Y10 report- have you had to do The Talk?

[Erebus]

We did tonight. DS1's (14 1/2) report is 'disappointing', 8 subjects remarked upon- 4 have a '1' (top) for effort, 4 have a '2' (doesn't always focus). 6 out of the 8 comments speak of 'lack of focus', 'falling back', 'distraction'... And there are 4 'C's and 4 'B's.

DS1 is, I genuinely believe and his past performance has indicated capable of 4 or 5 'A's, the rest 'B's. He has only ever got one or two '2's for effort to date, and he's in the second of 10 maths groups, for instance, in the academically top performing comp in the county. He's doing triple science (fast track), maths, Spanish, 2 x English, geog and a couple of techs. The Plan was a good 6th form college followed by a reasonable uni to do maybe Engineering (he's on board for this!).

So tonight we've had the 'Your future in your hands' talk.

I was calm, I was reasoned. But I am deeply worried! I need for DS to recognise how much rests on these GCSEs. His 'future' shouldn't hinge on them, but actually, in the mainstream (as is DS)- it does.

Anyone else had to do it?? Is it usual for a hormone-riddled 14 year old to waver like this? What did you say? How did you follow up? Measure progress? Generally approach it?

Advice needed! TIA.

I don't agree with pushing children and mapping out their lives. However the OP isn't doing that. The OP's approach is entirely sensible and an example of good parenting.

Lots of people who say back off tend to have high achieving children who tend to do well whatever the circumstances.

I do think you are a bit frantic. The entry requirements you posted are not as high as you're making them out. It's 5 A-C GCSEs. The only one you need an A or A in is maths, since he wants to do maths a-level. He can get a B in his science subjects and a C in other subjects and it's still all OK.

I fully understand that you want him to do well, but I don't think the national fixation with only A*s being OK is doing either you or your son (or anyone else for that matter) any good at all.

He is going to be absolutely fine.

he wants to 'do engineering' at uni. Southampton, in fact!

maybe he does.
Or maybe he doesn't.
Maybe he just fancies the idea of it.
I fancy winning £1million on the lottery.
Oh wait, I never even bought a ticket. So maybe I don't really want to after all.

Let us know in 18 months how you get on, OP. It sounds like you want to be a tiger mum so if that suits you, then fine.

(But then what do I know, I research at a non-RG Uni so my type must be big piles of poo )

Holiday- it's not a failing to have a bit of a life plan, short or long term. There's nothing whatever amiss with a DC who will have to make his A level choices in 8 months time having some sort of idea of what sort of future he sees for himself. You can be as sneery as you like about it- but maybe you fall into the camp of suddenly 'frantic' parents (many of whom you see on here!) who discover that they didn't understand how a CAF form works thus got no secondary school lined up, preferred or otherwise; or those who entirely want to blame the school when they discover their DC has hemmed themselves into an A level corner with few 'enabling' subjects to allow them over the threshold of a desirable uni, having done bugger all research, planning or steering themselves. Maybe.. There's a thread on here where our resident Admissions Expert, prhBridge, tells us that he gets frantic parents from a particular GS area whose DD passed the 11+ - but then who didn't know to put the GS first on their CAF. Thus weren't offered it, even though their DD was eligible.

So, to use your lottery ticket analogy, maybe DS wants to do engineering (type unspecified) at Southampton uni. I have no problem whatsoever with the specific of the location: if he gets grades good enough for So'ton, a whole raft of other establishments will also become open to him. If he aims high but lands a bit lower, maybe he'll even end up at your 'non-RG uni' Holiday ... But unlike you and your lottery ticket you didn't even bother to buy, DS has bought his in that he is studying 'enabling' subjects at school; however, he has hit a speed bump- that can happen when you're 14- and has agreed he needs some help which we and the school, in tandem with him, will provide.

If you call that 'tiger', sorry but your standards and expectations are way lower than mine! I loathe Gove but a teensy part of me does get his point about how endemic the acceptance of 'low academic standards' has become. When a parent who seeks to help steer a DC in a path they hoped they were following is labelled 'tiger', you can kind of see what he means.

I don't understand why your DS is expected to make his A level choices in 8 months time when he will only be at the end of year 10. No school I have ever worked in has operated like that and many are quite happy to be flexbile once results come in and students do better/worse than expected. I do think you need to try and calm down about it all as you seem to be getting very stressed out about it, which does make it hard to react calmly. It sounds as if your DS has reacted well to the points raised in his report. The best motivation for boys his age is self-motivation. Parental reaction can of course give kids a much needed kick up the arse but it rarely gives long term or lasting improvement - they have to want to do well themselves. As said before, I woud turn him lose on the UCAS site and let him see what he could be aiming for by researching unis and courses.

Exactly adoptmama. If they can't stand on their own two feet in year 10 and have to be managed through GCSEs then they will find it harder to stand on their own two feet in the sixth form. So do they need to be managed then? And where does it stop - at university, when they start work?

They have to want to do it for themselves - not because mum is telling them.

Oh come now, lots of 14 year olds need their parents telling them about lots of things.

We accept that they're not ready to stand on theirt own two feet about all manner of stuff! Why should academic qualifications be any different?

It's not about forcing DC to do things. It's about encouraging them to do the things that they know they reaslly should do so that they can have their ultimate goal.

We apply this to many aspects of a teen's life. We don't just give up because they ought to do it for themselves. We keep nudging until they're mature enough to take over the reigns.

adoptmama I don't understand why your DS is expected to make his A level choices in 8 months time when he will only be at the end of year 10. No school I have ever worked in has operated like that and many are quite happy to be flexbile once results come in and students do better/worse than expected.

Round here there are no 6th forms in schools, they are all separate 6th form colleges. You have to apply in the first term of y11 and state your intended A levels. You get an interview where you can discuss your choices and if necessary change them, and then hopefully get an offer from one or more colleges.

The thing is, that if you meet the requirements you are guaranteed a place on your chosen A levels but they make it very clear you may not be able to change your mind once you get your results. So really the pupils do need to have a pretty good idea in the first term of y11 what they want to study. Certainly we have already been doing quite a bit of discussing with our y10 DD, and have had conversations with her current teachers reagrding A level choices.

longfor Our DD also is not quite capable of managing all her GCSE work load for herself. She needs help scheduling things and the like. Hopefully by y12 she will be OK, but it would be in no ones interests for us to withdraw support now, she should be, as she is way better now than a year ago.

adopt - the deadline for application for Hants 6th Forms was, in 2013, Dec 13th (so, sorry, not 8 months hence- 9 months if this year's Y10s follow suit. here ). Teen has also made this point. Which is possibly why I am getting, if not 'stressed' but definitely very mindful of this.

longing "If they can't stand on their own two feet in year 10 and have to be managed through GCSEs then they will find it harder to stand on their own two feet in the sixth form." A genuine question- do you actually have teenage DC? High achieving girls? Or run-of-the-mill boys? The gap, nay- the gulf that separates 14 year olds from 16 is unimaginable for those who do, particularly for many boys. If you don't get this, sorry, but whilst I am prepared to debate and accept 'nuance' in other areas- in this one.... You. Just. Don't. Get. It. I don't often say this on MN, but frankly I find your assertion regarding leaving 14 year olds to get the chuff 'on-with-it' ridiculous, longing. Can you really not see the difference between a hormonally charged, confused, confronted 14 year old boy and him aged 18 or 19 at university?? I thing word agrees with me on this point...

I'd rather have low standards than get hysterical about directing someone else's life.

I you asked DS (yes I have my own pet underachieving 14yo boy!) he'd say I'm an incessant nag about his schoolwork, ha!

Do report back in 2-4 yrs. Am genuinely interested in how OP gets on.

*If you asked..., sodding autocorrect

OK, OK, now you're getting nasty. I didn't wish for anyone here to feel backed into that corner and hence feel the need to lash out. Your choice of words indicates to me that you feel threatened and I'm sorry if my posts have made you feel that way.

I don't feel my reaction is in any way -ahem- hysterical. It's that of a concerned parent who has recognised the need to step in where standing-on-the-sidelines-cheering where the outcome has not been 100% favourable.

You'll notice that every other poster who made a swipe at me has failed to respond when I've reiterated my position and have again explained why I am behaving the way that I am. This indicates one of 2 things: They actually now understand where I'm coming from and concur; or they were amateur 'trolls' determined to have a pop at something they didn't understand, or was not part of their mindscape, but couldn't be arsed to engage me in debate as they'd 'had their fun'. MN has a lot of that.

Following what happened, my DS does not think I am a nag,let alone 'incessant'. I pick my fights carefully. Because I don't 'nag', I explain, I encourage, I assist, I intervene, I discipline. He is bright enough, and we enjoy a solid-enough relationship for him to recognise that my intervention is entirely to his benefit. I'm not doing it out of spite or for fun. DS said, when I told him that DH and I would actually have to be overseeing his homework from here on in ...'Good'. He's happy someone is grabbing hold of a tiller to his boat that was evidently swinging in the wind, somewhat.

So, you stick with your low standards, I'll stick with my stewardship of a slightly-adrift 14 year old. And no, you're not genuinely interested in the outcome, you want me to eat humble pie as that's the only thing you can perceive will come of this.

I get where you are coming from Erebus. DD is also Year 10. We had a deal if she got 1's for effort I would leave her to her own devices. Last report was the first 2, a bollocking from one teacher at parents evening or ty first time ever. Note in planner from Maths teacher that she is in danger of going down a Maths set and a detention for not doing Geography homework properly.

Warning bells going off loudly so we have said we would like to see all Maths, Science and Geography homeworks before they go in and will be testing her on revision she is supposed to have done before the next tests. Plus impressed on her to ask if she isn't sure about something .

I too am mindful of the fact that come September the 6th form open days start. She doesn't know what she wants to do which I have said is fine and she can look at things to keep her options open. But that she will need to have C's in Maths and Science so needs to consider that.

There's still a fair bit of time till the bulk of the exams but I don't want this to be the beginnings of a downwards spiral so am going to keep on top of things with a firmer hand than before, without going overboard.

Well I personally don't think there is anything wrong with nagging 14 year olds who don't put the required effort in at school. Isn't that what parents are supposed to do? DD1 was a nightmare at the same age as she didn't seem to have any concept of 'the future' and lived completely in the present I think being in year 11 helps as GCSEs start to seem real then but for now I'd be dangling some sort of carrot for an improved set of effort grades.

I'm sorry you need to attack me Erebus. Yes, I do have children. I even have teenage boys - 3 of them in fact. The youngest is in year 10. I've never left any of them to, what was it, "get the chuff on with it". I support and encourage and am always there to offer advice and help wherever I can. You can supervise homework every night, but at the end of the day, if the motivation isn't there it won't make much difference.

1. Boys often just don't cope with deadlines/time pressure. Therefore don't make out that his entire life depends on this.
2. Make sure he knows how to efficiently revise. Time does not equal quality.
3. Give him a clear structure to revise in ie 30 min doing "whatever" (one basic skill) and then check his understanding.

Talk to him about why this is important. You might want to add stats about wages of educated vs uneducated, the cost of living (rent, bills, fun, travel, girlfriend) and therefore you want him to do his best.

1. But mostly just love him anyway. Maybe he's just not mature enough yet or maybe his real strengths lie elsewhere (non-assessed skills)

Sorry if I'm patronising. Mum nagged me to death and it made no difference to be honest. It wasn't till I grew up a bit that I took it seriously.

Crikey Erebus. If you are up for a fight with your ds as much as you have been on this thread then I think your battle with your boy is all but lost. 14 year olds are hard - I know, I've done it twice with two completely different personalities. Whatever the personality it's about picking your battles and baby steps and keeping them onside. Please don't alienate your son into agreeing with you for a quiet life and doing something entirely different behind the scenes. You will find out about that too late.

Um- I use MN so as not to blow my stack with DS, much though I feel like doing so. I recognise that it will entirely counter-productive. You'll notice that if I can indeed be accused of 'a fight'- it's been entirely here on MN against posters who seem to think that I'm being 'hysterical' for even recognising that I need to step in, as a parent, to assist my DS towards his goals. I haven't 'fought' with DS, as I've explained in my posts in this thread. See the difference?

Thanks to all those who came on offering constructive input.