DS1 struggling with girls in class.

[CouthyMow]

DS1 is in Y7. He's in top sets, doing ok with work, though Maths work too easy.

He's having problems with a group of 5 girls. I am assuming it's started because the 'queen bee' of the group is his wasbest friend's 'girlfriend', and she disliked DS1 spending break & lunch with best friend.

The girls are doing low-level stuff, saying he's hit them etc. The form tutor and HoY believe the girls, but Deputy HoY, who has more involvement with the year group, believes DS1's version of events.

I actually believe DS1. He admits he was rude to one of the girls when she was rude to him, has apologised.

HoY has put DS1 on report. These girls are basically in almost all his lessons, as they are all Set 1. He has taken to hiding etc, near classrooms with teachers in, so that there are staff witnesses if anything is alleged. He is unhappy and shouldn't have to hide just because a group of girls have decided that they want to make stuff up about him.

DS1 just wants to keep his nose clean. Stay away from them, do his own thing at lunch, but it's difficult as his best friend (who is currently not speaking to him because he thinks that DS1 insulted his 'girlfriend') is seeing the ringleader of this group of girls, and all their friends are part of the same 'circle'. So in order to avoid these girls, DS1 also has to avoid all his friends.

DS1 and his best friend have been best friends since 7yo, and have been friends since they started Reception. This is hitting DS1 hard.

He's not sleeping, is unhappy about school, feels like because the girls are saying he hit them, even though an unconnected witness maintains DS1 didn't,that he will always be marked out as the 'difficult one', a bully who picks on girls - but HE feels bullied by their ostracising him and making false allegations against him that get believed.

The HoY has not listened to DS1 at all, only heard the girls' view, and ignored the (independent) witness, refusing to listen to them, hence DS1 being on report.

The Dep HoY has heard all sides, has had 'issues' with this group of girls, and believes DS1, yet cannot overrule the HoY's decision to put DS1 on report.

How do I approach the school wrt DS1's feelings of being bullied in this way?

It's very sneaky, the way the girls are doing this, using allegations of a boy hurting them to ensure that the 'queen bee' of the group gets her own way.

I am actually at so loss as to help DS1 when faced with this situation. It doesn't help that for the last 7 years, he has watched his Dad being in a relationship where his dad was a victim of EA, DV, financial abuse etc, with his dad's most recent partner, (NOT me!) and is currently watching the after effects on his Dad, so he hasn't had a great relationship model.

I now see that boys can be vilified without due process, as it is assumed that the female is always the victim, and never the one making false allegations.

It's very easy for a girl to claim a boy has hurt her, and to be believed instantly, yet not for a boy to explain that the girl has a motive fir attempting to get the boy in trouble and be believed.

Why the double standard? He's just an 11yo boy who doesn't want to be in trouble when the worst he's done is make a rude retort to someone who was already rude to him. He's already apologised for that. The girl wasn't made to apologise to him for the original comment she had made. Double standards again.

I would go in and raise merry hell with the form tutor and Head of year and ask why they are ignoring an independent witness. Are they being sexist and why are they only believing what females say and taking no notice of your ds. And I would get the head teacher involved.

This is not going to go away and he is at such a low point with the school that what ever you say or do is not going to make matters worse. I would also be telling him to keep his phone on record.

But that is just me. I think it comes from the fact when I was bullied at school my mother refused to step in and help me (bullying lasted for the whole of my secondary education and was the reason I played truant and left school at 16.) I swore I would never put my children in the same position.

It is good that he is talking to you. Often kids are mortified by this kind of bullying and become very secretive.

I would get him to write down everything that happens and I would talk to his form tutor, HoY, Head of lower school, and whoever else is responsible for your son's well being. I would consider discussing the situation with the parents of his BF (if you are friends).

I know you are upset, but I wouldn't focus so much on the gender issue when talking to teachers, as it could make you sound a bit prejudiced.

Parent of bf not going to work - she's never liked me, I'm too 'common' for her. She tolerates my DS1 because he is clever, but I think she objects to my being on benefits. Huge backstory, we are civil and polite to each other when our paths cross, but chats? No. I would, but she won't.

His phone doesn't record, and if he DID use it in the school day, it would get confiscated. They aren't allowed to have them turned ON in the school day. (My DC's are only let off the 'no phones in school' rule because of the distance they have to travel.

I am going to start off with the Deputy HoY because she seems more receptive to understanding the situation.

You MUST speak to the HoY. You must let him/her know that you are unhappy with the mixed messages both you and your son are getting.

Don't say that you believe him and his version, you'll sound like an overly protective mum, say you are concerned that, regardless of who is in the right/wrong he is the one being isolated.

Ask what became of the witness and their statement? Ask what is being done to ensure your son is not being ostracised? Ask what the school is doing to reduce bullying, what did they do during the Ctrl, Alt, Delete Bullying campaign? Insist they do their job, basically.

And ask what their anti bullying policy is because your son is not only being bullied by these girls but also by the teachers who dismiss his and his witnesses version of events.

The worst type of insidious bullying is ostracizing someone especially when done in packs by girls. Make sure the school does something about it.

I'm a bit surprised that your son doesn't get the right to give his point of view in the situation. Are you sure nothing else has happened? I would really suggest you speak to the form tutor and the HOY and fight his corner in this instance. The deputy seems already convinced. Being in these positions, I would expect them to have a bit more common sense and experience. It's not as easy as labelling the boys as bullies and the girls as poor victims. Even if he had hit her, he should have been given the opportunity to explain himself. (Besides, I've taught too many little madams in UKS2 and KS3 to fall for that kind of nonsense.)

However, I have a tendency to be quite protective of the boys in my class. I do generally trust them to tell me the truth (because, funnily enough, they usually own up straight away, take the punishment and we can move on...which is why I believe them when they tell me that they haven't done something). My girls this year are lovely and I've so far mostly spoken to boys about making unkind comments (mostly, because they think they are being funny) and pushing or hitting..., but my girls are quite happy to whack them one as well, if needed.