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Secondary education

Connect with other parents whose children are starting secondary school on this forum.

School refusal in Y7

11 replies

rosieogrady · 06/01/2014 01:58

My DS attends a comp that is fairly average but improving. He has become very anxious about going and has missed nearly two weeks in total so far. The issue seems to be the general noise level in the classroom and also teachers shouting at other pupils. His stress levels seem to rise during the day and he just doesn't seem to cope with it all. He then just couldn't face going in and was so distressed about it that I let him stay home. Fortunately his dad has been able to look after him when I am at work.

DS didn't have any issues like this at his primary and his attendance was very good. I've always been strict about him not missing school, unless he was actually properly ill. Although he didn't know any other children when he started at the comp, he has made friends and he isn't being bullied. He is very bright and has said he is bored sometimes though I am not sure this is the key issue - he is in the top set for Maths and it is a high achieving group so there are other bright children there.

I have had two meetings with the pastoral care person. She suggested that DS write down what he was anxious about - he was reluctant to write down that certain teachers shout a lot. Half the meeting was about attendance - ie if he doesn't attend you will get in trouble with the local authority unless you get a medical note for his absence. But I don't really want to go to the GP as DS isn't anxious outside school. And since the school is the problem then shouldn't they offer some solution to this? They suggested a mentoring session once a week. Apart from that, I was pretty much told, if he doesn't attend then he needs to leave. The school didn't seem to be aware of any anxiety until I told them about it which doesn't make me feel confident either.

Does anyone have any advice? We are looking at other schools but this will take time as we have ruled out the two other local comps and will have to look further afield or consider moving somewhere else. Meanwhile DS has to stay where he is - and may miss more school.

OP posts:
inthename · 06/01/2014 03:43

The difficulty for school is that if he can't voice his anxiety then its very difficult put a plan in place to help him, particularly if hes not showing it at school.

At this age the mentoring session would be making sure someone catches up with him each week and finds out how hes managing.

If its anxiety related then the GP may be a neccessity as they can arrange a referral to CAMHS which then gives access to counselling etc which school may not be able to provide.

Is the anxiety a sudden thing (you've said he was off for 2 weeks?) What was his attendance like since the start of year 7 and if you've previously always sent him to school how is the anxiety actually presenting itself to make it that you've decided he didn't need to go.

My ds is the same age as yours. To be honest when ds started flatly refusing to go to school and going hysterical it turned out that there was bullying going on, but the insidious whispering, calling names kind which the teachers couldn't spot and ds found hard to call bullying, yet it made him very unhappy.

The solution his school offered was a named mentor ds could turn to and to go into school to a quieter room for a few weeks. This really worked and might be something your school could do.

schoolnurse · 06/01/2014 06:35

IMO and experience you need to see your GP and get your DS help before this escalates into a serious problem. Lots of school refusers are fine outside of school I suffer from claustrophobia I'm fine in my day to day life but if someone tried to get me to go pot holing it would be a different story. Schools are frequently not good at dealing with this problem especially if a child doesn't respond to the standard type of intervention and quickly loose patience. If you GP intervenes and hopefully refers your DS for help and also contacts the school they shouldn't ask him to leave for poor attendance.

rosieogrady · 06/01/2014 22:57

Hi

Thank you for your replies. DS's anxiety started with him crying and being very distressed one Sunday night which continued for several days. It was like he had made so much effort to start a new school, make new friends and fit in that it all just got too much. So he was off for that week. Then he went back and a similar thing happened towards the end of last term. Now he has problems sleeping too.

We have now seen the GP who said it wasn't a medical or mental health issue at all and he said we needed to go back to the school for a possible discussion with an educational psychologist. I am not confident that this is the answer - it feels like I am trying to get DS to fit into this school while the school isn't really that concerned about him. I am not sure it is going to work.

OP posts:
bizzey · 06/01/2014 23:32

Wow rosieo cant believe your GP said that Sad....

I was coming on to say go to GP and to explain my situation ...but I am gobsmacked!!

My situation..ds year5. We have had an awful time last term and believe me it gets very draining for all concerned....constant tummy ache and sore throat.

I spoke to the GP on phone and explained why I would be brining him in. I knew it wasn't serious "medical" stuff but I did believe these pains.

She was lovely when we saw her (it was good that I didn't have to explain lots while ds was in the room) and said it was all caused by anxiety which was causing a reflux of acid.....so heartburn and indigestion. He is on Gaviscon.

He is under comm pead but she has said she would help us get CAMHS in volved as well.

Good thing now is that I have it on his GPnotes about his anxiety and school have seen it so it's like I have a bit of back up if I need it .

ED Psyc can be clever at spoting things ....but not resolving them ...that's what has happened to us any how .

Not much more help I an afraid as we are still in the middle of it now and just don't know how tomorrow (1st day back) is going to go .

Try and speak to a different GP a sympathetic one

Keep strong and hope you get to the bottom of it .If it is the noise in the classroom ....that can't change ,but there are ways of him learning to cope with it ..maybe through trial and error ?

Oh and don't worry if you go through a range of emotions your self.

I have done the mum of....."love/cuddles/explaining nicely/explaining a bit firmer/indifferent/cross/had enough now /love cuddles /praise/tears/more tears in front of people Shock /worry/frustration...to name but a few !!!! DS was having to be prised off me at school .

Keep fighting and maybe we will both get there x

schoolnurse · 06/01/2014 23:48

OP you need to find a more sympathetic GP from the little bit you've written this is a mental health issue; significant distress for several days, a week off school and insomnia. Your DS needs help addressing his anxiety therefore he needs a CAHMs referral. School refusing is not resolved over night and it can be a case of 1 step forward five steps back or it can read it's ugly head at times of increased pressure e.g.during exams etc. your DS needs to feel supported by you and the school and to learn coping mechanisms but it is resolvable. You do need to address this problem ASAP before it gets worse.
We have most success with out school refusers who have paediatric CBT it can be available on the NHS but there may be a longish wait but private paediatric CBT is very expensive and it can difficult to find anyone who does it.
Finally as a general principle ed. psych employed in the state sector are over worked because there are so few of them and are more interested in a one off assessment of learning difficulties e.g. dyslexia and making recommendations for teaching staff rather than treatment of school refusing etc.

MillyMollyMama · 07/01/2014 15:33

Education Welfare staff should have strategies to help. Somehow he needs to be able to function in this more challenging environment. I echo that you need to work very closely with the pastoral care staff in the school and try and get your son to agree to work with them, or how is any progress ever going to be made?. Nothing will change if the individual teachers do not know there is a problem! Also, why did he not know anyone ? Could he not have gone to a school with his friends from primary school? What preparation did his current school offer for new children? Did he actually want to go there or was it your choice? If, by changing school, he is likely to be back with his old friends, you could consider if this will help. However, what secondary school is not large and noisy with the odd shouty teacher!

Having worked in Education, I am well aware how these scenarios can escalate and I think it is a priority to get your son to be able to talk to adults about his concerns and fears. Do you know why he cannot do this? Also could he go part-time to ease him back into school? Maybe for a couple of weeks. By staying away he is being further alienated from the group and friendships will not be maintained. Such a worry but immediate action is needed!

Dededum · 07/01/2014 20:44

My DS1 had a tough time starting Yr 7, as we expected. Very anxious, hated the noise levels, found the lessons noisy, nobody wanted to learn, hated PE, low level bullying.

It really took a year to work through. I worked with his form tutor. What worked:

  • lunch time clubs meant he met other like minded souls and kept him out of the playground
  • having to give as much support as I couldie: lifts to/from school
  • allowing him to 'opt' out of a few things that he hated (sports day)
  • probably some of his 'sick' days were just exhaustion
  • the school addressed the low level bullying
  • talking about ways to deal with difficult situations
  • sandwiches so didn't have to deal with the canteen
  • youth worker appointments at school
  • focusing on the work which he enjoyed

We are now in Yr 8, other than the first day which he totally bottled, he is finally starting to properly settle. It was very much two steps forward, one step back. At the end of yr7, he had a huge falling out with the friends he had made so didn't make it into school for the last week.

StressedandFrazzled · 08/01/2014 19:22

Had a very dodgy year 7 with DS feeling lots of anxiety, stomach cramps and missing school. He is now in Year 8 and perfectly happy, it was a question of settling in and the school getting to know him, understand what he was good at and letting him shine. Hang on in there it will improve. He was joining a school that has kids from age 4 to 18, so it was hard to break into friendships and he knew no one.

Oncebubbly · 10/01/2014 08:44

Please look at teenage mental health thread school refusal 12 year old. We all have had challenging anxiety issues for different reasons. Off school for two years! Don't let it get this bad.

cestlavielife · 10/01/2014 12:42

also www.schoolrefuserfamilies.co.uk/index.htm

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