleep for months. I would only suggest it to others if 1) they have absolutely no choice, or 2) they have local family support. Anything else is an absolute nightmare.

post by law reported for spam