How important is it to start secondary with friends?

[majormoo]

Our daughter is in year 6 so we are applying for her secondary school. We have to put 3 schools on our form to apply for a place and all 3 options available to us are pretty good. We think she would do well at any of them.
However, we are going round in circles deciding what order to put on the form. My favourite is unfortunately in third place, as although it has the best results exam wise, it is a Catholic school and, much to my chagrin, DD has decided she can't be doing with God Stuff.

Of the other 2 schools her 3 close (and loyal, funny, kind etc) friends have chosen the school that is less high up the league tables but good nonetheless. Others in her class have chosen the school which consistently performs well and is wildly oversubscribed every year for this reason. dd's teacher last year said he thought she would do well there. This school has fantastic sports facilities so if she got in, her brother who is sport mad ,would get a place in a few years.

sooooo do we go with nice friends to settle in with or the best exam results? how important are old friends at school? I am still friends with people from primary school so I know from experience those friendships can last but was a fair few decades since I had any experience of senior school!

I went to a school that none of my close friends went to. They went to one of two schools that had much lower performance than the one I ended up in. My parents did what they thought was best for me, in terms of my academic outcomes. There were a few girls who I knew from junior school there, but none with whom I was really friendly, and I didn't mix with them, I made new friends pretty quickly (considering that I was hopeless at making friends, this was quite something).

There will be other new children to the school who don't have a friends group as well - your DD will find new ones, and still have her old friends to talk to as well (I did, at any rate) - so do what you know is most likely to be her best option for her own academic advancement. Friendships come and go - she only has one main chance at getting a decent secondary education.

The idea of nice friends makes the summer holidays and the first few weeks much easier.

Even if, like DD2, once classes are set, you find your self making quite new friends.

Oddly new friends are all mates from a different primary, who don't seem to mind DD joining them at all.

It's lovely that they don't seem to want to be a closed clique.

The secondary schools in our nearest town make a point of splitting children from the primary schools. It may well be worth asking if friends are kept together or not at the schools you are interested in. I come from the generation where it was decided by the 11 plus and didn't go to the same school as any of my friends. I survived. When it came to choosing a school for DS last year, I had no hesitation in sending him to a different school to the rest of his class because it was the right school for him.

From my experience as a teacher I don't think it makes any difference. There are lots of friendship changes particularly in the first few years. From my own personal experience it was really helpful to have friends outside of school. My best friends are the ones I did the same a levels as. so you may well have the same dilemma when it comes to choosing year 9options/ a levels/sixth form / university....

Hootin DD1's best friends are ones she's done brownies, guides, Ranges with and girls at her own school.

DD2 is also still good friends with two girls who went to different secondaries.

and my best mate and DF still from university didn't do my course.

It's sometimes better to have friends you share interests with, rather than friends you just share a class with

and not girls at

All of DD's best friends at school are in different classes to her.

In a 12 form entry school they will probably be in different classes anyway - DS1 is going (virtually certain as it's close) to such a school where they spread children from each primary out and teach everything in Y7 in their reg groups.

So even if his closest friends all go, he's unlikely to see them except at lunch and after school. Older children there seen happy with this, I suspect it's about managing expectations.

He'll see many old friends out of school anyway (live very close, or at scouts) and in a class of 25-30 the existing friendship groups ate likely to be small so it's not like you're trying to find a way in to a group of 10 who have been friends since they were 5.

I'd definitely choose the best school for you / DD.

Well, I have just chosen a school with DS but we did not base it on friendships ( even he was mature enough to only consider that last).

We did not choose the more popular outstanding oversubscribed school, but instead the merely "good" one due to a variety of factors ( science and DT are very good there, which DS is passionate about, it has better pastoral care, they are not rigid with settings and allow for late developpers, we were impressed with staff and HT, they have a great program for settling in y7's through a few days of summer school, and y7's ahve their own lunch area. There was a really good atmosphere, not too formal ( which would not suit DS)).

Only After considering all that, did we consider Ofsted and friendships.

I chose the school where I thought DS. Woudl be happiest, and where it is not too formal ( as he is anxious) and which gets good results.

He will stay friends with his old friends in the village, if he wants, as he could still see them, would play cricket with them, etc.

Good luck, it is a big decision! not saying my way is right, just really hope it is....

IME - the friendships groups change fairly quickly. I have seen a few times the excitement of kids being placed in the same tutor group/form as their best friend or the majority of a close circle of friends only for it to all go pear shaped and the cause of alot of upset as they make friends with children from other primaries placed in their forms and the group/friendship dymnamics change.

That isnt to say they don't remain friends to some degree and the odd one or two may stay firm/best friends but on the whole the whole friendship groups change as they all hit puberty at slightly differing times and meet other new friends.

Based on what I have seen I am not sure I would be basing my school choice on friendship groups. It can take a little while to settle but in reality most children are settled in a week or two.

My DC moved schools alot at one point (moved 4 times in 3 years) and no they dont get used to it and it does get harder as they get olfer but there is only ever 1 1st day and 1 1st week. The being new things- is such a short period of time in your lives really.

We've had a similar dilemma, and in the end we choose the slightly worse performing school that a few of his close friends were going to due to their sibling links.

The school is on the up, due to new catchment rules meaning that both schools are now taking children form the same catchment area, and we decided that there wasn't enough differences between the 2 schools to warrant choosing a school slightly further away with fewer of his friends.

In 1994, when choosing a secondary school place, I begged my parents to send me to the school my mates were going to, all because there had been some silly argument and I was terrified of starting somewhere new.

The school was not my dm's first choice, but my df overruled and let me make the decision. I chose the school my friends were going to but the one which my mother did not want me to go to.

I made new friends within the first term anyway but tbh, my dm was right and I should never have gone there.

If I were in your shoes (which I will be in several years time!) id choose the school which I felt could do the most for my child. Friends second, as your child will always make new friends (eapecially at that age).

My dd hasn't kept up with friends from primary even though a couple of them are in the same form. She still speaks to them, but they aren't in her friendship group and she doesn't hang about with them outside of school.
My niece went to secondary on her own, none of her friends from primary went with her. She is happy and has made some nice new friends. She is really quiet as well.
Personally, I would go for the better school.

Put her at the best school for her. Ignore the friends thing, encourage her to keep her old friends but make new ones at a new school

My eldest son knew no one, and my younger son knew two people. Both have settled and made friends. Friendship,groups seem to change fairly quickly as they enter senior school, so choose the school over friends.

Molding - I hope you mean he has no friends from his old primary in his class, rather than no friends at all. If the latter, and he hasn't made any new friends in his new school, then I hope things improve soon.

I went up to secondary with all my friends...who promptly dropped, shunned and bullied me. I did well there academically, but socially it would have been better if I'd gone to a new school where I knew noone.

Please don't choose your child's school on the short term grounds that going with friends will help her settle in. Even that might not be true, especially in a massive 12 form school.

Thanks for everyone's thoughts. We still haven't done our choices but only have a couple of days. It is really useful to read everyone's experiences.

I had assumed it would be so easy before we looked at them as everyone puts the school with better results and crosses their fingers they get in. I hadn't bet on her friends' going for the other school. And I suppose the fact we all preferred the atmosphere and structure of the other school as well. Heart or head!?!

Funny enough I bumped into a friend with kids at a different primary school but in the same catchment. Her son and his mates have also chosen the traditionally less popular school. Because their open day was so much better and the school felt so ambitious for their future after all our deliberating that school will probably end up over subscribed now!!

My older 2 dc have both moved to schools with some quite close friends, but then developed different friendships when they go there. I really wouldn't use 'my friend is going there' as a reason to choose a school, dc change as they grow older, and, IME, the schools encourage them to mix with loads and lots of different people, so their whole friendship experience is opened up massively.

I wouldn't let the friends situation sway you in any way. Ime DC change their friends when they get to secondary. Just choose the school that is best for your DD.