year7 DD "friends"

[makemineagin]

Help please. Strugging a bit with the return to school. My clever beautiful kind caring DD is not wanting to go back. She loves school was so pleased to go to secondary school and has got her self in top set with all her hard work. However she feels that she has nothing in common with the girls in her tutor group, this is not the same as her set. She is the only one from her tutor group in her set:0 She says that she likes them all but is not sure how to be "friends" this from the girl who goes to dance/ guides walks up to people on holiday and just makes friends. She feels left out and not liked/wanted the icing on the cake seemed to be the secret santa name in tub but no gift, although it was not the gift rather than somebody had not bothered when she had. I suggested that maybe the slip got lost:( however all I got for that was a watery smile.

This all came out on sunday she doesn't want to tell school and not wanting me to come with her to discuss. She has a plan for today I sit here hopeful some of it worked! to ask in different lessons for specific people she likes if they would like to sit with her PE with her etc. I admire her resilience as this is what she has been trying before holiday.There seems to be some groups from the local large primary that are taking some cracking. I have tried to take this with a pinch of salt ,listen and problem solve together with DD taking the lead. I know everybody I speak to friends and teachers say yr 7 is difficult. I just wondered if somebody who has been there has some suggestions.....then I have them ready for plan B tonight.

email the tutor on the quiet.

It can take time for like minded girls to find each other.
Keep going to clubs of things she enjoys.

My DD didn't make a consistent set of friends until end y8 / start y9.

Thank you TeenAndTween. I have email school asking for yr head details as to add to everything DD has a new tutor group teacher:( just a bit concerned that if they go in heavy handed eg everybody is aware. She is adamant that telling school will make matters worse. If she feels I have gone behind her back then I fear DD will not confide in me in the future. I think if she carries on like this she will loose more confidence and be really unhappy, so will see how today has gone.

My boys in higher years didn't want to go back either - its common! School can seem like a battle and the work ethic amongst their peers is not great, in contrast the brutal mickey-taking is flourishing. Secret Santa is just random - half the time you get someone who is only half-engaged in the schooling process. One of my kids hot transferred from "house" no another - really isolating effect but the school too insensitive to realise. The head of year will probably suggest wait-and-see. I just tell mine to keep head down, stay in top sets and you will find your way, your confidence and resilience. I think in the end they do.

They all cry the night before they return to school from the holidays.

Mine was adamant that she had no real friends then I asked her to draw circles to see who were actually friends and who werent...inner circle being close friends , just friends, not so close friends then not friends, aquientence and then not friends at all...This then allows her to concentrate on the close ones....

My DD also had a little cry...but its only really 11 weeks plus 1 week half term before she returns...I think this time one of her friends will be coming to HK too...

It's v easy to change tutor group harder to change her teaching set

Just say to the year head/head of house there are no girls in her teaching set and she's still finding it hard to settle can she be moved to a tutor group where there is a larger concentration of her teaching set girls or another group where there is only one from the group who also appears a bit isolated

Seriously it's fine and tbh I'm surprised the school haven't identified it - as for secret Santa my yr 7 tutor group insisted they wanted this n arranged it and in the morning I was 6 presents under I made sure everyone got something but ...... Never again!

It can take a while to build up a friendship and find someone you're comfortable and trust, even for an adult. The first two new friends my daughter bought back to the house in Year 7 were lovely, but after initial chat, they hardly spoke (unlike friends she's had for years). She chose these two girls to celebrate her birthday at the end of Year 7 and it was totally different - they were all relaxed, doing and saying silly things and talking about other girls.

If she likes girls in her teaching sets, encourage her to build up relationships with them - ask them back for tea or to do homework together, or ask if they want to come over one Saturday. If she's worried about making conversation for that long, suggest one could come to the cinema. It does take a while, but they do get there. My daughter's school changed moved students up and down into other sets at the end of the year and they've just moved her up in three subjects this term, so they do come across others with these changes.

At the end of Year 7, all students in my daughter's school were given the options to change tutor sets - not sure if this happens elsewhere but about two in each set changed. Might be worth asking if it does at the school.

thank you everybody. This week got better and she has worked out that it seems to be a girl who is in a lower set that is the issue. Looked at this as her issues not DD. DD feels being called " a geek" is better than not, I guess the school has other like minded geeks :) she is joining 2 more clubs. As for secret santa " i don't think i will bother next year" i have decided to watch rather than contact school she seems to be problem solving well.........proud mum moment.

make my DD is quite proud she sits on the nerd table as they talk about the things she likes ..

apparently being smart is chic in her school