DC really dont want to go to the secondary school that is my preference. How to tackle?

[EdwiniasRevenge]

I have to make a choice by tomorrow which school my DCs will attend for yr9 onwards. It essentially comes down to a choice of 2 schools. Their current school or another school.

I have made my choice based on where I think they will get the best education. I want to move them to a new school (have sought lots of advice from MN and other teachers).

DCs really don't want to move, primarily because of friendship groups.

1. How much weight would you put on their preference?
2. How do I 'convince' them that this is the right thing for them without them resenting me?.

I don't know but wondered if they are not progressing where they are? Sounds a difficult situation. What is better about the other school? Will they see these things as a plus or just you?

Its largely related to the fact that there current school was an 11-14 school so never taught GCSE, along with curriculum structure for ks4.

Ive tried pointing out they won't have to do French GCSE at new school but they just aren't having it.

I should add that the whole year group have to decide. It will be a managed transition with, probably about half of the year moving.

I'm not moving them alone, its just that for DTD1 'all' of her friends are staying at her current school and for DTD2 her best friend is staying at current school

So on the basis the school has no track record & less experience you assume it must be inferior and your children will produce inferior results?

I nearly always favour social happiness over other factors; social happiness = academic success ime.

but if about half will move can you rely on their say-so that their friends will stay put

lljkk I summarised by saying that school has changed its age range, and that this was the initial motivating factor for the transition.

I have looked at a lot of related information such as staffing profiles, subject range currently offered, previous attainment and trends, ofsted reports, school visits, talking to current and former pupils. .

I am a trainee teacher myself so I have some understanding of what it takes to successfully teach GCSE, and am in contact with those that have an even better understanding.

I don't want to ignore social happiness but DTD1s 'friends' have also been her bullies in the last 12m and therefore also linked to social unhappiness. However moving her away will also lead to isolation.

DTD2 - most of her friends are moving, but her best friend is staying.

I am aware of what their close friends are doing through talking to their parents. I am sure there will be more perifieral friends which I have less info on.

OP, Mother knows best. They are young people who rely on the wisdom of the adults to make decisions based on factors they don't yet understand or prioritise. They will most probably make new friends wherever they go. Technology these days will allow them to keep in touch with the old friends. So they will end up with more friends if they move school, not less. Thinking back to my teens it was not until I moved that I figured out what friendship should really be like and those girls are still my friends now. I was speaking to a 40+ father recently and he remembers refusing to go to [prestigious school] that his parents wanted for him. He's done alright for himself, but in hindsight he wishes they had insisted because it was a golden opportunity which would have suited him much better. He realises his parents knew this at the time but were too weak to do what he need them to do.

Also, if one of the girls says they are leaving, the others might want to leave too.

How is it going op?

I couldn't pretend to know what's right for your kids, ER...but I had the experience of refusing a move, as a child, and here's what I think:

I agree that giving in if you really feel strongly they would do better with the move is not a good idea. You are their parent, and your instincts and research need to count.

I also think their feelings are natural, and must feel hugely important to them. Friendship groups at this age seem like your whole world.

I suppose, in your shoes, I would say both those things to them. I would validate their feelings, and talk about what scares or upsets them about going to a different school than their best friend/s. About how they could keep the friendships going, about how life goes on after school and that new friends and separations will happen to them all their lives. Treat them like adults in that sense, talk to them about growing up, but with lots of compassion for their losses.

And at the same time remember they are kids, and that your opinions count as much as theirs - holding on to your opinion is going to help them in many ways, in the long run.

Ooooh I wish you luck! I was supposed to move into the year above mine at secondary (in Y7) and the thought totally freaked me out at the time. I cried and was scared and bereft, and my parents thought they were helping me emotionally by leaving me with my friends and not moving me. Forcing me to move without acknowledging the fears and loss would have been worse - but in an ideal world, helping me to process my feelings and giving me a genuine choice (rather than a panicked resistance) would have been fantastic.

Spoken like a true therapist, Elibean!

sprung