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Secondary education

Connect with other parents whose children are starting secondary school on this forum.

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Original poster

Advice on explaining rejection letters for 11+

37 replies

bickie · 05/02/2014 23:31

DD's letters for 11+ are starting to arrive. She sat 5 - So far 2 no's and a waiting list. 1 isn't a surprise (stretch school - but head thought worth a shot) and 2 are (her head teacher said advised us before sitting them she should easily get in to them based on her results at school and the calibre of girls that got an offer in other years.) Her preparation was good if not over the top, she wasn't tutored and she felt she did well in the exams and interviews so I have been pretty relaxed and not really prepared her for being rejected by all schools. Tonight she cried her eyes out before finally going to sleep. She is worried about going to school tomorrow and says she is embarrassed and feels stupid . She has 2 more we are waiting for - but now I am getting seriously worried. How on earth do you help a 10 year old understand this situation?

OP posts:

QueenoftheSarf · 07/02/2014 22:08

Perhaps you should explain that the education system in this country is very unfair and that, due to a post code lottery, thousands of children across the country don't even get the chance to sit an exam to attend an elitist state funded school.

Even if she didn't pass, she was luckier than most to even have the opportunity to try.

ReallyTired · 07/02/2014 22:33

"Even if she didn't pass, she was luckier than most to even have the opportunity to try."

Bollox! Trust me my son would not be jelous! I think he would show more empathy.

We are talking about a little girl who tried her hardest and failed. She needs a hug and doesn't need to be told how lucky she is.

QueenoftheSarf · 07/02/2014 22:52

Noting to do with being jealous. Just highlighting the equality of the system. I honestly think that some people are not aware that not all children even have the opportunity to try their hardest to get into what effectively amounts to a state funded private school.

Not saying that the OP can't hug and comfort her DD though. I can appreciate that it must be extremely tough on her - particularly if this means she will be separated from friends etc as a result. Indeed, one thing about this whole 11+ system is the pressure and weight of expectation it places on children who are sadly made to feel like failures if they don't pass.

QueenoftheSarf · 07/02/2014 22:52

*inequality of the system

tiggytape · 07/02/2014 23:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

QueenoftheSarf · 07/02/2014 23:17

Private schools are elitist and if people want to spend their money on providing their children with an expensive, elitist education, that's entirely a matter for them.

All state provided education however, should be free, inclusive and not elitist. Grammar schools, by their very nature, are elitist and the 11+ exams seek to weed out the most able students. This allows certain children to attend a state funded school which is elitist.

The state should bring an end to the policy of providing elitist education through the grammar school system which still exists in certain counties.

tiggytape · 07/02/2014 23:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

YoureInMySystemBaby · 07/02/2014 23:59

Here here TiggyTape!

nessus · 08/02/2014 00:09

OP, you could always say to her that there is always 13+ entry (if she is super keen and doesn't get a place this round). And yes big hug and treats for the wait-list as that is something in itself.

RiversideMum · 08/02/2014 07:47

If you are putting your child in for entrance exams, they need to know at the start that there is no guarantee that they will get a place at any of the schools.

Shootingatpigeons · 08/02/2014 12:13

Whenever it comes to exam time in this house, and let's be clear 11 was a breeze (there are a lot of good private schools in SW London, it is just that they get put into ridiculous notional league tables in people's Heads, which means the ones perceived as at the top get to be most selective and it is a self fulfilling prophecy. They are all capable of getting A* for bright girls and enabling your DD to achieve your potential, even the ones that are barely selective), we go into cliche mode "you can only do your best" " If you fail it doesn't matter you will still go to a good school /sixth form/ university one way or another" " Que Sera, sera"

ReallyTired · 08/02/2014 17:05

"All state provided education however, should be free, inclusive and not elitist. Grammar schools, by their very nature, are elitist and the 11+ exams seek to weed out the most able students. This allows certain children to attend a state funded school which is elitist. "

There are arguements for and against selective education. Each of us has opinons shaped by our own life's experience. IMHO there are good arguements for and against state grammars. The present comprehensive system has less social mobility than the 1950s.

Life is often competitive with people competeting for the best jobs or universities or in business. Failing entrance exams is not the end of the world and the sun will rise. Top private and state grammar schools do not have the monopoly on Oxbridge places. Going to a state comprehensive is not a badge of shame of a death sentence.

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