Worried sick about my Year 9 DD - advice from teachers/parents appreciated

[DaisytheStrange]

My 13 year old DD transferred to another high school this on Monday, after 18 months of low level bullying at her old school. I was very unsure whether was the right thing to do, as she was doing very well academically at her old school - top student in top set for all subjects etc. I tried to persuade her to stay and asked her school for help, but nothing was done and she was so desperate to go, I reluctantly agreed, despite finding it difficult to afford the expensive bus journey to the new school - she used to walk to her local school.

I now think I've made a horrible mistake by allowing her to move - she arrived during the end of Year 9 test period and because the curriculum is very different she has not performed well and has been downgraded to lower sets. She feels totally crushed by this - she told me that her academic performance was the one thing that gave her any pride at school, and now this has been taken away from her. She says the maths and science she is now doing is primary school level but nobody will believe her that she is capable of better.

Whilst the bullying has now gone, she still feels like a social leper. She has always found it hard to make friends and other children seem to find her odd and tend to avoid her. It seems that the change of schools has not changed this. She is a quiet and deep-thinking child who is not very interested in typical Teenager stuff, but she is also very caring and funny. It hurts that she feels like such an outsider.

She is now asking me whether she should go back to her old school. I don't know what to do for the best. Her old school were quite curt with me when I told them she wanted to leave, and I'm worried the bullying and social exclusion might get even worse she goes back. My daughter showed me a horrible message a 'friend' had posted the day after she left the school, calling her a "f**g piece of sht". However, my DD now says she is willing to put up with all this for the sake of her education.

Does anyone have any advice, because I feel helpless and guilty and at a loss about this. I just don't know what to do for the best.

I think you need to contact the Head of year or another senior person and go into the school to talk this through. I think it is acceptable to say that you think your daughter is in the wrong sets as your DD did well before.

I also think the school need to be aware of the friendship issues, there must be things they can do in class when they arrange groups etc to try and help her. Perhaps give her something to do at lunchtime like help out in the library if she is left alone.

Some schools have mentors from 6th form etc to help with academic and pastoral matters, does that exist at the school? One of my children goes to a school where they have counsellors available and also a psychologist, perhaps that might help - your daughter seems to have very low self esteem?

Can't the LEA/council help with the bus fare?

Little bit confused. Did she start the new school this week? If so then she really does need to give it more than 4 days to pan out, especially if they are approaching the Easter break.
However, with regard to the assessments, do make an appointment to see the Head of Year to go through her test results. This will depend a lot on the academics of her peers at the new school, top set in one school may mean middle set in another, but find out where they took her levels from and whether the other school has passed on accurate information.
If after this meeting she is still in the lower sets then it is up to her to prove in the next assessments and in her work that she should be in the other group.

Allowing her to think she can go back to the other school won't help her to settle in, its also worth remembering that it maynot be possible anyway as you would have to do a new 'in year' application to the old school.

Find out what pastoral support is available at the new school and make the head of year aware that shes having a few problems settling.

she arrived during the end of Year 9 test period and because the curriculum is very different she has not performed well and has been downgraded to lower sets. She feels totally crushed by this - she told me that her academic performance was the one thing that gave her any pride at school

Go and see the new school:
(1) Fight her corner on the setting: she may have not performed well in the tests but you will have SATs and CATs results to show them. That proves potential - now ask the school what she has to do to to prove achievement and get promoted back up the sets. Try to change DD's mindset from 'crushed' to 'grr, I'll show them!'. It's at this age that attitude and effort really start to count, and separates the achievers from the could-have-beens.
While you are at it, find out about implications for GCSE options.
(2) Ask for help on the friendship / settling-in thing.

I would contact school and arrange to go in and see them. They may not have had any information from her previous school. Take in copies of school reports and work she has produced for them to look at.

You need to tell them how she is feeling about being in the bottom sets and get them to explain why to both you and your DD. Also definatley tell them abount previous bullying and ask them what support they can provide for her.

Although it must seem like a life time to you and your DD 4 days most probably isn't long enough to tell whether or not she will be happy there.

Don't forget she left her previous school because of the bullying and how unhappy she was. If she were to return the bullying (however low level) will most probably reappear and as you already know, one of her old 'friends' had no hesitation in posting unpleasant comments about her as soon as she had left.

At my DD's school any new pupils joining mid year are automatically put in a lower set in order for the school to work out where they should be.

Your DD arrived into a very new environment, was faced with tests from a curriculum which she had not been studying previously whilst at the same time also trying to make friends/be friendly towards a whole set of new people.

I too would suggest you contact the school and discuss the situation with them. As she is a deep thinking, quiet, caring girl maybe the school could point her in the direction of a club or society where she may meet others like herself. On the academic side - tell the school of your/her concerns. Unfortunately, however able your DD is the new school needs proof of her ability so really encourage her to do as well as she can in the current sets. Do all the work, do more than is expected, show she is eager and able to learn.

I actually wonder how unhappy she really was at her old school. She is now very quickly unhappy at this one. She is somewhat dictating to you and I think she needs to decide what matters most. Her old friends may think she is a bit weird coming back but you need to make a decision and stick with it. Did you not find out the curriculum at the new school before she started? Top set in one school does not mean top set in another. You must have realised this could be the case. Also, girls can be unpleasant and you will not stop it. It is a sad fact. Your DD needs to build up resilience and make friends with girls more like her. If she was doing well why would low level bullying be such a huge issue as it had not affected her work? My DDs received texts like this. They just sneered at the senders and moved on. We know who had the higher moral ground. These stupid girls are not worth the effort of acknowledgement. Nor should they have your DDs phone number. Change it!!!

my dd has joined a new school mid year year 9 and it has been difficult ....the "buddy system" only lasted a day... now after I ahve asked for help they being a bit more on the ball with support.

find out about lunchtime clubs
find out about pastoral care/counsellors etc
tell her she has to give it until the end of summer term before making a decision to go back.

has she made her gcse choices already at the new school?

What tests was she given? If she's in Y9 then was she given SATs papers? I'd be surprised if she managed to sit them in the 4 days she has been at school.

If they were trying to assess her level of work with a general test, then it won't matter if the scheme of work is different between schools as the national curriculum and levels will be the same.

Find out if there will be Y9 exams after Easter, and if sets will be rearranged for Y10 based on the results of these.

Some very good schools start new children in lower sets so they can not have to worry about work when they are settling in. They then quickly get moved up. I would say that to your DD but check with the school and let them know that it is affecting her self esteem which is pretty low due to her previous school. Tough as it sounds she does need to develop some resilience and patience for settling into a new environment.

Maybe being in the top set isn't how she should she should gage her self-esteem? I was an unpopular kids and gaged my self-esteem on having the best grades out of anyone.

Could she think of her performance as how she well she has conquered the topics covered by GCSE instead of how she compares to other kids.

I'd also like to second summerends.

Tell her the set is not a measure of her ability or potential and doesn't really matter.

They might simply have chucked her in where there's space.

Thank you all for your replies - very helpful and very much appreciated.

She seemed a bit happier after school today and said she now wants to give the new school a chance and will try to prove her academic abilities to them. Apparently the tests she took were subject assessments, based upon work which had been covered during the term. However, next week they will be doing CATS, so maybe that will be her chance to show her true abilities... Also, her old school will be sending us her latest school report, tomorrow, so that should be helpful too.

EDIT: Was interrupted by the phone. Her HOY, who seems lovely, telephoned to say dd was in tears today about not being able to make friends or relate to any of the children. She asked me whether I've ever considered having her assessed to see if she might be on the autistic spectrum. (I don't think she is...) They are going to sort out some counselling for her, which is good of them.

I'm so touched by your story. As hard as it is to be a victim of bullying, with the right support you can come out of it with strength with the right support.

HOY sounds lovely, so does your daughter.

But I know it must be hard as mum to have your child go through this and my heart breaks for you

It appears the new school is aware of the problem and taking action. Meanwhile, here's some advice about how to cope with on-line bullying.

www.nhs.uk/Livewell/Bullying/Pages/Cyberbullying.aspx

I used to deal with bullying incidents when I was a teacher (now retired). Some advice which might be useful (besides the obvious stuff about keeping staff informed) although how effective they are will depend on your daughter's personality (some kids found the first two helpful while others thought they were useless):

1 Imagine your wearing giant ear muffs which cut out horrible remarks.
2 Give the bullies an invisible curse of the middle finger.
3 Carry something to keep you occupied: eg a book or magazine to read
4 Find somewhere safe to go to break times - the school I was at allowed pupils into the canteen where there was always a teacher on duty (as well as the canteen staff).
5 Start a conversation with another solitary child - not easy, I know, but other children will be feeling the same.

Daisy, before I read your post I was thinking this clever girl may well have aspergers. Doesn't matter if she has but it might help explain things a bit. You may or may not want a label for her but it sounds like her head of year is good and things can be sorted out.

I suspect once she gets on top of the new work she will do fine where she is and not really easy to move her back to her other school.

Why does it matter to her to have friends? A good few children don't need or want friends. Counselling might help which the school are offering. Crying at school in year 9 is unusual as you know people will see and it will make things worse which again suggests she might not be overly aware of how people react to things and perhaps goes with the possible diagnosis.

@JaneinReading What you wrote about not all children wanting or needing friends is interesting... do you have any experience of this, which you could relate? My DD is convinced she is the only friendless child in the school and feels like a social outcast. It's hard to know whether she is in fact solitary by nature and would feel quite happy about this, if it wasn't considered somehow 'deviant' from the norm...

She has decided she will make the best of her new school, and work her way up to top sets again, because it would be awkward, to say the least, to return to her old school.

Thanks everyone for all your advice and comments

I think it's too early to expect her to feel settled, I moved my dd's a few years ago ( not high school age ), dd1 begged me to move her so in the end we moved them both, it took her a term to settle in to a new school and for the school to work out what level she was working at, it was a stressful term for all of us but was worth it, she is now happy and has a few more friends.

Oh, and dd1 has Aspergers so finds friendship and change in routine very hard, she will never have lots of friends and will always be a target to bullies what ever school she goes too.

She's only been there since Monday?

Lots of support and agree " make the best of it" . Re friends what about hobbies- does she have /can she be encouraged to do something out of school. It has always been a "lifeline" for mine- a different group of kids and something else that their self esteem can hang onto if school isn't going well- and vice versa.