DD doesn't want to go to my choice secondary school

[pandora987]

DD Yr 6, doesn't want to go to the good school A 1/4 mile away, but wants to go to poorer Ofsted school B 5 miles away because her most of her primary friends are going there. She is adamant she won't go to school A and her father is backing her up all the away telling her she can choose where she goes and that school A will be horrible etc. I know LEA will almost certainly place her in school A but I don't want her to be unhappy and I know that anytime anything is not marvellous at school A her father will be drip feed her that everything would have been great if she'd gone to school B. How can I encourage her and get her to understand that she will make loads of friends at school A (she already knows a few girls who are going from a previous primary school) and that no secondary school is Utopia!!
Anyone had experience of resistance to starting in a particular school?
Any advice or examples very welcome !

Thanks

I think, to be blunt, the problem is more between you and her dad and your DD is stuck in the middle. Are you together and, if not, do you normally argue over things regarding DD? Is this a parenting power struggle between you? You really need to get yourselves on the same page about what kind of school you want for your child.

Then make an honest list - all 3 of you together - about the pros and cons for each. What does B offer - apart from the peer group - that your DD likes it so much. What does it offer that makes her dad so keen? Now school A - why do you like it more? What does each offer both in terms of classes (subjects, settings), stability of teacher group, extra curricular clubs, trips, residentials etc? How do the schools compare in terms of student support, parent involvement, post-18 placement etc.
Is DD fighting you because she genuinely hates the idea of the school or because she wants to side with her dad against you? If you and dad are apart and she lives with you or together but fighting, this could be her expressing things about your relationship she is unhappy about.

As year 6 progresses do the primary arrange visits up to either school?

You say it is a poorer Ofsted school, but in what area(s)? If it was 'unsatisfactory' for teaching or discipline then I would have concerns, but if one school got 'excellent' and the other 'good' I would not be concerned. What are the local repuations and parental satisfaction levels like for both schools? Which offers the things that are important for your DD - sports, clubs, after school activities etc. How will she manage the journey to the further school if she goes there - 5 miles is a long way in winter and could impact how many clubs etc. she could join or her attendance at other after school activities like dancing or guides? Talk and try not to fight with her, but listen to her concerns and point of view. Answer her questions and points seriously and reasonably. Take her to visit the other school yourself if necessary and possible and take a list of her questions with you to get answered. Most children do settle, even if unhappy at the start, but do you really want to force her into something she doesn't want to do, and which her dad does not want for her either? She may well settle eventually to the school, but in 'winning' the battle you may harm your relationship with her.

1. Are you lone parent? Else, get your DH onside (STFU).
2. Insist that she gives School A one full term before rejecting it. But make it clear that at that point the decision will be hers alone.
3. Be pragmatic about the hassle of extra travel time to further away school; presumably her mates still live her local area, but any new mates might not.

If School B is so terrible then presumably there won't be much trouble transferring to it.

Um...OP, am I right in thinking you will already have submitted the CAF with School A as first choice and (presumably) School B as second choice (among others if you get more choices - I don't know where you are)? If so, you need to do what Adoptmama says (excellent list of questions), but be a bit careful, as it would have been better done last year. In London, you'll get your allocated school early March: I don't know about the rest of the country. So the sooner you can make the rational case for School A, the better!

If you can, make contacts at School A, so that she has a chance to make a friend who's likely to go there that she doesn't necessarily go to school with now? I always think it's good to have friends you don't go to school with, as you can (in some ways) be more free with them and this gives opportunities to learn different things about relationships.

There may no longer be any choice: you will get allocated whichever can offer a place and is higher up your preference list.

If the other school is over-subscribed you will have to go on the waiting list and you might not get a place.

Unless you are very confident about a place she needs to understand that anything could happen in the admissions process and to feel positive about either school.

Why do her primary friends go so far away? Did you move away from her primary?

As CaroBeaner says, when the offers come out in March you will only be offered one school. If you are offered school A your daughter can go on the waiting list for school B but she will only get a place if one is available. As school B is so far away it is unlikely she would be at the head of the waiting list so she would only get a place if a number of people drop out. You could appeal for a place at school B but there are no guarantees of success. And if she did get a place at school B in these circumstances she would not be entitled to free transport. You could, of course, change your preferences but that would result in your application being treated as late, which means you probably wouldn't get a place at either school.

I would explain that to her and also to her father. He needs to stop filling her head with rubbish. She cannot choose where she goes. You have the right to express a preference but in the end the decision will be made by the LA.

Thanks for all the advice. Yes DD father lives near to school B. I have residency order and she sees her Dad every other weekend. I know LEA will decide and almost certainly put her in School A. We went to open evenings and a taster day and she really liked it and said she wanted to go but then her Father starts telling her it will be terrible, she'll get bullied etc. 1 day with him she has changed her mind and is adamant that she isn't going and I can't make her. Dad is telling her she can choose and it's her choice not mine or LEA (!) and she must tell me every hour of every day that she won't go to school A.
At start of Yr 5 we changed her primary school because there were some teasing issues and she wasn't happy ( and it was needs improvement school ) Moved her to outstanding Ofsted primary near to where her Dad lived. Girls she had issues with at first primary school are going to school A, but she gets on fine with them now (including sleepovers with 2 of them.) There is one girl from first primary she didn't get on with and still doesn't and she's going to School A. But this is one girl out of 150 year group! But DD is worried it'll be her first primary school all over again.
I know she'll probably end up in school A, I tell her she'll make new friends and any girls from her first primary she doesn't want to be with we have asked if they can be in separate house and School A is aware of history. They have excellent anti bullying policies etc.
DD doesn't realise that any school can have children she won't get on with, but there are so many she will have loads of friends (she makes friends really easily) No point in me talking to her Dad as he won't change and will continue to build on her fears. She can walk to school A and more importantly have friends nearby for after school, whereas School B will be 2 buses and no friends after school. But I don't want her to be hating school, and egged on by her Dad that life would have been bed of roses if only she'd gone to a different one.
We'll find out in March which LEA has decided but that won't be the end of it!! I have told DD that we won't know until then, and LEA are deciding, not me, so we have peace for the moment, but I am dreading March and the next 6 months.

Is the biggest fear the fact she may see a continuation of the bullying, do you think? Although she has had sleepovers etc with 2 of the girls concerned she may have very real and well founded ideas about how they will behave when the pack mentality gets going. Are there opportunities for her to join some after school activities with girls who will be going into year 7 with her so she is not totally reliant on picking up the threads of old friendships when she gets there?

It sounds as if she is trying to please her dad by following his lead on choice of school. When children start rejecting the plans of one parent like this it often has a lot less to do with the plan itself and a lot more with simply trying to express their real unhappiness over a situation out of their control. If her dad didn't live near this other school I doubt it would even be a consideration for you as a family. In saying she wants this school she is forging a bond with her dad (however unhealthy it is for the family dynamics). She may have many unrealistic little thoughts in her head about you moving nearer to dad if she goes to this school, or seeing him more often. Did the argument flare up more over the holidays? Christmas is a very emotional time for children who are finding it hard to accept the permanency of a family split or had who been hoping the holiday spiriti might lead to reconciliation.

As for her refusal to accept the LEA has final say in allocating her place - sometimes we can only leave experience to be our children's teacher.

Good luck.

The problem here is not that she is refusing to accept that the LA has the final say, it is that Dad is telling her that the LA doesn't have the final say. He either doesn't understand how school admissions work or is being very unfair to his daughter.

OP, presumably you put school A first on your list of preferences.

Sorry her father is behaving so badly after she liked school A, totally unfair and emotionally abusive (IMO) of him to be using the school issue as a point scoring weapon.

I would back off from talking about it but subtlety up the opportunities to mix with the sleepover friends who will be going to school A too.

And casually, when the moment occurs, point out that secondary school starts earlier than primary (typically 8.15 or 8.30) and how she will get an extra 45 mins in bed in the mornings because she is lucky enough to be within walking distance. But subtlety . In a few weeks when the subject has cooled. Let the current battle fizzle out.

Her Dad is despicable. Sorry you have this to deal with.

Her Dad sounds like a dick!!

poor little girl her Dad sounds a total knob. if school a is local to you and therefore will take children from nearby …does your DD go to any clubs outside school, eg Brownies, cubs, gymnastics local library reading group where she will meet other children who will be going to that school?

my DD moved up to high school in September with a large cohort from primary 19 out of the 31 kids,she's in form with 2 and has the odd lesson with 3 others as they got streamed straight away. this holiday the only people she's called or arranged to see are "new friends" not from her primary. I would make sure dd has access to kids locally before high school starts, but also make sure she does realise she'll make new friends and as she gets older she will appreciate them being nearby so they can just meet up without parents needing to give lifts or rely on buses.